Morals / Science / Weather / World

The Environmental Impact of Masturbation

 

It’s common knowledge that masturbation turns ordinary people into criminals and perfectly healthy people into Stephen Hawking. But what about our planet? Is the Earth feeling the sting of masturbation?

 

Your average masturbator burns between 50 to 150 calories with every masturbation session, depending on factors such as: height, weight, gender, race, sexual orientation, and political affiliation. The calories used for masturbation increases with every repeated masturbation episode. To put that into perspective, a whole potato or a hotdog has around 150 calories. An apple has 90. An egg, 78.

 

Assuming that every human on earth (7 billion) masturbated during the same day, the caloric consumption on that day would be 700 billion calories*. That works out to 105,000 cows, 2,100,000 pigs or 7,000,000 chickens, that masturbators are consuming, just to punch their ticket to triple hell, on a single day. Compounding this crisis are those who masturbate numerous times a day.

 

A common myth is that everyone masturbates. Assuming that this lie (perpetuated by Big Masturbation) is true, the human race is needlessly consuming an enormous amount of calories and therefore: food. If the masturbators are vegans, they are consuming entire fields of crops and meat-eating masturbators are consuming entire herds of livestock, which in-turn, are fed with numerous fields of agricultural feed. The earth’s supply of: Fresh water and suitable farmland are being stretched to their limits from needless masturbation. This is something that the big masturbation companies do not want you to know.

 

Instead of being part of the problem, become part of the solution!  STOP Masturbation NOW and help save the planet. Together, we can stop deforestation, end world hunger, end animal abuse and eradicate the bad AIDS. Your God, and your Mother Earth will thank you.

 

 

*average number of calories burned between 50 & 150 is 100. 100×7,000,000,000 = 700,000,000,000.

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Darkblitzfrenzy
Darkblitzfrenzy
6 years ago

So wait, if masturbation burns calories, and masturbating multiple times a day burns even more calories, then that means we can turn masturbation into a new weight loss program for fat people! Looks like you are doing the world some good after all SMN.

myspace tom
myspace tom
3 years ago

this guy needs to jerk it and stop spewing crazy nonsense

Liam McKey
6 years ago

Calorie consumption causes weight gain, not weight loss.

Darkblitzfrenzy
Darkblitzfrenzy
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

But you say that the average masturbator burns 50 to 150 with every wank. And since we all know that fat people can go months without eating, we can turn masturbation into a weight loss program for the overweight.

SimonPeter@thetwelveapostles.heaven
SimonPeter@thetwelveapostles.heaven
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

‘Mr. McKey is an expert on teenage masturbation addiction’ – I believe it takes one to know one, or a closet pedophile… I will pray for you… in Jesus’ name, Amen.

nedclark
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

…but wouldn’t we all have forearms like Popeye..?

bytepaw
bytepaw
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

Swing and a miss..

Liam McKey
6 years ago

Overweight people don’t get where they are by abstaining from food and exercising.

Master Bater
Master Bater
5 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

This whole comment thread makes me want to masturbate.

Truffle
6 years ago

This beautiful flat Earth needs to be saved before it’s too late and there’s nothing left to pass onto our normal race, non-ginger offspring.

Person26
Person26
6 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

Whats wrong with ginger people?

Jake
Jake
6 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

Yeah bitch what’s wrong with gingers?

Truffle
6 years ago
Reply to  Jake

That’s no way to speak to Person26, Jake! Did your parents drag you up with no manners? HEATHEN!

Gary Johnson
Gary Johnson
6 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

you still havent explained what is wrong with ginger people…btw you were supposed to be the bitch for your prejudical rubbish thinking, not the person26

Anita Dick
Anita Dick
3 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

if i masturbate then it wont be the end of the fucking world
also theyre trying their best to make you believe this shit good effort guys

Grim reaper
Grim reaper
6 years ago
Reply to  Jake

Steal her/his soul yall do it! Whatever it is won’t be able to go to heaven without a soul

Darts409
Darts409
5 years ago
Reply to  Jake

Whats wrong with gingers!!!!
Dear sir, It is a well known scientific fact that gingers are the SS of satans army.

Legalize_gay_marijuana
Legalize_gay_marijuana
5 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

Cough cough- retard -cough

Hoxton
Hoxton
6 years ago

We’ll I’m gonna go jerk off and then eat a whole herd of cows

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Hoxton

It’s people like you who are killing this planet!

Abi
Abi
3 months ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

You know that cows cause more build up in the atmosphere than cars, right?

Hoxton
Hoxton
6 years ago

I bet Paul loved touching on them kids you people are like nazis and racist at most, you are the ones lieing and it’s medically proven it helps protect against testicular cancer.

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Hoxton

Hoxton, you make no sense. Please speak American.

The chronic masturbator
The chronic masturbator
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN LOLOLOL

Hoxton
Hoxton
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

You know Liam mckey I think you are a great person and thank you for fighting for this country but all of this is complete shit and y’all are cultists, do you even like black people or how about Asians?

Hoxton
Hoxton
6 years ago
Reply to  Hoxton

Even my life partner john agrees with me that you all are fuckin insane

Abi
Abi
3 months ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

“let me get this straight. You are too stupid to figure out which gender to have sex with? Not only that, but you found another fella who can’t figure it out either?” Oh Liam, I’ve figured it out. I’m supposed to have sex with women. They are hot and I am also a woman. Suck my gay friend’s dick.

Hoxton
Hoxton
6 years ago
Reply to  Hoxton

Why is it a problem at all if I am homo sexual?

Hoxton
Hoxton
6 years ago
Reply to  Hoxton

And if masturbation is such a big deal and an awful sin why can we do it?

Dexter Battygarten iii
Dexter Battygarten iii
6 years ago
Reply to  Hoxton

well better go ask God why he gave us free will at all, brother John, if we didn’t have to make choices.

Firehobbit
Firehobbit
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

You speak American? Sounds like English to me .

Goat
Goat
6 years ago
Reply to  Firehobbit

No way! You can hear what he wrote? You must be either a prophet, or is there some kind of witchcraft going on? Better keep an eye or two on this one.

Scott
Scott
6 years ago
Reply to  Hoxton

Prostate* not testicular.

pasta pasteur
pasta pasteur
6 years ago

fap fap fap,fap fap fap,boom

The chronic masturbator
The chronic masturbator
6 years ago

literally, i just can’t even, has anyone that runs the site actually graduated fucking kindergarten?

logic matters
logic matters
6 years ago

Kindergarten was probably the highest level of accredited education they’ve completed.

The chronic masturbator
The chronic masturbator
6 years ago
Reply to  logic matters

haha true

Bishop Smith
Bishop Smith
6 years ago
Reply to  logic matters

Kindergarten is likely when you started fingering yourself. Looks like your right and left hand have caused you to sin again!

logic matters
logic matters
6 years ago
Reply to  Bishop Smith

Oh no, a crazy person is trying to insult me. What ever shall I do.
Lol, if you think your lack of education is going to have any affect on me, you’re more full of yourself than you realize. Have fun being an idiot =). You people are so amusing.

Legalize_gay_marijuana
Legalize_gay_marijuana
5 years ago
Reply to  Bishop Smith

Christians like you are psychos.

The chronic masturbator
The chronic masturbator
6 years ago

I can’t even bring myself to try and make sense of the unintelligent,fucktarded statements on this site.

Truffle
6 years ago

That’s because you are a chronic masturbator, ma’am.

i eat doughnuts and go nuts stroking my nuts
i eat doughnuts and go nuts stroking my nuts
6 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

I hear you rape cats instead of masturbating… I mean technically it’s a “pussy” but it’s still beastiality. Shame on you all raping animals just because they can’t speak go masturbate you sick freaks

dexterbattygarteniii
6 years ago

The link between masturbation and extreme beastiality. the evidence continues to mount. Does Lonnie have a faith-secure explanation for this?

Goat
Goat
6 years ago

Well the obvious explanation is that (i eat doughnuts and go nuts stroking my nuts) clearly linked the picture of the cat with their own sexual practices and then defended it by calling the cat a “pussy” and then told us that they do it because the animal won’t speak. I think the sick freak comment they made was a boomerang, and what is with all the nuts, should I warn the squirrel community too?

logic matters
logic matters
6 years ago

One of the MANY flaws in your “findings” is your assumption that every time someone masterbates, they will always consume the calories they burned. This is simply not the case. You don’t have any evidence to suggest that someone masterbating 100 calories will then eat an extra 100 calories worth of food/resources. They could eat the same 3 meals a day which isn’t affected by their sexual activities. Logic isn’t your strong point. Your ideas would never hold any weight under true science and logical discovery. That’s why these articles are limited to the group of nonsense shared by you… Read more »

dbuntoj
dbuntoj
6 years ago

Please, PLEASE tell me this is a joke.

Bishop Smith
Bishop Smith
6 years ago
Reply to  dbuntoj

I’ll tell you the truth about self-rape if its a sin you struggle with. Holy help is on the way! Praise Lonnie Childs!!

logic matters
logic matters
6 years ago
Reply to  Bishop Smith

Lol, “self-rape”. Do you people just make up words in an attempt to make your idiocy sound better? Do you even know the definition of rape? Because it doesn’t appear you do. Those who have really been raped would be insulted by your attempt to redefine the term.

Imasturbate3timesadayandimpround
Imasturbate3timesadayandimpround
6 years ago
Reply to  Bishop Smith

If you masturbate, you are doing it yourself! thats not selfrape

The Knob Gobbler
The Knob Gobbler
6 years ago

What’s the calorie count if a man masturbates and then eats the splooge?

I'm just here to voice my opinion
I'm just here to voice my opinion
6 years ago

It’s because of people like this that we have suicides and murders. Your religion is supposed to be all about “love” and “acceptance” yet you shun those who are different. It’s all a huge contradiction. You all are retarded as fuck if you believe a fairy in the sky determines every aspect of your life. Just live your life the way YOU want it to be and be happy, stop judging others for things that make them happy.

Dexter Battygarten iii
Dexter Battygarten iii
6 years ago

Amen. I too am disgusted by the irresponsibility of masturbators, maam. in this place, you are not alone. 🙂 welcome home.

logic matters
logic matters
6 years ago

What irresponsibility? I’m willing to bet the people responsible for building the computer you’re using, the house you live in, the smart phone you use to call your loved ones, the ones finding cures for diseases, and many other man made marvels, have masterbated. If you hate them so much, don’t use the everyday things that those people have made for your comfort. You people are so stupid you don’t even realize the hypocrisy you’re living with.

dexterbattygarteniii
6 years ago
Reply to  logic matters

I use my keyboard for Gods work and He has wiped it clean.

PS Thomas Edison didn’t masturbate. so you might want to go and check on the others you were talking of. 😉 Bless

Smater Than U
Smater Than U
3 years ago

Thomas Edison Electrocuted Live Animals

Saucisse
Saucisse
6 years ago

Je viole des enfants de 6 ans merci

kurukuru
kurukuru
6 years ago

“Political affiliation”? Okay. So, how many calories would I burn if I support Greenpeace?

THIS IS HILAIRE
THIS IS HILAIRE
6 years ago

Kurukuru what do you know? Please educate yourself. I bet you are one of these self-rapists

I AM GOD. GOD HAS SPOKEN.
I AM GOD. GOD HAS SPOKEN.
6 years ago

F.A.O. This is Hilaire: The clitoris is the only human organ with the sole function of pleasure. I put it there for a reason. Thank me anytime. 😉

Dexter Battygarten iii
Dexter Battygarten iii
6 years ago

Masturbation is a form of female Genital mutilation and no laughing matter Mr so- called God. for shame.

Adam Steidl
Adam Steidl
6 years ago

I jerked off this morning and I liked it.

Firehobbit
Firehobbit
6 years ago
Reply to  Adam Steidl

Hope you had an extra big breakfast to make up for it.

THIS IS HILAIRE
THIS IS HILAIRE
6 years ago

FAO God – what about the penis? You talk shit

I AM GOD. GOD HAS SPOKEN.
I AM GOD. GOD HAS SPOKEN.
6 years ago

F.A.O. This is Hilaire: The penis is more complex. It stiffens, it flops, it passes urine. Did you ever attend a biology class? I created human beings so that they could attend such things.

MasterBaiter
MasterBaiter
6 years ago

How many calories do I burn if I use a vibrator?

astounded_australian
astounded_australian
6 years ago

This is by far the funniest site I have come across. If only I were a boy so I could literally cum across it… Just wow, Obviously the USA’s education system is failing a fair few citizens. The anti-masturbation activists on this site that take themselves seriously are honestly the dumbest humans I have ever had the displeasure of getting to know through their written opinions. & that is all they are, Opinions. You have no proof of a God & no scientific proof that masturbation is bad. No proof of Hell or Heaven. All you have is a book… Read more »

Bishop Smith
Bishop Smith
6 years ago

I’m your sister and embarrassed. Stop sinning with your right and left hands! Praise Lonnie Childs!!

sceincebitch
sceincebitch
6 years ago

male self relief burns around 250 cal per hour, lets say a standard of 10 min for a “session” that would be 25 not 100…. world population of just over 7 billion, remove the to young and the to old, call it 5 billion, remove those that have a partner to do so, call it 3 billion “possibles” the recommended calorie intake for a day is 2000 the average reported for an American is 2640 a day, and we know that people will lie about what that eat so that is most likely even higher, now we take in to… Read more »

motherfucker
motherfucker
6 years ago

well, gatta go burn them calories.. excuse me while I go and slap my meat-stick for awhile.

hahaha
hahaha
6 years ago

this entire website has to be a joke lol. this place is good for a laugh

WHATDAFUR!!
WHATDAFUR!!
6 years ago

genius people XD maybe they never ever ever ever ever masturbated in they’re entire existence.. poor things

Jess
Jess
6 years ago

I hope this is a joke. I must be. Otherwise the people who write this, and the others who believe it are ridiculous human beings. Masturbation is a normal human thing that is completely natural, demonising it is not only wrong but has a completely negative on kids growing up. Do what you want to do. Masturbating is brill.

Iama notagonsay
Iama notagonsay
6 years ago

Haha this is some very funny posting. I assume this site is a satire site there for I feel a little better about where the world is going. But if someone out there really made this in the belief the masterbation is wrong I ask you this, in the bible they fuck there brothers and sisters because no one else is on earth. so what’s really what’s a little pocket pool?

augustweisz
Admin
6 years ago

Masturbators hate the planet.

Legalize_gay_marijuana
Legalize_gay_marijuana
5 years ago
Reply to  augustweisz

You are a dumbass…please shut up.

Smarter Than U
Smarter Than U
3 years ago
Reply to  augustweisz

This cult hates correct scientific fact

Scott
Scott
6 years ago

Liam McKay. I am not religious but even I know Jesus said there will be people that shall take up other perspectives of sexuality. I am not homosexual either but who the flying fuck do you think you are to call that other gay Guy “to stupid to figure out which gender to have sex with.” More like you’re to stupid to figure out this world is full of people that are attracted to differant things and fetishes. Take your holier than thou attitude and go fuck yourself!! And “It is community knowledge masturbation turns normal people into criminals, and… Read more »

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Scott

I will pray at you, in hopes that you will be able to walk again and that your masturbation rage subsides.

Jason Mckay
Jason Mckay
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

instead of this man using his I.Q of 2654 to solve world hunger or cure cancer he comes on this Holy Netsite and harangues our most cherished brethren…for shame.

Smarter Than U
Smarter Than U
3 years ago
Reply to  Jason Mckay

an IQ of 2654 is neurologically impossible, the protein found in many of your neurons (FOXp2) that controls perception would have to make massive evolutionary changes to accommodate such intelligence.

ShellyRichey
6 years ago
Reply to  Scott

Jesus said “people that shall take up other perspectives of sexuality?” You’ve lost your mind to masturbation, and you may be too far gone to heal. Jesus said no such thing, and you should stop immediately with this false doctrine.

Dexter Battygarten iii
Dexter Battygarten iii
6 years ago
Reply to  ShellyRichey

Ms scott may get many things wrong, but at least she understands that sLIEnce’s famous Stephen Hawkings IS a criminal mastermind. Many masturbators trust him like he were faith family!

Smarter Than U
Smarter Than U
3 years ago

*you misspelled science*

FlyingSpaceDicks
FlyingSpaceDicks
6 years ago

I’m not quite sure if this is a joke or not but whatever it is I am honestly screencapping it and posting it on all my feeds. This is quite possible the funniest shit I have ever read.

Fucklonniesfamily
Fucklonniesfamily
6 years ago

Brother Lonnie Childs rapes cats with his greasy dumpster cock this self proclaimed faggot also will fuck your family dog he then got tired of land beats and took his pim

Milton Grits
6 years ago

Isn’t it nice that they let crazy people use the Internet? SAID NO ONE EVER.

Fuckmiltonsmotherintheass
Fuckmiltonsmotherintheass
6 years ago
Reply to  Milton Grits

Aye sheep fucker your prophet is a fucking retard 3ft tall brown man who’s dumbass got lost for 40 fucking years it’s no wonder ya all inbred cunts

Dexter Battygarten iii
Dexter Battygarten iii
6 years ago

Lonnie Childs is not a tall brown man. haven’t you seen his picture? at least have the kindness to take the effort to have the common civility to create informed blasphemous insults…Ha!…and you call us inbred.smh

Smarter Than U
Smarter Than U
3 years ago
Reply to  Milton Grits

Then maybe you should stop using the internet

Fucklonnie cont.
Fucklonnie cont.
6 years ago

Ple size cock he couldn’t please the dolphins so the watery mammal took its love and made him the coolest aqua man ever

Jack Johnson
Jack Johnson
6 years ago

Anybody down for a circle jerk later?

Jack-off-Jenson
Jack-off-Jenson
3 years ago
Reply to  Jack Johnson

Sure, lets show these fuckers how a real hardcore ballslapping sweaty circle jerk is done

John Ainslie
6 years ago

God touches me at night, but always in the right places – so I have no need to masturbate. Thanks for the helping hand God !

Gax
Gax
6 years ago

Okay, now I’m 100% sure this is fake cuz this post is BULLSHIT

Honestly
Honestly
6 years ago

Liam, you clearly found marijuana after you left the armed forces. You have to be clinically insane if you didn’t.

Gary Johnson
Gary Johnson
6 years ago
Reply to  Honestly

that is not what weed does…get your shit sorted…If he smoked weed he would be filling his 100th sock by now…

Lmao at this site
Lmao at this site
6 years ago

This has to be a joke. It HAS to be. You people can’t possibly be serious.

hahawhat
hahawhat
6 years ago

wow! golly gee! I used to think exercise was good but now i realize how horrible it is on the environment! I work my butt off at the gym burning sometimes over 1000 calories a session! I am obviously a terrible person, almost as bad as the obese, who consume these extra calories without doing any activities. ohhh make sure all of you speak quietly to yourselves to make all these horrible, horrible problems better!

Jennifer Nash Livingston

This is the funniest shit Ive ever read.. so are you telling me that if I buy a vibrator I will lose weight?? That is stupendously fantastic!

Catherine Yvonne
6 years ago

this is freaking hilarious! 😀

Michael
Michael
6 years ago

So, if I masturbate I become extremely intelligent? YEAH!

Jimmy
Jimmy
5 years ago

Thanks for the laughs everyone. Please excuse me while I go and rub one out and giggle myself to sleep thinking about all the funny stuff posted here!

Legalize_gay_marijuana
Legalize_gay_marijuana
5 years ago

Are you people fucking retards?

the sheep about to get lost
the sheep about to get lost
5 years ago

This leaves one important question unanswered:
If I’m expected not to rape myself, who am I supposed to rape instead?

Athena
Athena
4 years ago

Does this mean that anorexic people can masturbate? Since the only bad thing seems to be eating because of it.

Masturbater
Masturbater
4 years ago

So your saying burning calories is bad…? You are what I like to call a fucking idiot.

Smarter Than U
Smarter Than U
3 years ago

The rate at which calories are consumed cannot by any means surmount the population of livestock because. Because animals proliferate at a faster rate than we could possibly consume them.

Also Masturbation is a fundamental human instinct.Testosterone is a steroid hormone from the androgen group and is found in humans and other vertebrates, it LITERALLY controls the urge to masturbate by provoking proteins in your testicular sac to produce semen.

PS. maybe, before you lie you should at least make the scientific error a little less evident

you don't care about my name anyway
you don't care about my name anyway
3 years ago

stop doing sports then, because in average you burn about 400 calories in 1 hour of intense activity. you need around 2000 KILO calories (kilo means x 1000 which means 2000 000 calories) every day. don’t forget that you loose naturally about 120W of heat from your body (1W = 1J/s Watt is a unit for power, and Joule is a unit for Energy, calorie is commonly used in thermodynamics for historic reasons), which means 120J every second (1 Cal = 4.18J). It means you loose 5184 000 J every day, so 1240 1914 cal (every day too), just because… Read more »

coc
coc
3 years ago

I honestly can’t tell if this website is a joke or not. If this is really a site. I think I’ve lost all hope in humanity. All I can say is masturbation not bad. And if your religious beliefs go against that, than fine, don’t do it. But don’t put unintelligent articles on the internet. Your making yourself look like an idiot. And Liam McKey you are bat shit crazy.