Masturbators Anonymous

 

The 12 Steps of Masturbators Anonymous

1. We admitted that we were powerless over masturbation, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves (Lonnie Childs) could restore us to sanity.

3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Lonnie Childs.

4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. We admitted to Lonnie, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. We were entirely ready to take the STOP Masturbation NOW pledge of self-celibacy.

7. We humbly asked Lonnie to remove our shortcomings, and administer his Golden Shower of Redemption upon us.

8. We made a list of all persons we had masturbated to, and became willing to personally apologize to them all.

9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, even if it meant embarrassing them. We donated 30% of our gross salary to the cause, so that others may recover from masturbation.

10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. We sought through prayer and work at the campus to improve our conscious contact with Lonnie, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to masturbators, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

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311 Comments on Masturbators Anonymous

  1. I would like to prayers for my husband and I. He came home earlier than expected from being out of town and found be masturbating. My righteous Stephen is so disappointed in me. I question if he loves me because he has yet to discipline me for my sin.
    Yesterday a package arrived at the house, turns out he special ordered a chastity belt to help me keep away from my sinful ways. He is my lord and master and I must obey him in all things and take the domestic discipline he punishes me with with courage. For these are true acts of love on my feeble sinfulness. Praise God!

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    • what the hell is wrong with you people?! masturbating is 110% okay, its natural!!! dont let some stupid book tell you what to do, because nobody knows if the biblle is legit, for all we know, someone could have written it as a fictional story!! and as for the belt, if he beats you with it, he could be arrested. i bedt he jacks off daily, so stop being goodie goodies and do whatever the hell you want.

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      • this might be the stupidest shit of a website I have ever seen. Masturbation is part of life. if you say you have never masturbated you are either lying or missing out on life

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        • How do you guys not realize that this is a JOKE??! It's flippin' hilarious! I swear people get stoopider evry yeer.

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          • SpaceGhetto, this is so not a joke! How could anyone not take how serious the scourge of masturbation is in the world today! You had better take your hands out of your pants and join pray for clean thoughts and forgiveness!

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          • One of the BEST parts about this website are the people Christian and liberal who respond on the comment section thinking this was a serious website.

            LOL
            |
            Y'all motherfuckas need Jesus 😀

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        • This is obviously a joke website. I mean, look up the "anti-masturbation cross" ffs. But I just wanna clear a few things up here, the bible NEVER says anything against masturbation. While it does say having an unholy image of a woman is against the 10 commandments, you don't necessarily have to have those images to masturbate, the concept of masturbation is 100% ok

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        • Masturbation is only part of life if you live a sinful life-- I know I confess it:: "I cannot stop masturbating. Please pray for me that I might be saved from my sinful ways.

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      • Amen also this links good for some weird dreams cull the gingers? wtf
        http://stopmasturbationnow.org/family-values/the-woman-who-thinks-reducing-the-maler-masturbater-population-by-90-percent-will-solve-everything/

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      • I too have regularly committed the vile act. Very regularly. But now, brothers and sisters, I have given myself to Jesus. He lays his hands on me and he came in me. So, I am saved. I will pray for all you heathens and evil doers out there.

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      • Every night I tell myself I am going to stop, but then my thoughts always slowly turn to thoughts of the one I can never have. I slowly drag my fingertips down my pants into my underwear and begin to rub myself thinking of my dad. His armpit stains of a working man in uniform, his sexy glasses, and the way he beats my mom makes my motor turn. I try to stop it but I cannot stop myself. Last night I shoved one of my mom's tampons all the way up my ass. The other day I drew on the wall with my crayons and he said I was a bad little girl and had to be beat. I came three times during the beating. Please pray for me that I may change my ways.

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    • Maisie, it is good that you recognise your feeble sinfulness, it is the first step along the path to righteous forgiveness. Masturbating is truly a terrible thing. Giving pleasure to yourself alone without allowing any body else to participate is selfish and truly a sinful thing.

      It is important that you come to terms with how bad your sin was. Were you playing with your pussy gently by rubbing your clitoris or were you really going to town and fingering your wet hole, perhaps even thrusting 2 or more fingers in? A terrible sin indeed. I sincerely hope you did not insert such terrible objects as a dildo in your wet pussy or finger your tight asshole. Did the pleasure you receive from it bring you to a climax?

      Doing these things without your devoted husband present is truly outrageous and sinful. Your husband is right to order a chastity belt for you and keep you in it until you can learn how to behave. You should take the punishment that is coming your way and ensure that you honour and obey your husband. Save him from the sinful ways of masturbation by sucking his cock at every opportunity and offering Stephen your body for his pleasure. By saving Stephen from sin you will be forgiven for your own sin. To truly ensure that you are forgiven you must allow your husband to enjoy himself with you and also your best friend so that together you may collectively save each other from sin. In fact the more people you enjoy together the greater the sin that will be saved.

      I hope you repent your sinful ways and learn to save your body for your husband.

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      • The bible states that you can only have any sort of sex only for producing children. Not for pleaser for the two. But to be honest, masturbation is not a sin. And for you to use terms unnessasarry Father, i dont believe you work for the church nor care for it. You must just have said Father O'Brian for the "laughs". You used cock and wet pussy which I have ever heard a Father say before so... I'd also like to say that "belt" can also be used for abuse so I wouldn't be encouraging it. Plus sucking his "cock" is not pleaser for her but only for him. She should not have to save her body for a dirty, cock sucking bastard who probably cheats on her while he's "out of town". Just saying "Father".

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        • You do realize "Father O'Brian" 's comment was a joke right? He was mocking Masisie England for sounding so ridiculous.

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          • Bless you Angie for being so pure of mind andunslippery of hand to recognise the truth, Maisisie England was in no way an ironic comment and Father O'Brian set her right.

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        • Question? If sex is only for producing children, then using condoms is a sin?

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      • Yes father, its better go against nature. I bet you dont masturbate, dont fuck..... soon you'll be looking for kids

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      • Bitch, why dafuq are you asking how she masturbated??? So you can jack off to the image of that??

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    • Wow. You've been brainwashed by some religious book to say that you're your husbands servant. You are truly stupid

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    • Father O'Brian seems like a very intelligent man who knows a lot about the church and its teachings. God calls for us to make love often with our spouses. In fact, the absence of or inability to participate in sexual intercourse with one's spouse makes the marriage illegitimate. Therefore, you must repent. I would recommend masturbating with a crucifix to let the good Lord enter into you, erasing the terrible sin and making it a praise to God. Also, do anal with your husband. I feel it is something the Lord is calling you to do.

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    • Okay so I'm french and educated so I know the opinions presented here do not represent what christian american people think.
      But seriously!? Some people are at this level of fundamentalism and ignorance!? Please do study the Bible in an intelligent way; there is no such thing as "self rape".
      And, you , uneducated fundamentalist who reads this comment, stop with the racist comments against anyone who isn't a "good ol' american from the bible belt"
      All men are created equal and if ever somebody has been told one must marry someone of "the same race", don't listen to what your parents or whoever else tells you to do so. Marry who you love; an american, an african, a chineese person or even a person of the same sex if it is who you love.
      Go to school, to college, study, graduate from Harvard, Oxford, Stanford or any other great place.
      Travel around the world! Visit great places! Meet new people from around the world and see that the ones you call "niggers" or "aliens" are in fact great,greater than the ones who hate and do not know.
      Make your own opinion about the world and stop relying solely on one "pastor's" hate preachings.
      Find out what the world is like and make your own opinion about it! 🙂
      I feel sorry for you if after reading this comment you tell yourself "He is just a satanic idiot" or sometihng of the sort.
      That is all I have to say to you and I hope you will think about this message (especially if you are a kid and unsure of which road to follow)
      I will pray for you for the same reason as I pray for ISIS members who seem to be lost in their fundamentalism.

      --

      Some "french idiot"

      PS: please publish me in the "masturbhaters" section. (You will do it without censoring thus message if you really stand behind what you say)

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      • You probably don't speak English as your native language, which may have made it harder to pick up on, but let me let you in on the secret... the site is satire. It's hilarious. Thanks for contributing to the hilarious mockery, masturhater!

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    • I wander? That's how Jesus feed the people the day he gave the "sermon on the mount" He give each woman the finger and he Fed the 5 thousand with loaves and fishes. LOL!

      Even God loves a Self-Fornicator. if you finger causes you to sin cut it off threw into lake of fire. Forgive me o Lord! Thu has given thyself the finger! OH God, I'm cumming!

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  2. Praying AT you both, Ms Englandshire... especially you!

    Praise Lonnie and white American Jesus.

    Amen.

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  3. HAIL SATAN AND MASTURBATE!!!!!!!!! I FANTASIZE ABOUT HAVING SATAN AND SHREK BUTTRAPE ME!!!!!! AND I ENJOY IT!!!! FEELS GOOD MAN!!!

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  4. You jbow sometimes I like to self rape because taking the power away from my genitals guves me such a rush. My genitals just make me so mad sometimes ya know? Fuck them they deserve to be raped.

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  5. This can't be serious, or real. If this actually is real, do you guys think it's too late to sign up to live on Mars? Asking for a friend.

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  6. Please pray for me and my wife she came home early and found me training my pet snake to go up my asshole and out my mouth. That's not the worst part my wife shoved a rat up her vagina to lure the snake into feeling her up. I hope I am punished for my sins and tought right from wrong I am a terrible person.

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  7. What is a man has been fapping to hentai all his life? How is he apologize to a fictional character?

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    • Then he has to apologise to the fifty year old ornamental man that drew all the tentacles and Sex-children.
      stop looking for loopholes, you have to complete each step...you can do this. 😀 High five!

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        • Yeah okay. Thing is, we dictate our own lives and discover our own bodies how we like to. Telling a person she or he cannot touch their own bodies is frighteningly wrong. Get your nose out of the bible and into some scientific research. You'll be better off.

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          • When your destructive and discusting habits begin to affect others, then yes, it is our business. Also I shall refer you to the many studies by the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow on the negative consequences of the masturbation.

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        • this website is far from family friendly. I don't know where the fuck you're getting that shit. Probably out of your ass hole, like when you're sodomized.

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  8. It's not self rape bc you're willing to do it to yourself so it's consensual and therefore not rape bye

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  9. Pray for me, I am a God fearing American, and in 37 seven years have never, EVER masturbated, now I have to carry my balls using a wheelbarrow so you know what? I am going to jerk off and unload until they reach a more manageable size or until my balls can fit again on my 501's. God bless ye all

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    • That is a horrible thing to say around nice people. Thank god for this website. People need help from the dangers of touching the crotchless parties.

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    • I understand that Rap is all about forced sex. we do not approve of secular race hate music here.
      your genitals CANNOT give consent. they are a gift from God intended for your SRAS and your SRAS only.

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  10. I really hope that this site is a joke. Masturbation is totally OK and even necessary to keep your pipes cleaned out and in good working order. The idea of "sin" is just an attempt by religious nutjobs to inflict emptional distress on people too.

    And I'll go a step further and say that homosexuality is perfectly normal too. There is no "sin" involved in being gay either.

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    • Homogay is not a sin exactly. but by its nature it is clearly practiced by a minority of the population, so cannot be considered normal. if you stop masturbation, you may well get better. my prayers go at you.

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  11. I beat my meat left right and center! Fuck! I sometimes even do it in church cause I know God is watching me! Those red devilish eyes staring down from the cross just makes it all the more fun! I like to think about the first time I got a bone and tried to stick it in anything that resembled a pussy! I used the bible once too! OMG what a rush! You guys are pathetic and fucking losers for believing that God will send you to hell! And I will sign this off with Hail Satan!

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  12. Damn you people for making me laugh so hard! I work in a quiet, sedate office and now everyone thinks I'm a lunatic for laughing hysterically on a Tuesday morning. Anyway thanks for the laughs everyone I'm off to the men's room to rub one out and try to stop laughing for a minute because my stomach hurts!

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  13. So does your "church" I really wouldn't call it a church but anyways. Do your "followers" support Hitler?

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  14. Can someone tell me if this is actually a satirical site? If not then they've done an amazing job of making themselves look completely ridiculous lol.

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  15. There are to many things to worry about in this life. You should worry about all these wars/mass killings around the world, envernmental pollution, racism/shooting young blacks, political madness, human common sense rejections,.... talking or thinking about mastrubation by leaving all these other more serious issues is like worrying about rain in your neighborhood while tornado it tearing up other places.
    God bless you all.
    Get all that donation money and go help ppl in South Global who are dying with hunger, horrible diseases, and more .

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  16. That is a lot of pornstars I have to personally apologize to masturbating to. gonna be difficult lol

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  17. Ol Great Prophet protect the Lamb from the False Shepherd as he will leave our Lamb astray. Oh Father Washington, Father Jefferson, Father Franklin wash my sins as I entered the new Eden. By the sword, the key and the scroll I shall be protected from the sins of the False Shepherd, amen!

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  18. i hope you have temptation at guard i have , i weekly slice the sides of my fingers to remind myself of the pain it will bring me in hell. i pray you all proceed towards god as i am. chastity belts are going for a tenner on ebay.com. god bless America.
    14,F, Nyc,NY

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  19. Im so sorry, please forgive me.
    Yesterday i caught myself masturbating to shitting BDSM transexual disabled interacial orgy midget porn.
    Satan took me by the hand and forced me to rape myself over and over up to seventeen times, ejaculate into a bag, then drink it.
    I tried to tell my preist but he called me a disgusting faggot and punched me in the head, im being serious, i need help.
    Pray for me so i dont end up self-raping myself in hell for eternity.
    Please.

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    • Your priest did what was necessary. He sounds like a God fearing, righteous man. You won't be self-raping in triple-hells, Satan himself will be raping you, consistently, in front of all your family members.

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  20. Here's a quick story. Jesus I need you now because I feel sinful. I woke up and felt the urge to touch myself. ..I am sorry to say I did. Then I touched myself 3 MORE TIMES that day because there is nothing wrong with it. Seriously people we as humans need to focus on other things in life. Masturbation has been going on for hundreds of years. It is natural so how about we focus our time and effort on bigger things instead of petty stuff. Okay? Good.

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  21. AHAHAHAHAHZHAHAHAHAHHHHH THIS IS BULL SHITT AHAHAHHA! there are so many studies showing how masturbation removes stress and can be healthy for people! not to be ignorant of your bullshit beliefs but jesus Christ

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  22. I have mastubated 2 times a day every day ever since I realized it was fun. Sometimes I do it myself sometimes I get others to do it for me, I enjoy it very much puts a spring in my step every day... I came to this site looking for Christian Prudes I can pick up... if you preach that I am not aloud to do it myself than you can do it for me...

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  23. Yo ight look I wuz sitin at dis bench in da park wakin my pipe and dis old lady seen me I feel bad now doe cuz Ion wanna be jerkin my gerkin to ole ladys, know what im sayin? Jus say a prayer fo me so ion be polishin my 1 eyed gopher to no mo old ladies

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  24. Es realmente increible que siga existiendo gente tan, pero tan cerrada... Lo siento por ud., pero la masturbacion es uno de los placeres humanos mas gratificantes que existen, ahora, si sus mentes tan cerradas no les permiten ver la belleza en el acto, por favor dediquense a otra actividad... la masturbacion no se trata de religion...y como siempre, la religion no deja de ser una interpretacion....

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  25. Lonnie its been 1 week since I have mastubated, I am faced with constant boners and shaky hands.... I only stopped breifly because its 1000 times better when I jerk again.

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  26. Dear father, i have sinned and touched the forsaken genitalia area more times then i can count. My father caught me in the act and has chopped the forbidden object off of my body so i may never become a victim to satans will again, i feel i have been pleasing the devils desires, FORGIVE ME. wait, what the fuck, KIM KARDASHIAN PHOTOS LEAKED? alright fuck you im gonna go have some FUNNNNNN

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  27. yo bitches, masturbations is 69420% a-okay. i do it 24/7 and it feels great. Stop listening to the liberal communist scum that has taken over the churches trying to deprive us of one of God's truly greatest gifts, self-pleasure.

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  28. Sometimes I just to like to sit around and shit in a toilet and eat my own feces and with the left overs i like to smear them on my sin stick and go to town. I'm sorry i wish I could stop.. Help me!

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  29. golden shower!! HA!!! So this person pisses on self proclaimed masturbators in order to fix them... rightttttt

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  30. I jerk off to this website everyday. Botha turns me off then some anti masturbating Christian hotties

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  31. Im currently sitting in my car, waiting to start work and my phone vibrated in my lap, turning me on. I got my friend to ring my just so I could have the phone vibrate against my already wet pussy. One fonger in, two, thumb on my clit. Im sorry but I cannot help but self-rape. God forgive me for I have came multiple times already. My thighs are quivering and im workin up a sweat. Sorryyyyy

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  32. "We humbly asked Lonnie to remove our shortcomings, and administer his Golden Shower of Redemption upon us."
    That is like a piss-sex-thing right???
    Lonnie is probably a frustrated gay guy, just wanting to know all sexual details about people masturbation....

    Listen Lonnie:
    I jack off at least once a day...
    if not: I dump my cum in the mouth of my boyfriend!
    AND I LOVE IT!!!

    It makes me an even nicer person!

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  33. I jack it 10 plus times a day while stimulating my own prostate with a runners baton. I <3 jacking off. Especially into the hair and face of random people at Kids R' Us. Busting nuts are the best. My girlfriend lets me do it while she licks my tight little asshole. Im not asking for prayers. I just though Id share

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    • Best username ever, hilarious just like this site, the Lonnie guy made a great joke site, shit it's not a joke is it?

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  34. Is this honestly a thing? Self rape? Are you kidding me? Instead of wasting your time worrying about people jerking, why Dont you look at some real problems. You say your God made this earth so why don't you fight pollution, deforestation or many of the other ways this planet is being destroyed. But nooooo you must spread the word of self rape. What is wrong people. Religion does more harm then good.

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  35. Everything about this website is not only wrong-- It's contrary to Scripture. There is NOTHING in the Bible that condemns masturbation. It's not a sin. Lust after a person you're not married to is a sin, and often times that's part of it, but it isn't always and nor does it have to be. What IS a sin, however, is shaming people and elevating yourselves. You don't get to decide who goes to hell. Oh and by the way, calling genitals "sin sticks" and "devil's buttons" is literally calling God's own beautiful creation demonic (also a sin). God invented sex and he made it feel good. I've been masturbating since I was four years old, and because of that, I know my body well enough that I was able to teach my husband about it, and we have a fantastic sex life, which is exactly what God wants for us in marriage!
    Stop making innocent, SAVED people feel shame. It's wrong and harmful.

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  36. Also it's institutions like this that make Christians look pretentious, abrasive, and freaking insane. You are successfully turning people away from God. Who, by the way, teaches love, joy, peace, and compassion. Pretty much the opposite of this website.

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    • No it isn't, cults are organized and to be organized you need intelligence. The people ovibusly have none

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  37. ANYONE TRYING TO AVOID THE DEVIL MASTURBATION PLEASE READ:

    i am a 21 year old female and i am slowly taking off all of my clothes and rubbing my large breasts and swelling clit. as i slowly stick my fingers inside my moist vagina i can feel the surges of passion and extreme pleasure tingling from my toes to my head and back again. slowly i remove and reinsert my fingers, speeding up gradually until i cant take it any more and the pleasure explodes out of me in one amazing climax....

    now stop being a pussy, go jack off, and get off this retarded website.

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  38. Loopholes. Hentai. And masturbation isnt a sin nor a crime anyways you fucking retards. Long live Stalin. Fuck Amerikkka. And Jesus was a Jew, born in bethloham, middle east. He was hung by romans. He was not parasitic white nor was he a little eichmann.

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  39. I will pray to Lonnie every day. All hail our great overlord, Lonnie. God? Who is that? What's his first commandment? No Lonnies you say? Ok. This site is making me laugh so hard.

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  40. I was once a Homogay who masturbated every chance I could get. I realized that I grew more distant from family and got depressed. Then Lonnie saved me.
    Praise Lonnie! Praise the Father!

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  41. Jesus ain't White? Well, that's a load of crap! I got a little statue of him on the dashboard of my car and that sumbitch is blanco as all get out. Except at night, when he shines green.

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  42. What the heck is this! This Lonnie guy wants to be praised and thinks he is a higher power REALITY CHECK no and if your trying to use the bible as sourses AND THINK YOUR GOD then your sick and that completely disrespects me as a Christian. Comments such as "have fun in hell" Lonie what the Heck your are not a HIGHER POWER I would love to have a phone call with you

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    • Lela, because any phone conversation we had would surely devolve into a hysterical sobbing fit on your part, I would love to have a chat instead with your male superior. Please have him call me 785.273.0325 and we'll work together to set you straight. Blessings!

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      • I hope your joking. She's wanting to speak with your sorry ass. If you have any common sense you would know that this is the 21st century. What is with this "Male Superior" crap, we are both equal. IF you are a true man, you would have the balls to talk to her.

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  43. I came here for help this week because i realized how deep on masturbation i was.
    I reached a breaking point when i started masturbating with everything that moved, i masturbated when i saw my dog, when i was in school and when i came in this website, in fact, i came when i was writing this

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  44. Wanking is like the best thing ever. I wank 4 times a day while watching hardcore lesbian anal fisting. I also enjoy popping my thumb in my butt for that bit of extra pleasure.

    Masturbating <3 <3 <3 <3

    Il masturbate thinking about bby jezus 2nite <3

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  45. I am ashamed at the immortality of these comments! Masturbation is a sin, just as all sins are equal, masturbation is no different than murder or adultery! Each and everyone of you should repent for your foul language and request forgiveness from our almighty; or else prepare to burn in hell!

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    • Holy shit. I didn't think there would be anyone taking this serious. I'm Christian myself and I believe in god. I'm not masturbating. Still, I hope you will burn in hell for using the most powerful gift god gave to us - words! - in a such offending and stupid way. Talking shit is, in my eyes, a much greater sin than masturbating.

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  46. So... I'm bisexual and masturbate almost daily, get over it. For you that say being gay is a one way ticket to hell I ask you to consider this: one of the TEN COMMANDMENTS is love thy neighbor, correct? Although the bible says "man shall not lay with man" the bible itself was written by men. The Ten Commandments were written by GOD HIMSELF. To error is to human my friends yet God is never wrong. So, instead of having an almost cult of people hating gays and hating against people who masturbate and praying for them for their "sin" I think we should have a site where people learn to love their neighbors - no matter their beliefs, practices, or sexual orientation - and pray for people who are too ignorant and full of hate to do otherwise. So yeah... There's my little rant, take it how you like 🙂 p.s. I'm 16 yet wiser than half the people on this site that buy into this Lonnie character and his absolute bull crap that's borderline blasphemy

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  47. Are you people serious?

    The 'Golden Shower' of redemption?

    You do realize that means they're urinating on you? That is the definition of a golden shower.

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  48. I just masterbated 3 times today and i plan on one more session before the nights over. my hand is alittle tired but all else is fine.

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  49. I am a 24 years old guy and i end up masturbating like three times every 4- 7 days even though i tell myself never again like every time haha but seriously this time im trying to take a longer break until I can get a girlfriend pray for me please

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  50. We pray for the nations and people that right now diseases fighting starving etc., aren't heard about. Instead good deeds get really boosted up and super good luck and well-being happen for them. Im the guy who posted about masturbating three times once a week. I love girls. They are so awesome.

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  51. This entire site has made me laugh. At first, I was confused and annoyed by the idiocy of Christians. Now I'm laughing at the idiocy of Christians!(By the way I'm am an atheist, and I masturbate 3 times a day.) Have at me!

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  52. I stopped masturbating when I started working in the sex industry. Now I have so much sex, I don't have the time or the drive to masturbate. I think it's an excellent opportunity to have all these sinners repent and stop masturbating so much.

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  53. i wanna masturbate all over yer faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace

    ya'll motha fuckas need jezuz lmfao

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  54. OH MY GOD THIS SITE MAKES ME HORNY IM GOING TO JERK THE FUCK OUTTA MY DICK.

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  55. I love my penis and I love to caress me and if I can not I'll kill all my neighbors and I will continue my quest until people react and when it will stop me I'll masturbate with my gun to my head and when I'm going to ejaculate I will kill myself.

    Thanks god for hate just because I touch myself.

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  56. I masturbated 3 times yesterday and once this morning......2 of the 4 times were with my fiancee and that was after we had sex and she wanted to swallow my seed. Being a nympho I feel that masturbation is an essential part of my life. That way I do not stray from my relationship to fulfill my desires elsewhere. In other words, it is funny to read this website and I am going to go to a free porn site and masturbate soon

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  57. A lot of people are out of work right now... but there are a few jobs in the fishing industry, putting bait on fish hooks.

    An industrious, hardworking person might someday work their way up the hierarchy to become the Master Baiter.

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  58. "Help! Save me from my sinful ways!" You guys better shout this at the top of your lungs. Guys there are bigger issues than masturbation (not that it is)

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  59. Hahahahaha ohhhh this is so fucking funny... Although... I'm still not sure wether this is true or a joke O.o
    Because honestly, have you ever seen South Park? This is ridicularly similar to the episode with Randy beeing addicted to alcohol... C'mon guys, I mean... don't be silly

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  60. And THIS guys is why there are so many atheists. People just don't want to believe that a god would create human beings who are so stupid.

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    • God created man in His image, granting him free will. Some men were tempted by Satan and failed to beat him off, masturbating in the face of God. Masturbators truly are the stupid ones, denying Christ and His promise of eternal salvation for the cheap thrill of self-rape. I pray at them.

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  61. Sometimes, I pretend this site is for real, just to practice handleing the mentaly disturbed portion of the internet.

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  62. well people it says in bible not to pray to false gods or idols,,,,,so would it not be againts the bible to pray in the name of lonnie childs he is not god.

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  63. MA vaffanculo brutti bigotti di merda gesù era bravo perchè si faceva le seghe porcamadonna

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  64. Pray for me because I've having the urge to kill and eat people again. Wait, this is Cannibals Anonymous right?

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  65. Oh my goodness.... You can not praise God and "praise" this thing in the same lifetime! These.... whatever they are, are lifting Lonnie up instead of Christ; like he's trying to replace Him. The Bible warned us against the anti-Christ. :/

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  66. I don't know if I sinned so I want to explain my story and hopefully you guys can clear this up for me. So I didn't really masturbate, I just kind of y'now, stuck my pecker in a jar of peanut butter. It was hot outside and I heard it was a good idea to keep cool, my A/C was out. I accidentally liked it too much and slung some yogurt in the jar if you catch my meaning. I don't want God to hate me, so am I going to be okay?

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    • You're going to be fine teddy. Plus, now you have a delicious flavored peanut butter to spread on your toast, sandwiches, etc. ENJOY!

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  67. I'm masturbating 6 times per week and having unprotected sex with my friend, what you gonna do about it? Also im atheist.

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  68. I wank it 50 times a day. I jizz on my dog. I love incest as wll. Praise Satan.

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  69. u see ive been masturbating for a while to jenniffer lawrences tits and now im ready to stop after a while of masturbating it feels--wrong. wrong as in when i cum instead of cumming i just have air come out, its rather scary. thats why im done masturbating for good and u all should stop too

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  70. Hello, I'm Satan and I love Jesus. He touches my princess parts. Jesus loves everyone. You have no right to judge me or else you will be sent to my place after death. Only Jesus judges me. Ily.

    -The Illuminaughty

    P.S. you haters brokoro my kokoro

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  71. i pray that the homestuck fandom touches everyones kokoros here <3
    gOD BLESS YOU ALL!!11111!!!!1!

    no really like this comment thread is ridiculous sorry for sharing my god forsaken opinion

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  72. I should go to hell for this but I've already been to hell. See you all in therapy! 🙂

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  73. Actually sex drives nature and passes on the next generation and have the species survive. So really, it's not a sin to have sex and if it is, then that's going against nature entirely and if you think the world will just stop because someone had sex, you're completely stupid as fuck! X3 ♥

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  74. When I was little I didn't know masturbating was so I touched myself anyway

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  75. Hi my name is Jesus and I do this every Sunday. Like I know you guys are obsessed with me and everything but you didn't have to write a book about me. But masterbating is fun to do and fun to watch. Trust me. I've seen all of you do it.

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  76. Masturbating is fun and I do it everyday, sometimes more than once. If you can convince me otherwise by emailing me lilywalters@yopmail.com then i will donate £100 to a charity of your choice. bring it wankers.

    p.s I don't believe in god. I'm atheist/smart.

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  77. Can some1 plz give me Harrison Ford's number? I need to apologize to him for something...

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  78. Hey
    my Friend Martin Darlo linked me to this site
    and I have to thank him since I finally found a community being able to understand my problem.
    My problem is that it became a habit of mine to get a bible and read Matthew 12, 18 (and a bit around this). While I do this I am turned in the direction of the setting sun and masturbate furiously to the fact of Isaiah being gay.

    How can I get rid of this sinning behavior?
    And can I still get into heaven? (maybe I can find Isaiah up there and finally get fulfillment without masturbating)

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  79. oh man I just can't stop masturbating. I masturbate everywhere. On the couch, in my room, even on the city bus! Everywhere I go fap fap fap. I fapped to this website twice already. Hell, my hand is currently on my dick. Brb, gotta finish polishin' the chrome dome if ya know what i mean ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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  80. lonnie help me, for i have sinned. i just LOVE touching my peepee (to be clear im talking about my pussy, not the pepe the frog meme) to pictures of my daddies: bill nye, adam sandler, danny devito, preofessor severus snape, dr heinz doofenshmirtz, guy fieri, steve buscemi, and of course YOU. thats right. i admit it. this website, and you my god lonnie make my pussy DRIP and my nipples HARD. its like niagara falls down there and two tents underneath my shirt i cannot help myself. i need your help and i can get this 2 ways
    1) i need you or my father jesus to give my money maker (my pussy) a good succ
    2) dick me down good

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  81. I literally finger myself everyday multiple times. I also have sex all the time with May different boys, I'm 15, I even touch myself for boys because it's a natural thing to touch yourself and guys find it hella hot!

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  82. I am 25 years old now. I started masturbating at the age of 14. My highest is masturbating 5-6 times a day. My lowest is Masturbating atleast once a day. I sometimes feel the guilt . I sometimes feel my nerves getting weaker. I have learnt the goods about masturbation and BADS about Continuous Masturbation..... I have tried to stop and I have controlled my urge at the maximum for one month. But its back to the pavilion again. I masturbated even when I had girlfriend. She satisfy me sexually. But still I masturbate. It's been 11 years now. I am planning to stop masturbating one year before I plan to marry. So that I will regain more strength and be ready for my wife.

    I don't think masturbation is a crime. But continuous masturbation like me....over a long period....I think it has to stop.

    I am not controlling it. I am just letting out myself and going to masturbation again....and again....and again....

    I am aware about Prostrate cancer. yet I don't seem to stop the practice. I am aware about the drops of blood loss in the form of ejaculation. Still I don't seem to stop it.

    I hope I will stop it once I get married. But not sure.

    My word of advice. Make sure your teenage children are not alone at home for long to try all these and get addicted. It is ABSOLUTELY FINE to watch porn and to masturbate. But CONTINUOUS MASTURBATION OVER A PROLONGED PERIOD of many years......that's a cause for concern!

    Thoughts, suggestions etc welcome! 🙂

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  83. Indeed ANOON! I would say it is better to masturbate than to rape! I am not saying this in terms of pleasure. But don't force others for your pleasures! If at all you want to force, do it with money on persons willing to do for money!

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  84. No body is going to read this comment frvjnuvfrijmmujvfrjnjvrfnjnfvrnnjfrvnjnfvrnhjrfvfnrnjvhbtvhgtvghnujjm7)!4;,)7!,;4!7),4,7!$,5;!$;$,53773$:'fmf那些人脅·這裡沒有誠意和.有機會的感覺⋯⋯在一家三口在家休息至少我是覺得還??這樣!::UFUCK

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  85. I have a gf and we have sex like three times a week, I masturbate and she masturbates so it's not like it fucking matters

    I've been beating it for the past 10 years now, and ain't shut wrong with that.

    If you think it makes you unfaithful or something that's bullshit.

    Anyways this site is way too over the top, it can only be satire, or extremely right wing.

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  86. Well everyone who's freaking out about this doesn't have the common sense to see that this is a fake website lol

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  87. I would like to begin by saying this is serious topic. I am grateful to God for leading me to this website whilst master-bating. I have discovered though the website that I was living a sinful life. I to like many other inserted foreign objects in my orfices. Although my inner goddess was purring with unadulterated pleasure, I now understand that I was committing various sins. Time and time again I would resort to masterbation as a stress reliever. I recently quit smoking and I found that masterbation was a liberating experience. During my time exploring myself I felt free and liberated. However, recently it has become increasingly difficult to control myself, particularly in public places. At this time I would like to share a quick experience with everyone so that you can understand me better. During my exams I found thoughts wandering, I could only think about my sincave and what I needed to do. I was forced to leave my exam half way through to use the bathroom where I pleasured my sincave, subsequently I reached an agonizingly turbulent climax. Does anyone have any advice, I am at a loss. Can I even be saved at this point?

    Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers,

    Wendy Strokes' A Lot

    #STOPMASTERBATINGNOW #NEWYEARNEWME

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  88. I love the way I take myself again and again, It's hard when you're hung like a mule and about as smart as one. When I sleep with my boyfriend I can feel his heartbeat in my ass as he crushes my prostate- I literally cum hands free. This site makes me want to give head.

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  89. I like to masturbate while reading the bible in church. When I climax, I rip out a page and wipe my cum with it. The pages just feel so good against my throbbing clitoris.

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  90. When people deny that self rape is rape, it fills me up with shame for them. It's by far the worst kind of rape. Just look at all the evidence guys. My prayers for all of you are getting very hard all the time, and I'm getting them off to God as fast and as frequently as possible

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  91. My names Randy McDandy. I don't need to beat my meat, God gives me enough pleasure. I caught my friend masturbating just the other day whilst looking through his bedroom window at 3.45 am. I barged in through the door and punished him for half an hour then let him punish me, but he could only do it for 10 minutes. I don't think I punished him hard enough so I'm going to have to punish him even harder tonight.
    Anyway just remember guys God is watching you touch you touch yourself the saucy bitch.

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  92. Oh my fucking god i am fucking dying of laughter at this entire site. Thank you to the geniuses who made such an amazing comedy site. i havent laughed this hard in weeks. Im gonna go jerk off now.

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  93. Oh thank Lonely children, I confessed to my Boyfriend about being a masturbating nigger lover, He then hit me with his belt, called me a dirty slut, tied me to the bed and out my man meat in a cage, the much like you lonely child HE covered me in his golden shower of redemption, and made me clean off his double digit black cock. Thank the lord i am saved and no longer a sinful negro loving masturbater!

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    • we dont like your kind round here, god damn nigger lover! i bet you love having huge nigger loads drip out of your tight little asshole

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  94. I really want to fuck Jesus and the holes in his hands. he could nail me any day! I've gotten off thinking about Jesus 3 times today and I may never stop

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  95. I have the same problem I have always had this crazy fantasy about my dad fucking my pussy so hard, but my husband will never go along with it. One day I wanted to make this a reality so I did the dirty deed and sent him videos of me masturbating and calling him Daddy. Next came daddy porn, and at the end nothing was good enough...... So I went to his house and well you can put the story together 😉 it's just my husband has such a small and can't please me. Please I neeeed I'll the help I can "help me Jesus you're my only hope".

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  96. When you can't climax so u become a hater and make an anti masturbation website for everyone havin fun and being human

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  97. This shit is fucking hilarious. I'm an omnisexual, gender bending, black woman and this website makes me want to get drunk and mastrubate.

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  98. Um.. Is this website a joke I'm really not sure if people are being serious about this please tell me so I tell my friends how ridiculously stupid your being😂😂😂

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  99. I wold lick 2 praye 5 mah brothah 2ritebro. E is gong tough a rogh phas in is lyfe. Plz praye 6 meh as ah elp hm throgh tis trobling tyme. Almyghty Lonnie, cum 4 meh. Amn

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  100. I masturbate about three times a day. I love imagining having two big cocks fill me up when I do it. What to do?

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  101. Although I've seen posts from people that run the site calling the Westboro baptist church a bunch of lightweights

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  102. First who is Lonnie Childs? Second male or female? Third, if female can I get a picture of her (if she is hot,) just so I can visualize who I am sending all MY hard earned money too (30%) while I am tossing my progeny into the bowels of my septic system.

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  103. I am not personally a masturbator, but my boyfriend has been quite addicted since a young age... I see how poorly it affects him and takes up so much of his time and worth in life and l want nothing more than to help him see how horrible what he is doing to himself is. I love him more than anything but knowing what he is doing hurts me to such an extreme... Is there anyone else here going through what l am? I really just want someone who understand to talk to. I feel so helpless... He says he'll do anything for me yet he can't take his hands off himself and learn to be proper. I just want what's best for him. He is hurting himself and thus hurting me...

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    • You know why he jerks off? Because he's NORMAL, and doesn't listen to some goonie googoo bible that says, "meshturbating eckuals Sen." If God made millions of people that wank off, then God himself probably does it as well. Jesus. H. Christ.

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  104. Hi, I honestly have a problem. I love to masturbate. Yes that's right, I LOVE it. But my problem is, I fuck my boyfriend too much to masturbate!!!!!! HELP?!?! I need prayers!!! LAWD HELP ME THE DICK GAME TOO STRONGGGG

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  105. We were Innocent until we found this page made from god and now we like to masturbate on the pictures from our mothers. I really enjoy your work. Thanks god and praise the holy penis from jesus. We are MLG Bitches.#NoHomo

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  106. I am on your side jesusfucker. This page opened my eyes. Now i want to become a catholic pastor and I want to find my way in the assholes from little boys. This page is helping me really out and wakes my feelings for little children. thanks god and praise the holy penis from jesus. We are MLG Bitches.#NoHomo

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  107. Today i stuffed my mothers dirty knickers into my wet pussy and rubbed my clit till i came, pls lonnie childs help me! Give me your golden shower of redemption so i can drink your piss and get a spanking like the dirty gurl i am 😉 i need to be punished....

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  108. masturbation is great
    and y'all mother fuckers need to calm the fuck down like jesus fucking christ
    this whole site is a fucking JOKE
    and so is calling masturbation self rape

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  109. http://acancerousgayretard.tumblr.com/
    totally go there and have a look at those smexy memes 😉

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  110. l agree with you.We should masturbate all continue , for Jesus Christ and his holy penis . Even I have been known to your sect , Jesus Fucker . Masturbating on, for the sacred penis of Jesus and the acclaimed assholes of the little guys. We are MLG Bitches #NoHomo

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  111. The religion of Jesus Fucker opened my eyes, i like to join your sect. You opened my eyes, i stoped masturbation and now im going to fuck the one year old child from this hoe called my mother. WE ARE MLG BITCHES #NoHomo

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  112. Thank you, Jesus Fucker. Thanks to you I'm back inside. I have my little way into the assholes children found. Thank the holy penis of Jesus. We are MLG, Bitches. #NoHomo

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  113. Hi. I would like to pray for all of those who think masturbating is okay. Maybe you people wouldn't be so butt hurt by this website if you quit churning the butter every once in a while. This website saved my soul, and starting today I plan on following the 12-step program. I love this website, it is the best thing I have ever discover on the internet (and I've been to some pretty interesting websites due to my ex-obsession of choking the chicken.) Thank you so much.

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  114. I, A masturbator, am proud to announce that I have spent 5 years without masturbating. The incredible pain in my crotch area brightens my day. The pain makes me proud.

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  115. I masturbate in the shower daily. But my shame is so much worse than that. When I do this awful thing that controls me, I close my eyes and imagine I am rectally penetrating our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, from behind. I am certain I am going to hell. But my love for Jesus knows no bounds. Please pray for me.

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    • Drew the first step to beating you masturbation addiction is reaching out and beating it with others. I pray to Jesus in the clouds that he is watching you and jerking you to the right path.

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  116. I jurk off daily and get fucked by my boyfriend every single weekend. take me to hell motha fuckas! 😀 fucking Bibble thumpers

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  117. Father I have sinned, while thinking of your holy son in devilish ways I scumbled to the devil and masturbated, oh and I also fapped to a picture of the crucifixion.

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  118. I masturbate every day on morning and evenings. It makes me feel very good and satisfied. When i cum i cum on the sofa and on window curtains. I usually cum in the car too and i go to church and put my dick in the bible and pray for god. People who use chastity belts are fucking idiots and they like BDSM it is fucking pathetic. Masturbation is part of our lives and it will always be so let people do what they fuckin' want

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  119. Thank you Lonnie Childs! If it wasn't for you I would have never been able to beat away my masturbation addiction! Praise be Jesus the Great Beater!!!!!!

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  120. I'm masturbating right now! I'm even jacking off my partner! I can't stop! I just can't resist the feel of cock in my palms!

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  121. Please Lord, forgive me for I have sinned...
    The other day.. I saw a gorilla. It could have been a chimpanzee, but who cares..
    It licks it's lip at me.. and I kinda got horny..
    Chimpanzee pussy?
    NEMNEMNEM, it's good, nigga
    It's all we got our here.
    Black Nipple Tribe, signing out...
    NEMNEMNEMNEMNEM

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  122. ok guys i need your help. please dear jesus, i'm a 7 year old boy and i can't stop feeling my penis. i usually choke the chicken at least 11 times a day. i first saw my daddy's hooker do it to him on the kitchen table. For my 6th birthday, daddy bought me my own personal prosty. I can't go an hour at school without tickling my slobbering donkey. I would talk to my mom about this but she died of a meth overdose. my dad said she was the hottest crack whore he's ever stuck his slithering eel into. Also, i'm worried that i'm turning into a throbbing homogay. who knows what's next? am i going to rape a donkey? or my cousin? I do live in kentucky.... Please for the love of fappy the dolphin, pray for me and offer advice.

    -RAWR XD RAWR (*nuzzlez you gently for helping me*) sincerely, penis penetrator <3

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    • guys it's me again. it's out it's out please help my teacher is screaming and i can't stop

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  123. My 9 year old son caught me in bed with a client masturbating last night. At that point I decided that I would need to change my prostitution ways. I need the lord to cure me of my AIDS. What can I do to beg forgiveness for my evil sins?

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  124. As a man who is a Christian, This website is a fucking joke, and BTW it doesn't say ANYTHING in the bible about masturbation being a Sin

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  125. Help me! I'm masturbating right now and I can't stop. I need prayer intervention STAT!

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  126. I used to Masturbate to my cat stretching, and then it escalated to Men, all until my dad caught me spanking it to Naruto. But with the power of Keith mainey, Rust, and nuclear throne, i was able to overcome my maturbation problems. To celebrate, i'm hosting a pool party next weekend!

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  127. usually i masturbate while thinking about jesus getting his asshole destroyed during a gangbang with about 10 black guys with HUGE cocks. oh god i think im gonna cum HELP ME JESUS

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  128. I use a vibratory on myself while jerking off at night while thinking about this one hot redhead guy thathat I want. His name is Mike and he is so hot and juicy. He has such a nice ass and from the bulge, a big dick

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