Family Values

Family Unknowingly Sleeps in Hotel with Remnants of Self-Rape in Drawer

TEXARKANA – Bad room service was the least of the worries a family of four were forced to deal with after a semen stained rag was found stuffed into a Gideon’s Bible in the drawer of their room.

The Texarkana Times reports the parents had noticed a foul smell in their room at the Hotel Benavidez in Texarkana.

The family, whose name will not be revealed, returned from a functioning lunch when the maternal parent discovered a faint almond odor when entering the room in front of her husband and two grade-school aged sons.

The smell, as they unfortunately discovered, was a semen encrusted tissue paper crumbled and crammed between pages of the complimentary Gideon’s Bible which was still in the top dresser drawer.

After complaints to the hotel staff, they entered the room and also noticed the marinating stench. The seed-soiled bible was carefully place in a zipper locking plastic bag and given to authorities.

Forensic tests revealed that the masturbation catcher had been allowed to stew for up to four days before the shocking discovery. The permeated paper substance, by that time, emanated a putrid smell that caused nausea and vomiting among the family.

Obviously distraught,  the family was calmed and given a full refund along with vouchers for another stay at their place of business. It is undetermined at this time whether the family will make use of the vouchers. The two boys were so emotionally overcome by the experience that all they could do was look at each other and shake while making odd snickering noises.

According to the forensics, the dried seed was from a non-normal male between the ages of 25 and 45. Several hotel employees match those descriptions and many of the staff refuse to have DNA samples taken, fearing reprisals for such reasons as undocumented status or arrest warrants.

Add sodomy and child endangerment to the list of charges one of the men could face. Authorities are in the process of obtaining search warrants to gather DNA evidence to identify the criminal.

A hotel spokesperson confirmed that several people had checked in and slept in the room with the sodomized bible marinating in the dresser. It is believed that the perpetrator was interrupted while finishing a self-rape session and quickly discarded the evidence in the good book.

The Gideon Group has no comment on the horrifying discovery nor will they express verbally their emotional state when told the appalling news.

Please link to SMN for updates on this and other hard hitting news affecting the world of self celibacy.

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7 years ago

This website is satire right ?

7 years ago
Reply to  Jewbaby


7 years ago

are you sure they weren’t just farting?