Articles by: Cassidy Pen

Self-Celibacy in History: Dunkirk

Self-Celibacy in History: Dunkirk

History books are most certainly slanted by the forces of Big Masturbation. In modern times, it’s a literal crime that our precious youth must be forced to incorporate horrible inaccuracies and filth interjected from the pages of their history books onto their faces. It is because of this that the […]

by March 6, 2017 14 comments History
SMN Ministries Announces Boycott and Protest of Masturbation Movie “A Cure For Wellness”

SMN Ministries Announces Boycott and Protest of Masturbation Movie “A Cure For Wellness”

“And when the LORD saw it, he abhorred them, because of the provoking of his sons, and of his daughters.” — Deut 32.19 In an expected move, SMN Ministries has announced its intention to protest the newest release from Regency Enterprises. A Cure for Wellness is Hollywood’s newest Big Masturbation […]

by February 8, 2017 11 comments Big Masturbation, Moral Outrage, Morals
Trump to Impose Masturbation Ban

Trump to Impose Masturbation Ban

President Trump confirms he is about to authorize a “ban” on masturbators migration, new restrictions on entry from countries with a history of masturbation. “It’s countries that have tremendous self-rape,” Trump told SMN News in his first Skype interview as president. “And it’s countries that people are going to cum […]

by February 5, 2017 8 comments Politics
Family Unknowingly Sleeps in Hotel with Remnants of Self-Rape in Drawer

Family Unknowingly Sleeps in Hotel with Remnants of Self-Rape in Drawer

TEXARKANA – Bad room service was the least of the worries a family of four were forced to deal with after a semen stained rag was found stuffed into a Gideon’s Bible in the drawer of their room. The Texarkana Times reports the parents had noticed a foul smell in […]

by November 23, 2016 3 comments Family Values
B.L.U.F.F. Male Masturbation Detection

B.L.U.F.F. Male Masturbation Detection

SMN -My dear friends in Christ through the Lonaldian Way. As you are well aware, the fight against the sin of self rape is an ongoing process, one that is never finished. The holy bible, being the most important reference on the topic of morality, contains certain instructions and responsibilities […]

by November 21, 2016 14 comments B.L.U.F.F.
Saints Cut Seed Spiller C.J. Spiller

Saints Cut Seed Spiller C.J. Spiller

NEW ORLEANS, LA — “No hard feelings” is how C.J. Spiller sums up his time with the New Orleans Saints. In an concerted effort to both improve their moral image and save money at the same time, the team has cut ties with the running back on Monday. C.J. (which […]

by September 14, 2016 1 comment Sports
BREAKING: Obama Just Released 61 Masturbators BACK ON THE STREETS!

BREAKING: Obama Just Released 61 Masturbators BACK ON THE STREETS!

President Barack Obama has always has been soft on hardened  self-rape crime. His opposition to self-celibacy and his attitude toward the shameful hands-to-genitalia crime have made America less safe. Today, we see just how immoral and dangerous Obama is during his final year in the White House. He just abused […]

by September 6, 2016 12 comments Moral Outrage
R.I.P. Gene Wilder

R.I.P. Gene Wilder

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by August 31, 2016 8 comments Celebrity
A Young Girl’s Dilemma – Ask Cassidy

A Young Girl’s Dilemma – Ask Cassidy

Dear, Cassidy. I’m a 14 year-old girl attending Hickory Woods Middle School in Clydesdale, IL. There’s a creepy boy named Marty Swanson who wears baggy pants, a collar shirt, and has dirty beady eyes. He’s always slurping, wiping at his face, and making strange intestinal sounds in school. In my […]

by August 24, 2016 18 comments Family Values
The Pridemore Family, during happier times.

Youth Caught Self Raping

When Dana Pridemore of Evanston, IL climbed the stairs of her family’s two-story suburban home to  retire for the evening, all she had on her mind was her Harper’s Magazine and a few segments of the Tonight Show before turning in. She visited her daughter Sarah, who at the tender […]

by June 23, 2016 64 comments B.L.U.F.F., Family Values
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