Money

The Truth Behind the Toilet Paper Shortages

Toilet paper is out of stock everywhere. This is the reality that humans worldwide have been forced to contend with lately. However, the lieberal media would have you believe that “hoarders” or “preppers” are snapping of every roll of “white gold” they see.

This is simply not true.

Sources deep inside the Lonnie Childs Administration have revealed that the “shortage” of toilet paper is due to agents of Lonnie purchasing all toilet paper that is commercially available. This unprecedented move from Lonnie comes after a study by faith scientists have proven that toilet paper, paper towels, tissue paper, and Lysol disinfectant wipes have all been declared as “dual-use implements of masturbation” by Lonnie Childs.

The study, which lasted over several hours, proved that sickly masturbators “at best” used disposable paper products as “sin seed capture devices”. Additionally, faith scientists found several sick men who wrapped their hands in Lysol wipes before “stroking their sin stick” in a twisted attempt “to stay safe and clean”.

Lonnie Childs, shocked by the results of this study, sprung into action immediately and freed up over 30 trillion dollars from the SMN war chest to immediately purchase as much of these “implements of masturbation” as possible worldwide.

Lonnie is doing this for the good of humanity. All of these implements of masturbation are being burned in giant piles in an undisclosed desert location in the United States.

See a shortage of soaps or hand sanitizers in your local mom and pop store? Well, that’s because Lonnie’s men are sweeping wide to include emergency mass purchases of any “gels, liquids, or creams” that could “also aid in the sinful act of masturbation”.

Lonnie’s goal is to make things harder for the sick, non-essential citizens of the world who are being treated to unlimited access to pornographics for the foreseeable future.

True Faith Warriors, like the followers of Lonnie Childs, are privy to ways to survive without things like toilet paper or napkins.

Want to be one of these True Faith Warriors? Take Lonnie’s pledge today and be prepared to live in the Brave Masturbation-Free World that is on the horizon!

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Nigel Covington
Nigel Covington
5 months ago

Thank you Jesus for giving the world Lonnie Childs! His wisdom and vision of a future free of the evils and sin of masturbation will serve us well on our path to join Jesus and his father in heaven.

god
god
4 months ago

you shouldn’t be thanking anyone for misinformation. if you read the bible you would know its not a sin. for you clearly not having one if you give me your address i will give you a signed copy free of charge.

Belphagor
Belphagor
5 months ago

Heil Satan

Abbadon
5 months ago

Belphagor here has the right idea

Rodrigo Sant'Ana
Rodrigo Sant'Ana
5 months ago

I masturbate every single day to my beautiful gay boyfriend. Just watching him slowly undress is enough for me to start masturbating. My cum is second only to water in the most liquid I drink everyday

god
god
4 months ago

this is fine as i see it as i never said in the bible being gay or masturbation was wrong. if these people actually read the bible they would know that

what would jesus say?
what would jesus say?
4 months ago

yes i love lonnie

god
god
4 months ago

to answer your question in your name, jesus would, just like me, say masturbation is ok

god
god
4 months ago

this is wrong these “liberals” are right and for the record i never said masturbation was wrong in the bible and anybody who punishes their kids for it will go to hell