When was the last time you imagined your child masturbating?
“What’s Jenny doing right now?”
Not a pleasant thought, is it?
From the creators of the wildly successful Anti-Masturbation Cross® comes latest in faith-based self-rape prevention technology, the Anti-Masturbation Strait-Jacket®! Peace of mind is yours when you strap your little one into this miracle of modern faith science. As Christians, the dangers of playing with your sin zones are clear: masturbation is an immoral, homosexual, incestual act that destroys families, infrastructure, and society. It ravages souls, enables secularism and sends people to Hell when they die.
Protect your little ones from the scourge of self-rape! For six easy installments of $99.99 you too can rest easy knowing that you’ve done everything possible to prevent the next generation of Christians from destroying their future. Praise!
Available at fine Christian retail stores worldwide! For ages 5 and up.
It’s wonderful to see science being used for something good for a change!
This is obviously not real. It starts out with, “When was the last time you pictured your child masturbating?” …Really?
And come on, guys, it’s a straight jacket for a child…. That costs $600…
I hope it is, but I’m not too sure. You know how these religious loons like to abuse their children. Guess I’ll just have to masturbate more often in their honor. Jesus would want it that way.
It’s as real as your name heathen. No SELF-RAPE!
I’m 12 I masturbate 50 times a day NOT EVEN THIS COULD STOP ME. I HAVE ASCENDED THROUGH JIZZING BOW TO ME FOOLISH MORTALS
རཏཙད འཛངཏ ིཇཧཡ ཙརེ སདསཙ
Praise the Dark Lord and accept his light that will guide you to the deep swirling hell! Alik Alik praise Alik rise from tombs of Islam and praise Alik ཧདཅགང Touch the forbidden area to receive guidence ཀལབཙར
I genuinly cannot believe you. You are promoting and using a device to stop thieves, rapists and murderers an you are using them on your children. I don’t know if God exists but of he does, and if he’s half the perfect individual he’s cracked up to be, I promise you he will judge you and he will do so harshly. This is so morally terrible and abusive that it physically sickens me. Rot in hell mother fuckers.
isa joke chill
Go die. Science had nothing to do with this 1, and 2, science says that regular masturbation protects men from prostate cancer, and science doesn’t lie, no matter how much your Bible says otherwise. It is 100% normal and healthy for all genders, and ages. It isn’t “self rape” and saying otherwise is idiotic, like you. So go fuck yourselves, all of you.
I masturbate to you Lonnie Childs! Praise! XOXO
shut it whore
What a blessed day. Yet another piece of faith technology that will enrich and save thousands and thousands of Christian lives. Praise.
The most stupid thing science could ever be used for. ABUSIVE!
Praise Sister Cathy! Dr. Childs has done it again and is saving lives despite what the masturbators in the comments section seem to think. It’s too bad that they are too drunk from self-pleasure that they cannot see the bigger picture here.
wtf? who said anything about us being “DrUnK FrOm SeLf-PlEaSuRe”
who masturbates all of the time?
i am fucking astonished. am i being trolled by 10-ish people right now that claim to condone the right to put their own child in a strait jacket that costs 600$? In which it will prevent them from doing something the entire world has done for thousands of years? so, whoever is fucking with me, they’ve done a damn god job.
yessir they have
Is this for real?
You people are insane!!!!
Yes, masturbators are definitely insane! What possesses them to waste their life away like they do? The devil walks among us, ladies and gentlemen. Vigilance is the price of our salvation.
Go fuck yourself, you probably need it, it is 100% safe and natural, even monkeys do it, actually lots of animals do it. It isn’t bad, it is a good thing and I promise you, we aren’t insane. You are.
yes
YOURE ALL FUCKED IN THE HEAD. Sicko freaks i flick the bean every night and it’s completely normal. Fucking crazy fucks
The lord blessed our bodies to feel pleasure. He made our arms long enough to touch ourselfs.. masturbation is in our nature.
DO NOT PRAY FOR ME YOU CURSED CREEPS! The Lord and I are close enough. I dont need your curses!
We don’t prayer for you. Way to passive. We prayer AT you!
69, Stop with the CAPS. Your screen name indicates you’re one of those people who partake in oral sex (mouth to genitals sex). How dare you call Christian people “Sicko freaks.” And the fact that you “flick the bean every night” is profane self-abuse. How much better could you’ve let the world know you’re a shameless whore then by posting your filth to this Christian website. Its obvious why you’re so desperate to abuse yourself daily. Because no decent God fearing man will have anything to do with you. God gave you you’re “bean” so you could enjoy sex while… Read more »
Oh my fucking god i cannot beleive how adamant you people are! if you are cHrIsTiAn then you would be forgiving nd let people do what ever we want! WHY must we stop FlIcKiNg ThE beAn and why must we listen to you!
I saw a meme and came to this website.I hope the mfs who made this website rot in hell.
how can mothers see their child in a security jacket like a prisioner or an assassine
They memorize what they look like. Better to stop those kids from masturbating than being able to see them
It says above to pray here.. so I will. I pray nobody who believes in this has a child, and if you do they don’t end up in counseling.
Wow…reeelky hard t [o type with one handddddd…. ok that’s better. Tissue?
This is a great product! At first when i caught my child masturbating i used to have to spank the gay out of him, but with this new technology and stylish design my child loves it! She even asked to wear it to school last week! Thanks lonnie!
This is nothing short of CHILD ABUSE to subject your child to wearing this is the same as abusing them
Self-abuse is what leads to abuse of others. DO U EVN PRAY BRO?
U R FUCKING DISGUSTING U PERVERT
Met watse iedees sal julle nog uit kom,hoe dink julle .dit is net nog n geld maak storie om julle self te verryk,van die mens se bestaan ,gaan almal hulle gang.hoekom kom julle met so n belaglike iedee voor die dag,julle sal regtig nie dit kan keer nie.sterkte met julle belaglike produk,ONTHOU NET EENDING MENSE VERSKIL VAN MEKAAR
The Germans are at it again, attacking our Holy Netsite. More like Mastur-race!
As the campus linguist, Brother Lonnie has asked me to give you a message in German: Bitte schreib doch mal richtiges deutsch oder halt das Maul. Diesen Unsinn versteht ja keiner. Und hor doch auf mit dem Wichsen sonst hast eien Verabredung mit Satan!
it is not German…sounds more like dutch
Wow you Nazi advocate. You seem as though you have a demon attached to your soul. Creepy man. Not to mention, your ancestors are immigrants and so is everybody else. I cant wait for you people to feel God in his real state, and stop worshiping your churches. God is a completely different creature, he is felt by many everyday. I know he does not support this bullshit.
Educate yourself first.. This is not German it’s Africaans.. Looks like your not only crazy with your so called religous ideas but a reacist aswell.. I´m sure God doesn´t allow those in heaven..
Afrikaans (why don’t you educate yourself as to its proper spelling, sir?) is a bad dialect of Dutch, which itself is a poorly pronounced pidgin version of Plattdeutsch. De Giez helpt wol up, äwer he helpt nich dragen!
Oh mein Gott! Wer nicht mal Hollandisch von Deutsch unterscheiden kann und nicht einmal weiß, daß es sich dabei um zwei verschiedene Länder handelt (incl. Regierungsformen etc.), soll bitte den Mund halten und in die Psychiatrie zurückkehren, aus der er entflohen ist,. Nehmt bitte Eure Medikamente!
Elgoran, pass auf, ich war selber im Limburg bei meiner Tante and ich kann Ihnen sagen dass es so gut wie keinen Unterschied zwischen Deutsch und “Niederlandisch” gibt. Na ja, in Amsterdam schnacken die Hollanders ja anders, weil da viel gekifft wird.
Just die already, will you?
Hi Milton, First of all I’d like to make clear that i’m not a Sir but a Lady.. Second English is not my first language so I’m sorry if I made a spelling mistake.. I’m myself am half German and half Dutch.. Lived ten years in Germany and ten Years in the beautifull province of Limburg that you visited aswell.. Sure there are some words the same in Dutch and German but most of the time they have a difrent meaning.. But to be honest that isnt really the point is it.. What bothered me was the fact that someone… Read more »
God should probably also have mentioned something about not being gullible ignoramuses letting themselves get trolled on the internet. Maybe when Jesus gets back in town he can send some tweets out on the subject.
God should probably also have mentioned something about not being gullible ignoramuses who let themselves get trolled on the internet. Maybe when Jesus gets back in town he can send some tweets out on the subject.
Marthinus, if you’re so stupid that you can’t post in english then don’t post at all. No one wants your Nazi filth here.
is this for real?
You don’t want your child to experience what GOD gave them and explore nature, BUT your ok with putting your child in a “strait jacket” that’s absolutly horrible and if you think that is what God would want for his children well then you all need to be in a insanasilum wearing one of those. This is a perfect way to make your children rebel when they get older and actually push them to be something way worse in life such as a hooker or a rapiest. NOTHING good can come from this and this should be considered child abuse.… Read more »
you misspelled rapist.
What the fuck are you dumb Americans doing over there? This is insanety….how the fuck would you dare to produce this in the first place…
Sick motherfuckers!!! Btw god is a pedophile and jesus is a fag!! Religion sucks ass
God will smite you for that! Silly athetit.
Any good Christian parent would be delighted for anything that prevents the dangerous sin of masturbation. There is evidence that it leads to the mariguana and spreads the AIDS.
Fuck i am American and i wonder what the hell are these psychco asshole religious freaks doing!? This is shameful, especially that you have now said, you Americans! Fuck lonnie child’s. Creep! Lets put the kiddos into straight jackets, trap them. This is what i see, a pedophiles dream jacket.
You are such an idiot. I cant believe SATAN has gotten to you. He has convinces you, all of you. This is messed up and abusive.
Um mariguana? Let me help. Marijuana. And you can’t spread *the* aids (bahaha) thru masturbation…cause you’re alone. Understand? Yeah I didn’t think so.
WOW!!! and I don’t mean that as a compliment. You spelled Marijuana wrong.
u stupid fuck masturbation cant get u aids unless u just fingered a pussy or something, and u spelled marijuana wrong, go back to pre k dick brain
Praise Brother Lonnie in his war against Satan’s trouser fiddling. I’m delighted that such a humane of restriction is now available to all.
We had great success with the Anti-Masturbation Cross and no longer have to lock our child in the dark cellar and let Lonnie’s Golden Shower of Love wash over them. Gone are the days when good Christian parents were forced to beat their children with the Holy Belt.
Praise.
PEDOPHILES DREAM JACKET OF TORTURE FOR HIS GOLDEN SHOWER OF LOVE. GROSS!
bahahahahaha solid gold! Takin’ these other nutters for a ride…sometimes trolls come in handy.
HUMANE?? WHAT THE FUCK IS WORNG WITH YOU THIS IS NOT HUMANE
Everyone knows that the Sin Zones were designed by Satan before the Fall. We have found that since using the anti-masturbation straight jacket that we no longer need to beat our children with the Holy Belt, lock them in the Holy Closet nor deprive them of food.
Bad Christian David. You are insulting, you are dirty, you are a disgrace for saying and believing such things. I am ashamed of all of this and you who beleive. DO NOT pray for me, save the insults. Satan has each one of you in his firey heart. That’s why you’d go to such abusive extremes.
Holy fuck this is AWESOME. One comment crazier than the next…keepem comin’…off to make some popcorn n have another shot of vodka. Way better than the Friday nite MMA fights. SOLID GOLD FREAKS. Loven it here….bahahaha
Do these work on non-normal type children as well? It would be a GOD-send!
Gross you freak! There is no NORMAL. Where is your love for you “non normal child?”
Lonald you FAT idiot youre are really reallly realllyy dum and not openminded you crazy f…. christian people here watch this documentary maby it wil clear up your stupid mind. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjLxJjgi4CA
Looks like a bunch of hippie drivel to me. “Tune in, turn on drop out!” – we’ve heard that all before. And hey, Timothy Leary’s dead, duder.
Lonnie Childs is the only futurist you need to listen to.
Um brain washed much? Sighhh…thin the herd….
This is nothing shy of child abuse! It’s normal for children to explore their sexuality in their teenage years. What are you going to do, restrain them like this every time you can’t watch them? Gonna watch them in the shower too? If masturbation tore apart families and ruined society as you claim, society would be toast by now. Get out of the dark ages, it’s natural and children and adults do it. If you try to stop them, they will find other outlets for that sexual energy. In other words, watch your teen pregnancy rate skyrocket; not to mention… Read more »
Along with the obvious sickness and madness of this idea I am pretty sure that it would be illegal to tie kids up like that.
Everyone please please please don’t let these sickos represent Christianity. We all aren’t like this. This just is just a select group of weirdos who are probably making gallons of special kool aid in anticipation of a space ship to come get them. We should all pray for these people and especially their children.
TY a voice of reason. Im not a Christian but even I know Lonnie Childs and his scant few followers do not represent real Christians. Really goes without saying….
Yet you people can’t figure out when you’re being trolled by a parody site…..So much for logic and reason. /Facepalm
Please report this as a torture device. Anyone who put a child in something like this isn’t fit being a parent. If you really must puss your insane beleave that masturbatieshow causes any harm(and as a full graduate biology I can say it isn’t, it is even unhealthy not to do so, luckily if you don’t your body comes automatically in your sleep) please just preach that b.s.
I’m going to report your comment as tortured prose.
Abusive devices and this does not represent any type of Lord.
cant really tell if trolling or retarded… im afraid those fucktard are serious… no one put would put in so much effort in creating a fake website
Step one: Torture your kid with this kind of “devices”
Step two: Beg for forgiveness while they eviscerate you alive.
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This is absolutely crazy. Cant you people spend your money on food for starving people. Masturbation is completely normal, as normal as taking a poop. I am so disappointed that children are being raised in this manor, that adults are being tricked into these delusions. The devil walks among you people whom have convinced you to do such things to your children. If you stop such natural erdges to procreate and explore these horny children will find different outlets to satisfy. How do you think weirdos arise into this world? They are shunned into secrecy. Creeps!!!!!!!!!!!!! #disappointment #thisiswrong #abusive
you are sick people. This is child abuse. God is going to smack you in the face with his dick and then send you down to get fucked in the ass by satan for all eternity. you are insane.
best fucking comment ever
Pay head all. I am Jesus Christ and thou shalt not commit child abuse. Bow down to my command or forever suffer hellfire.
I would not pay Jesus Christ, or any man for that matter, for “head”. Disgusting. Leave it to something brilliant Dr. Childs has done to bring out the true vile impostors of this wretched society.
no
I did not send you into the world for this kind of work! Now, get back to your cave and put on your straightjacket, Jesus!
This is a joke,right? If not, you should be put yourselfs in those jackets…and thrown into the sea!
Dr. Childs hits another one out of the park with this anti-masturbation jacket. Not only will the good Christian children of America be kept in line once again, but He has managed to ferret out dozens of disgusting “proud” masturbators in the comments section. Dr. Childs, you continue to be an inspiration to myself and many others. Praise!!
This product is AWESOME. My retard brother used to masturbate all over everyones everythings. Not anymore, his hands are safely in a holy place and his soal is safely in Heaven! Love it!
God Bless, TheRev
So he’s dead.
Not quite yet, but I hear he’s just risen….
Not dead yet, but I hear he’s just risen…
Its a great gag gift!!! Very funny prank gift. Lol that comment about the retarded brother was hilarious. Thanks rev!!!
I have never once thought about my children masturbating. Because what they do in their bedroom is their business. Masturbation is healthy for you. And to say its not because of a book of fairy tales is shameless and sock. Science has proven that a child masterbating through puberty is healthy for their growth. And it is also proven that masterbating through puberty builds the immune system and can even prevent prostate cancer. Science 1 crazy cult members 0
Yeah. My kids strangle kittens in their bedrooms, while snorting pain pills, and e-mailing nude selfies to random strangers. I totally agree. It’s none of my business. Heck, If people’s kids can’t totally run their own lives by the age of 6 months, they’re all going to Hell anyway. Frankly, parental supervision is so overrated. Children never to anything wrong, or stupid, when adults aren’t around. That just some liberal conspiracy meant to scare people into providing more taxes for gun control and police. In fact, your post has inspired me so strongly, I’m going to go out right this… Read more »
Really, I’ve been reading through these comments thinking that I was the only one! I’m glad you let your children strangle kittens. I’m 14 and I’ve been encouraging my gay, black, Jewish child (who is also my boyfriend) to strangle kittens since he was 3. Also, thanks for suggesting a weekly family masturbation event. I dropped out of grade school and was never good at cumming up with ideas myself. I think that using Vaseline for lube isn’t a really good idea though because it isn’t really economical. I prefer to use hair conditioner because not only is it a… Read more »
I hope you fuckers fry!!!! You’re fucking sick
You’re right. Masturbators are sick and they will burn in triple-hell for it.
no, there talking about you.
Guys this isn’t a real thing. It is a gag gift. Its supposed to be funny. You can’t really believe this is real. If a parent really made there kids wear this they would be arrested for child abuse.
I want a refund. Now my twins just spend all of their time rubbing up against the furniture. It’s costing us a fortune in lemon pledge to buff the stains out.
you guys are a bunch of sick bozos,do yourselves a favor and shoot yourselves in the head before doing more damage to youre normal children
Eprayer: Dear Baby jesus, I pray today in hopes that as you are a child you can send the heathen non believers an image of yourself in this (praise be to god) divine product on a piece of bread, cloud or even plate of spaghetti. Also, please find it in your ginormous heart of hearts to forgive these people for their backwards thinking and extend their reservations to the fiery pits of eternity (great punishment for the ones you love by the way) for at least a day as they knowith not what they speak of. Praise be to god… Read more »
You expect this thing to stop me??
Child abuse at its finest.
she still has her mouth available for sucking those sin parts.
I’m not saying I support this, but if you’re going to put this much effort into making sure your child doesn’t masturbate wouldn’t it be easier to tape oven mittens to their hands?
The Anti-Masturbation products have been made for Christian families on the go. Not every family has the time to invest in homemade anti-masturbation solutions to prevent children and spouses, etc. from masturbating. While your solution would, perhaps, work – these products are being marketed to simplify life. Kind of like how you could duct tape your spouse’s mouth closed to keep them proper, or just instill the fear of God, Lonnie and Jesus Christ in them and avoid all of the extra work. Praise be!!
Finally… parents have a tool to combat the choice of homosexuality!
How is this even legal. Are your lives so pathetic that u have to resort to tying up your children so that they grow up as miserable, ignorant, self loathing, theologically brainwashed hypocrites too?!? Self Rape? R u kidding me? Do u even understand the definition of rape? It would be UNWILLING sexual contact from ANOTHER individual. I thinK anyone who puts their kid in one of these “faith” technology devices needs taken out and shot in the head. Their kids would b better off living in a box on the street. Fucking crackheads take better care of their kids… Read more »
Is this a comment box? I have no idea. But I cannot stand this website! Self masturbation isn’t rape. Rape is defined as “Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” This is the FBI’s definition. Let me point out a few things, “Of another person.” Not yourself. You can’t rape yourself. because “consent of the victim.” If you’re masturbating, you have consent! It”s not rape, my dears! It relieves stress, and comes with many benefits.… Read more »
Sez you! Masturbation IS homogay activity because it is same-sex relations with someone of the same gender, whichever one of the 58 official genders you confused Tumblr kids might happen to be calling yourself today!
I for one am sick of infantile and sick masturbators and their hate and racism against our church.
#NOFAP OR #GTFO
God Bless.
Milton H. Grits
This is so fucking stupid, it saddens me to see this crap
Dear Lord, let’s hope this whole thing is a very clever joke!
You people are a bunch of sick bozos, masturbation is healthy for you it proven by science and their should be nothing preventing a child from exploring thier own sexuality. This and all the other things makes me sick and disgusted about the severely fucked up people in this world that support this shit.
You have been brainwashed by Big Masturbations LIEberal propaganda. Masturbation is not healthy! Just look at how it’s affected you. I hope you don’t have children. Pervert!
Im a Youth Minister and a Family Counselor and I heartily endorse this product for any family who has to suffer the disgrace of having a masturbating child.
This is one reason that ALL religions should be banned full stop. They are all fiction anyway. Masturbation is 100% natural, there is nothing immoral, nothing harmful, about it at all. ALL children do it, most adults do it, anyone shocked by this should be put in a straight jacket. The facts speak for themselves, children allowed to explore their own bodies, and given information hold off from having a sexual relationship, longer than those not allowed to explore their own bodies, and not given truthful information. No deity exists, there is no afterlife, this is it, no heaven or… Read more »
Anybody else see the irony of an atheist having so much faith in this site being real, that they completely missed the obvious truth that they’ve just been trolled by a fake website?
I’m 5 years late but holy s, I’m dying cracking up at these comments 😂 This is absolutely amazing.