Animals / Death / Lonnie Childs / Morals / Self-Rape Prevention / Spot a Masturbator / Supernatural Disaster / World

Pre-Coming Of The Apocalypse May Have Already Begun


The End of Days maybe be upon us all, thus ringing in the beginning of the Rapture, and it all centers on one small city in the forgotten state of Connecticut.


Waterbury CT, a small and once-cursed by Native Tee-Pee and Wigwam Indians to be an uninhabitable area, inhabited by violent, indigenous, water-demons, city, made national news when a non-normal man, high on the salts and cracked cocaines, committed a public act of dog-masturbation, while proclaiming he was infected with Ebolas. Though the non-normal, whose name escapes us, claimed to infected with Ebolas, it is clear he was infected with the dreaded airborne EbolAIDS, a disease of epidemic masturbatory proportions, caused solely by both masturbation, and non-normalness alike.


As if that was not proof enough of the Pre-Coming of The End Of Days, Lonnie Child’s personal glowing 50′ high neon-light Cross of Purity (formerly ‘HolyLand’, and now B.L.U.F.F New England Campound) was photographed upon the night of the full moon last week, only to blaspheme the crucifix of Our Lords by principle of inversion of imagery, which, since it’s discovery in 1764 upon daguerreotypes, has long stood as the direct evidence of the effect of supernatural evil. It is also important to note the full moon could represent an evil feminist entity at work in this twisted place.

Local Wizard, Dean of now three B.L.U.F.Fs, all around genius and beautiful being and author of this article Thomas Kelly suggests,  ” We make a stand against the crazed masturbators of Waterbury CT, and stop the beginning of the precursor to the apocalypse, and thus, stop the actual apocalypse, saving the world, as it is right and normal to do. We must bring freedom to those who wish to masturbate upon it, and say: Masturbator! Not in my home town! ”

Local Faithwoman, and SMNNN correspondent Mary Cheeks and Professor Skippy Enis, have begun the laborious task of heavily fortifying the new campound. Says Mary ” Oh I just LOL when I think of the masturbators trying to get through the 49″ blastcrete walls of the kitchen. They’ll never get their grubby mitts on my pie, consarn it! “.

These brave people, including me, stand as a determined thin line in the sand against the terrorism that is evil masturbation. Brother Lonnie Childs has stated he plans a huge ceremony wherein he will award SMN Party Medals to all participants in the militant War On Masturbation. Said Lonnie Childs,  “These brave souls face impossible odds, I’ve been to Waterbury CT, it’s pretty far-gone. Did you know a river caught on fire there not once, but dozens of times? Crazy stuff there. Bless those souls that are gonna clean up that mess. Bless them indeed. ”

waterbury's easter island head

Waterbury CT, once known for the scores of workers poisoned to death by exposure to radium while working at the Timex Watch Company, welcomes the Lonnite Warriors, and simply asks that SMN stay away from their revered heathen Moa-Head statue, an issue that still remains unresolved at the publishing of this article.

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A Smart Guy
A Smart Guy
6 years ago

This is incorrect, Earth will be unable to support life in 1 billion years and be destroyed 5 billion years from now. Sol is slowly getting hotter, at current rates, in 1 billion years Earth will be so hot nothing can live on the surface. But 5 billion years from today, Sol will swell up into a red giant star and swallow up Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars, leading to the destruction of of the inner planets and the end of The World.

6 years ago
Reply to  A Smart Guy

What on cheddar are you waffling on about?? Who the Lonnie is Sol!?

A Smart Guy
A Smart Guy
6 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

The G2V class star you call the Sun