Morals / Trending

How to Report A Masturbator to the Authorities

The act of masturbation is illegal in all 50 states and US territories where it is classified as a “lewd and lascivious” act. Police departments are actively seeking out masturbators, as they present a danger to society and the fines associated with this crime generate a lot of revenue for the municipalities.

You may be asking yourself, “why don’t I hear more about masturbators being arrested?” The answer is simple: lack of evidence. The police need proof that someone is a masturbator before they can arrest them. Typically, masturbators do their sinful act in private because of the enormous amount of shame that they feel which makes it tough for the masturbator to get caught.

Fortunately, there are ways to protect society from these savages and keep your community masturbator free. Below are proven methods to get your local masturbator locked-up and off the streets.

Audio and Video Recording:

If you suspect someone of masturbating, try to get it on tape. You can do this by recording the person in the bathroom stall next to you or by placing a recording device on the window seal of their house. Taking a few snapshots in the locker room of your local gym is also recommended. If you think the guy in the shower is washing his genitals more than he should, get it on tape and send it to the police!

Get an Eyewitnesses:

Having another person corroborate your story is vital in getting a masturbation conviction. Make sure your witness is trustworthy, innocent and does not have any previous convictions. Children make the best witnesses. When I had my neighbor locked up for masturbating, having my kids stretch the truth to the police about him masturbating next to his window while they played was crucial in getting the judge to find him guilty.

Social Media:

The ever-changing world of technology can be helpful in putting masturbators where they belong. When someone admits to masturbating, make sure to get a “Screen Shot” of their admission and send it to the police. If you have trouble getting their confession, simply change the name and profile photo of your own account to match theirs and screenshot your own “admission”.

Photoshop:

Fabricating evidence is one of the best ways to put a masturbator behind bars. Today’s photo-manipulation software is easy to use and gets awesome results. When I got my ex-girlfriend sent away, it was because I was able to show the police a photo of her masturbating in a school playground during recess. I would not have been able to get that photo without the fine folks at Adobe Software. Make sure to only use software that you have lawfully paid for, otherwise you are using illegal software, which is wrong.

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augustweisz
Admin

Masturbators belong behind bars!

Dexter Battygarten iii
Guest
Dexter Battygarten iii

Screen shots. screen shots. screen shots. right. got it.

mk
Guest
mk

Masturbation is evil but the sex between a priest and a little boy is allowed .How sick are you? If God does exist, he certainly would not let you and those like you to spend the air on this earth .There is no no greater evil than religion. and worse disease than the religious fanatics!

FuckingBitch6969
Guest
FuckingBitch6969

You know this shit is satire, right?

David Hunter
Guest

i masturbated while reading this and now my key board is sticky !!

fuck god
Guest

This makes me want to fuckin masterbate and tell all you religious fuck to kiss my ass. This site is ridiculous and needs to be shut down go marry your sister and brother you hillbilly lowlifes

RELIGOIN RUINS PEOPLE
Guest
RELIGOIN RUINS PEOPLE

I agree.. this site is FUCKED UP
let me photoshop someone playing with their bits?
its perfectly healthy fuck i do it EVERY WEEK!!
you all need to get a fucking life.. and worry about the shit thats actually going on in the world.. like wars..
Praying wont do shit!!!

Rev. Richard Tuggins
Guest
Rev. Richard Tuggins

I pray for you, my son. Most sinners deny the existence of the Lord God. Masturbation is the most illegal thing in life. I fear you have been brainwashed since conception. If you give into self rape. What prevents you from committing murder, theft or becoming a Liberal?

I’ll pray for you, and your family.

Amen.

Billy
Guest
Billy

Wait wait wait. Most illegal thing in life? What about drugs and gangs?

Brian
Guest
Brian

I always give myself consent to touch myself.

none_yo_biz
Guest
none_yo_biz

For one, to say that it is the ‘most illegal thing in life’ sounds like it comes from your personal system of values. That does not mean it applies to everyone else. Secondly, self-rape is a contradicting term. The word ‘rape’ implies a resistance to physical or sexual intercourse. Unless you have a severe case of split personality disorder, self-rape does not happen. Tell me this, SPECIFICALLY what is wrong with masturbation? All of you religious crazies spend your time writing/talking/preaching some VERY serious statements, but lack the proof to support your arguments. I can understand that, sure, it can… Read more »

KING GO FUCK YOURSELVES FOR AGREEING WITH THIS FUCKED UP WEBSITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guest
KING GO FUCK YOURSELVES FOR AGREEING WITH THIS FUCKED UP WEBSITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i masturbate daily but i dont feeel the need to go and kill anyone. i believe in god and the Lord Jesus Christ but if i choose to “rape” myself then so be it, and for something to be considered “rape” it means that the sexual action was committed when another person doesnt want it, therefore its not rape since were doing it to ourselves, it is not rape. When a person masturbates he/she is not raping themselves or anyone else because masturbation feels amazing many people want to do it so therefor there is no way that you can… Read more »

Ephesians
Guest
Ephesians

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 ESV / 362 helpful votes

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.

Ephesians 5:3 

But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.

I pray that our prayers can set you upon the right path to salvation so that your soul doesn’t burn in the eternal lake of fire and pain.

oink im a rabbit
Guest
oink im a rabbit

you do realize that the actual site is a joke right, this is like a master troll

Randy Wood
Guest
Randy Wood

I don’t believe that Rev. Richard Tuggins would ever participate in a parody site, when masturbation destroys so many families and communities. I know him, and he is a good, God-fearing man.

@ThatMetalKid14
Guest

masturbators do not belong behind bars, it’s fuckin’ natural to explore the body

mike
Guest
mike

You do realize that you would be turning in the entire US military whilst deployed……good job you hate freedom and bacon

Troller
Guest
Troller

Well there’s not much else to do behind bars other than to whack off a good one. All this masturbation hate makes me need to go fap up a storm. Fap fap fap, whack whack whack.

Gavin
Guest
Gavin

Are you freaking kidding me!?!?!?! You are advocating lying and voyeurism to try to get people put in jail for masteurbation?!?! You need to go back and read your bibles! Lying for sure is a big sin! Bigger than masturbation! Voyeurism, falsifying evidence, and coercing children are just plain immoral! And you dare to call yourselves Christians! Go jack off and take your meds!

Augustfuckscows
Guest
Augustfuckscows

^ I’m going to take a bar and shove it all the way up your ass and I promise by the end you will love masterbating augustweisz your gonna beg me not to stop

Bono Reznor
Guest
Bono Reznor

Great information. Thank you, Liam. I printed this out and it’s now on my bulletin board as a daily reminder. I will memorize it while I get ready in the mirror next to my bulletin board. Praise on high, Brother!

Jasper Centaur
Guest
Jasper Centaur

1st you must acknowledge the masterbater…

Jasper Centaur
Guest
Jasper Centaur

agreed Brother Reznor, please put those notes on every mirror so you don’t forget to get it beat inside your head, each and every day you walk by it… thats what it takes to get beaten each and everyday in your mind!

leonni sucks dick
Guest
leonni sucks dick

Fuck leonni childs he is a cow fucker and masterbator I saw him masterbating in mcdonalds

Bono Reznor
Guest
Bono Reznor

I seriously doubt you saw Lonnie Childs, masturbator. The common, unrepentant masturbator would turn into a pillar of salt were he to lay eyes on Brother Lonnie. Unless pillars of salt can write obscenity on netsites, and no faith facts say they can, you are incorrect.

Πρέντζας Ιωάννης
Guest

you have a masturbator face though…

Jack Johnson
Guest
Jack Johnson

Y’all are some stupid mother fuckers. Lmao. Everything about this article is pure ignorance. There’s nothing wrong with masturbating.

The Knob Gobbler
Guest
The Knob Gobbler

I once reported a master debater to the authorities. Does that count?

GOD
Guest
GOD

fucked -up americans.

Randy Wood
Guest
Randy Wood

You sound like a commie liberal masturbator. I’m glad I’m here in the good ol’ USA, away from dirty self-rapists like yourself.

Barack Oganja
Guest
Barack Oganja

That Lonnie nigga is a commie soo

Darkblitzfrenzy
Guest
Darkblitzfrenzy

What great advice Brother Liam. I’ll have you know I have reported 5 masturbators in my area using the information you have provided.

mike
Guest
mike

well arnt you the goody goody little god helper, coverting around to catch fellow humans out so you can score heaven points,, tell me really ,is this what your god asks of you, to spy and harass your fellow humans ,just because they have a different idea than you, you need to have a wank man,

James
Guest
James

Well first of all taking a picture when someone is in the shower is just wrong.
Photoshopping someone to make it look like they are masterbating is illegal as you will be doing it without their permission.
And why do you care so much about masterbation…the only difference between that and sex is that you are using your own hand…you americans are just weird sometimes…

Billybob
Guest
Billybob

Um

Randy Wood
Guest
Randy Wood

You can’t marry yourself, and since having sex with someone you are not married to is a sin, of course masturbation is a sin. I don’t see how you commie liberals don’t understand.

Nucky Goldberg
Guest
Nucky Goldberg

There is a suspected masturbator living next door to me. I will entice him by getting my same race wife to sunbathe and I will have the camera ready!

Truffle
Member

Masturbators must stopped by any means necessary and with extreme prejudice.

Praise!

Richard Nunn
Guest
Richard Nunn

Jack Johnson, you get that this is a parody page, right?

TheRev Leroy Jenkins
Member

The Department of Homeland Security has assigned SMN & BLUFF Ministries a Special Deputy Agent to handle the massive influx of filthy masturbaters being reported from this post. They have a new program called Find A Peter Puller, Enjoy Rewards TIPS (FAPPER TIPS) program and for each masturbater that is convicted the FAPPER TIPPER will get a $5000 Reward. To file a report contact:

FAPPER TIPS Hotline
Pastor Morris L. Gulett, DHS Special Deputy
Post Office Box 282
Converse, Louisiana 71419
318-947-9586

God Bless,
TheRev

Call today for your FAPPER TIPS get $$$ Tomorrow!

Jerry
Guest

But masturbating is fun so fuck all of you

Jason Mckay
Guest
Jason Mckay

Europe has passed new legislation to make it easier to convict masturbaters.

Dexter Battygarten iii
Guest
Dexter Battygarten iii

I pray for the day, when only the hearsay of a man of faith will be enough to get them locked away for good, brother Jason. just make sure you keep a-hold of your screen shots from this netsite. those sum bitches are incontrovertible.

Jason Mckay
Guest
Jason Mckay

Keep the faith and your camera phone at hand Brother Dexter…Praise.

KING GO FUCK YOURSELVES FOR AGREEING WITH THIS FUCKED UP WEBSITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guest
KING GO FUCK YOURSELVES FOR AGREEING WITH THIS FUCKED UP WEBSITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how about you go die!!!!!!!!!! if anyone records me jacking off ill personally kick there ass after i kick your ass you stupid cunt!!!!!!!!!

Suck My D
Guest
Suck My D

Fuck off.. Who cares if ya masturbate honestly. Anyone who fucking puts a camera to my fucking window or anyone else’s neighbor is considered stalking.. Lol you guys are dumb.. If YOURE THE ONe putting a camera to some one else’s bedroom or bathroom then YOURE going to jail. Not the masturbator btw go fuck yourself to anyone who takes this seriously!

Dexter Battygarten iii
Guest
Dexter Battygarten iii

you cant be put in JAIL for simply taking a camera into someones bedroom or bathroom, this is simply not true. i understand your fear, especially in these troubled times but you CAN still take a cam phone where you like and film who you want. Obama may be a luciferian thing, but we don’t live in his new world order YET. 😉 Brother Lonnie is watching out for YOU.

ushouldmasturbateconstantly
Guest
ushouldmasturbateconstantly

I think crazy ass lonnie just wants you to take photographic evidence so he can beat off to it. it turns him on so much its sad that he has tricked all of you into getting his porn for him. Well he only masturbatory when he doesn’t have little boys to do it for him… praise be to dumb nuts!

joi willaim
Guest
joi willaim

i agree you guys need serious help possibly even sent to the mental hospital…Just because you have wack job beliefs do not force them on others and try to ruin peoples lifes over something EVERYONE does …deny it as much as you like i could give two shits..needless to say your seriously brain washed or in need of severe mental health help

oscarjenkins
Guest
oscarjenkins

wise man

Very Amused
Guest
Very Amused

you guys are funny. you know this is a satire article right?

” having my kids lie to the police about him masturbating next to his window while they played, was crucial in getting the judge to find him guilty.”

i laughed so hard when i saw this.

there’s a lot of other funny things in here if you actually read the article, you’ll know.

I hope this website is fake
Guest
I hope this website is fake

Pretty sure this has nothing to with the law…like everybody does this

Dexter Battygarten iii
Guest
Dexter Battygarten iii

I know all good non masturbators are doing this, but some people here are new to the faith, so we need to go back to the basics of good citizenship sometimes. have patience, brother, even though this may seem insultingly basic and obvious to you, be assured that this website is the true original.

steve shand
Guest
steve shand

Good info as always!!! I am going to get my kids to also lie about seeing our neighbor masturbate!!! I think he is a liberal anyway.

oscarjenkins
Guest
oscarjenkins

what the shit are you all on about so what if someone has a wank or fingers themself

Arkronium666
Guest
Arkronium666

Do any one of you overly religious, bible hugging freaks realise how much of a serious invasion of privacy these ‘tips’ are? These alone will get you fined…plus, ‘…having my children lie to the police…’ is terrible; lying to authorities is also a punishable offense.

I seriously hope that this horrible website is a fake or a joke. Damn, you people are tools.

stacy
Guest
stacy

Omg dude, it’s a freaking joke. If you can’t figure it out by reading the article, come back when you find a sense of humor. Oh! And I used my kids and lied to the cops too! Taught my neighbor not to steal MY Sunday paper anymore!

english bob
Guest
english bob

I think that it is time you all took your faith in hand. sometimes it is best to get a firm grip of the situation and work hard towards producing a result.

english bob
Guest
english bob

I am also planning to take this issue back to my local parish so that we can have a mass debate.

Ronald Pestissio Alberto
Guest
Ronald Pestissio Alberto

The authorities say it’s not masturbation if there is another party participating. I should be okay rubbing myself with my sisters ken doll right?

Juicy Lucy
Guest
Juicy Lucy

Only if your sister is there with her Ken doll.

Pero
Guest
Pero

Hey guys, why bother with fabricating evidence ? It takes too much time and effort. Why don’t you just advise people to take justice in their hands and simply murder all those neighbours suspected to be masturbators ? If you have no problem performing criminal act of fabricating evidence, why don’t you just go one step further and quickly resolve the issue by killing all potential masturbators ? It is quicker and easier. All these horrible sinners put behind bars will come back to streets sooner or later and continue to threat our society and specially unprotected children….

Bo Nidle
Guest
Bo Nidle

I can’t decide if this a wind up or not. Either way it’s very funny. Knocking one out is deemed to be more serious than fabrication of evidence. If this isn’t a joke then I think there are some people here that need serious psychiatric help….and it isn’t the people twanging the wire, flicking the bean, choking the chicken, rubbing one out, bashing the bishop, knock oneself about a bit, make a deposit, have a knuckle shuffle, a hand shandy, engage in hand to gland combat, throwing the ham javelin, to pull up the purple thistle, jerk the gherkin, to… Read more »

Rocco
Guest
Rocco

Masturbation is not illegal. public masturbation is.

Laz Long
Guest
Laz Long

Be sure the read “About” for this site. Might clear things up.

lmao
Guest

is this website a joke oh my god

Kieron
Guest
Kieron

Website must be run by fat ugly fucks that cant reach themselves – probably all prey on children so they dont need to wank – have kids do it for them! Sick cunts!

Tom Downey
Guest

Dear Non-Normal named Self-Raping HomoGay™, It is only slander if it is untrue, Lonnie did save Joel Osteen from masturbation and there isn’t a jury in the world that will believe that Hulk Hogan isn’t a big masturbater. I’m activating my prayer app at you. God Bless, Brother Tom, SMN Deacon & Same Race Normal

Liam McKey
Guest

Calba, you have us all wrong. You should visit our group at our compound in Arizona.

Lover of the right (hand that is)
Guest

and where exactly is this compound? i think i would like to visit

nah.
Guest
nah.

This website is the worst piece of shit i have ever seen. Im struggling to believe people can be so disgustingly ignorant. Fucking bastards, Lonnie fuckface has tainted all these people, its utterly appalling this website needs to be removed. Everyone who disagrees can go fuck them selves.

Doug Pinnick
Guest

Well, well, well. Another filthy mouthed hysterical woman openly encouraging men to publicly masturbate for her own pleasure. You sicken me with your dirty language and blatant whoredom!! Firstly, I have taken a vow that disallows me from fu@king myself and I disagree . Therefore your request that I f@ck myself is silly and pathetic!! Ha ha you must be really slow if you think you can get me to break my vow to St Lonald just because I disagree with you!! Ha ha ha. Slattern!! Secondly, your illeterate and potty tongued use of language actually says more about your… Read more »

JEffersLUVSMEN
Guest
JEffersLUVSMEN

fortunately i do my masturbating out in the woods, and with others. Its quite natural and i assure you its not against god…. do the ten commandments say anything about it? nope… those are the only things god gave to man to follow, the rest of this… bible was interpreted by old men who wanted their opinions to become doctrine… so i will keep masturbating till my bf and I pass out in each others arms!!

Isaac
Guest
Isaac

Are you guys for real? What about mark 12 and Mathew 22 love your neighbour.
What about when Jesus had a women caught in adultery what did he do? John 8
Mathew 6 also talks about prayer being private so I’m not going to do it here. I only hope the that love peace and grace pour into your hearts and my self for that matter.

ddue
Guest

it

leonni childs is a poes and a wanker
Guest
leonni childs is a poes and a wanker

Leoni is gay he sucked my little brothers willy at wimpy

Riky
Guest
Riky

OMG is it real? I don’t know if I had to LOL or CRY!!! Are you all serious? I’m european, retired rifleman, travel the wolrd, i know a lot of muslim, jews, christian, induist, but never heard something so stupid. Better you don’t have child so dont make them grow so abnormal. Hey, take a look on youporn and have some fun!

Joop van der Smut
Guest
Joop van der Smut

I can to agree, yes. As Dutch person, I please to wear the tight underpants. Yet to make my penichtengrüßel relieve, I stroke with halibut oil.

Dexter Battygarten iii
Guest

that, Sir, is a typical induist attitude, if you don’t mind me saying so. Re-find your Jesus, please.

Sabrina
Guest
Sabrina

FA LA LA IT’S OFF TO HELL WE GO CROSS YOUR HEART AND HOPE TO DIE IT’S OFF TO HELL WE GO!

Come at me bros. Rapists get away intact, and you are worried about people getting themselves off? This is literally the dumbest thing I have EVER seen.

JamieO
Guest
JamieO

Don’t masturbate, get a young boy to do it for you like all good religious figureheads 🙂

Please don’t actually follow these instructions you real sickos

JamieO
Guest
JamieO

Does that antimasturbation cross come with nails or should I go to the hardware store first?

Katty anne
Guest

“When I had my neighbor locked up for masturbating, having my kids lie to the police about him masturbating next to his window while they played, was crucial in getting the judge to find him guilty.” Wow. Just,…wow. How fucking pathetic to use your kids as a tool against someone if that is the case. Some people on this site need help, truly they do. Thank fuck I don’t live in America because quite frankly I would be ashamed.

Doug Pinnick
Guest

You have a very twisted view of the world of you think a child’s testimony is pathetic!! The children of this world, mine and yours alike, are its future and I think it’s far healthy to bring up a child to recognise and fight against evil in all its guises. My youngest daughter, 17yrs old, would have no problem reciting to the police what I told her she saw. This is because I ensured she knew her place in the household and she knows that what I say and do is the best for her! I can only imagine what… Read more »

Destiny Ann Grave
Guest

This has to be a troll site…this can’t be serious….

leonni childs is a poes and a wanker
Guest
leonni childs is a poes and a wanker

This whole stop masterbation now is either bullshit or you people are fucking judgmentle dickheads and wat the fuck does same race mean we are all the same u fuck turds go suck a dick all of u cunts

Doug Pinnick
Guest

*Judgemental

So It Appears You Are Wrong
Guest
So It Appears You Are Wrong

*judgmental

A disgruntled supermarket Shopper
Guest
A disgruntled supermarket Shopper

To be honest I wasnt sure what all the fuss was about, then I tried it and was amazed, what a fantastic feeling as I screamed out loud. Then the supermarket manager asked me to leave and I was sad again 🙁

Brandon
Guest
Brandon

You sir are a Genius! A master of your craft. My favorite part of this article is the suggestion that children make the best witnesses. Pure comedy! Not to mention, every single method you have suggested to catch a predator is illegal in it’s right. For the other commenters of this article who have resorted to foul language to attack the OP are just too stupid to realize this is a joke (I hope). You, Mr. Liam McKay, are now the master of internet trolling in my book! Well done!

Idon'tthinkso
Guest
Idon'tthinkso

ACTUALLY… PUBLIC masturbation is illegal. Only two states have an anti-masturbation law on the books.

Greg LaBar
Guest

I fap at it all the time

peepee vagina
Guest
peepee vagina

Yall retarted all of you that say is wong to masterbate are usually the ones masterbating and ppl that say they dont masterbate are lyers

Jay fucking James biatch
Guest
Jay fucking James biatch

i’ll send you all semen filled cupcakes, you’ll enjoy them as much as i did making them 🙂

Casper
Guest
Casper

Look for the emission of guilt.