Lonnie Childs / Science

Expert: Masturbation Rates Will Skyrocket Due to “Social Distancing”

President Donald Trump backed off of his “let’s open up America again for Easter” claims and has officially extended “social distancing” through April 30th.

Faith Science Expert and our own fearless leader, Lonnie Childs, took to an evening fax to warn His followers. Brother Lonnie’s fax began by thanking all of His followers for being “strong enough” to handle the normal amounts of “social distancing” that the U.S. Government is finally advocating.

“I don’t see any reason these whining masturbators can’t do what we have been doing for decades”, Childs’ fax said. “Hunkering down with your top seven spouses is how all people should spend their days.”

While Childs praised Trump for “finally taking this whole COVID-19 thing seriously”, Childs reminded His followers that a crack team of Faith Virus experts have been tracking the disease since “early October 2019”.

Lonnie reminded His followers to remain vigilant in these trying times. “Now more than ever, be wary of anyone you see outside moving around,” Lonnie’s fax explained. “The Government might try to give these people the euphemistic title of ‘essential worker’, but they’re just filthy masturbators out looking to acquire masturbation paraphernalia.”

Childs’ fax ended by warning the True Believers that extended “social distancing” measures will cause masturbation rates in the United States to “skyrocket”.

“This is Big Masturbation’s dream,” a solemn Childs concluded. “A whole bunch of deviants left to their own devices with 24/7 access to internet pornographics for the next month. This is the absolute worst case scenario we have been preparing for.”

Stop Masturbation Now recommends a daily regimen of prayer at the nation’s masturbators to keep you and your family safe in these scary times. Praise.

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2 years ago

What kinda bs expert is saying this??

2 years ago

This is gold