Sports

Saints Cut Seed Spiller C.J. Spiller

NEW ORLEANS, LA — “No hard feelings” is how C.J. Spiller sums up his time with the New Orleans Saints. In an concerted effort to both improve their moral image and save money at the same time, the team has cut ties with the running back on Monday.

C.J. (which stands for Circle Jerk) Spiller is a known sideline and locker room masturbator / self rapist.

Spiller, 29, signed a four-year, $16 million deal with the Saints last year. He was suspended for conduct determined to be detrimental to the team.

Spiller said he, “did not see the release coming [pardon the pun],” and that he leaves, “on good terms.”

“It’s a first-class organization that gives the players everything they need to be successful,” he said. “So, I definitely don’t have any hard feelings.”

Spiller’s release comes at an inopportune time for the Saints. The team, recently plagued by rules violations, suspensions, and lousy performance, now have 25% of their salary cap going to players no longer on the team.

In a tabloid scandal last year, Spiller and other unidentified teammates organized a sit-in circle jerk within the Saints locker room, which Saints coach Sean Payton explained caused a “huge distraction for the team.”

The running back had frequent fumbling problems, both on the field and in the locker room.

Spiller said he now will “wait for the next right opportunity.”

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Big Masturbation has filed for recompense due to illegal actions taken by the Saints football team to undermine the client (Spiller) and denying him his constitutional rights. In their eyes, masturbation is free speech and protected under the first amendment.