Articles by: Cassidy Pen

Masturbation Warning: Dear Abby

Masturbation Warning: Dear Abby

Jeanne Phillips, who writes the “Dear Abby” column, has come out as a self-rapist and proponent of the Satanic lifestyle as pushed on society by agents of Big Masturbation. In her latest column, Ms. Phillips comforted a despondent, guilt riddled masturbator, Her advice included the statement, “…masturbation is normal. It […]

Pioneers of Self-Celibacy: Diogo Dias Cortérro

Pioneers of Self-Celibacy: Diogo Dias Cortérro

Diogo Dias Cortérro (1460-1525) A Spirited man of a rock-solid Christian foundation, Diogo Dias Cortérro was much more than an explorer during the Age of European Expansion. Cortérro was born in Vigo, Spain to a devout couple within the moral confines of wedlock (1460). His early years were spent in […]

by July 20, 2015 1 comment History
Chevy Chase Arrested for Aggravated Felching

Chevy Chase Arrested for Aggravated Felching

BEDFORD NY-Veteran actor/comedian Chevy Chase, 71, has been arrested and charged with aggravated felching by Bedford Police after allegedly getting down on his knees and forcing an oral purge of his juices from an unidentified fornication partner. According to a statement released by the Westchester County sheriff’s office, Chase, whose […]

by July 14, 2015 5 comments Celebrity
Study: Masturbation Residues found on 99.7% of Discarded iPhones

Study: Masturbation Residues found on 99.7% of Discarded iPhones

B.L.U.F.F. SAFFORD AZ – Mobile phones and devices have become an increasing fixture in American life during the last decade or two. It seems that a person can go nowhere without finding citizens fiddling away with their noses in a cellular phone or tablet electronic device. Pastors and Ministers have […]

by June 26, 2015 3 comments B.L.U.F.F.
New Zealand, the World’s Self Rape Hell

New Zealand, the World’s Self Rape Hell

New Zealand is a volcanic mass in the middle of the sea lying east of the Island nation of Austria. It has been proven that the earthquake and natural disasters which formed New Zealand were the point from which devils burst through the earth in the demonic ascension, one of […]

by June 20, 2015 15 comments Foreigners
SMN Self Rape Alert: Mad Max Fury Road

SMN Self Rape Alert: Mad Max Fury Road

SMN Safford, AZ-As kids flock to the latest Hollywood Blockbuster, Mad Max-Fury Road, a disturbing parental alert has been issued by the Faith Advisory Parental Media Information and Liturgical Foundation (FAPMILF), the anti-masturbation in media arm of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.). Various hidden pro masturbation messages have […]

by May 20, 2015 11 comments Big Masturbation, Press Release
Masturbation: Offensive Across All Seven Deadly Sins

Masturbation: Offensive Across All Seven Deadly Sins

Safford, AZ – For years, the Stop Masturbation Now! Ministries has warned of and demonstrated the evils of Masturbation. The absolute harm done when one inflicts self rape activity on his or her soul when finger dancing the skin flute or spelunking the sin cave is incontrovertible, but still, agents […]

Masturbation Residues Discovered on Royals Stadium Hot Dogs

Masturbation Residues Discovered on Royals Stadium Hot Dogs

BREAKING MASTURBATION NEWS!!! KANSAS CITY MO – League officials and Representatives of the Jackson County Board of Health are investigating claims that high concentrations of masturbation particulates were found on hot dogs sold by the Kauffman Stadium concession. Arrowmark Industries denies the charges that extensive amounts of semen microbes and […]

by April 22, 2015 4 comments Lifestyle, Sports
Willie Nelson Death Hoax

Willie Nelson Death Hoax

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by April 13, 2015 3 comments Celebrity
Pioneers of Self-Celibacy: Ty Cobb

Pioneers of Self-Celibacy: Ty Cobb

<STOP MASTURBATION NOW!> Born December 18, 1886 in Rural Georgia only one generation after the war between the states, Tyrus Raymond “Ty” Cobb became one of baseball’s greatest players and a pioneer in the struggle against masturbation. Cobb is credited with setting over 90 baseball records with a hard nosed […]

by March 25, 2015 3 comments Sports
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