Politics

Trump to Impose Masturbation Ban

President Trump confirms he is about to authorize a “ban” on masturbators migration, new restrictions on entry from countries with a history of masturbation.

“It’s countries that have tremendous self-rape,” Trump told SMN News in his first Skype interview as president. “And it’s countries that people are going to cum and cause us tremendous problems.”

After a weekend conference with SMN Chairman, Lonald Childs, the Trump team is poised to suspend refugee and visa programs as applied to many self-rape countries, including masturbation-torn Australia, with details still being determined.

White House spokesman Sean Spicer said there is no set date for issuance of new rules because the “nature of them has not been decided yet.”

Critics of the imminent orders said masturbation is not a crime and they have no idea of what Trump is talking about.

Jack Molinaise, president of the Hands Crotch Alliance, called it a “de facto” ban on masturbators.

“President Trump is poised to trample upon the great melting-pot legacy with this stiff new stance,” Molinaise said. The Hands Crotch Alliance is part of Big Masturbation’s “#YesMasturbation” coalition.

Trump told SMN News his target is the Self-rape State and other extreme depraved sexual groups: “You’re looking at people that cum in many places with evil intentions. I don’t want that.”

Some people could get in, Trump suggested, but only after what he called “extreme SMN vetting.”

“We’re going to have extreme SMN vetting in all cases,” he told ABC. “And I mean extreme.”

Read more in the SMN Print Edition.

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Fuck you
Fuck you
4 years ago

Wow that such a bad job at photoshop

No, Fuck YOU
No, Fuck YOU
3 years ago
Reply to  Fuck you

That’s the point, dummy.

Joonas de Boonas
Joonas de Boonas
4 years ago

If people still don’t get that this is a satirical website after reading this article, I feel sorry for them.

asdf
asdf
3 years ago

You must be fun at parties.

Fat
Fat
3 years ago

Do you have something against Australia or something? prove to me that us blokes are masturbation-torn.

Nicholas Fulford
3 years ago

Wankers for Jesus has a long and extended tradition of gathering in circles to celebrate communion with the seedier members. We toss ourselves – on the mercy of the Lord – and our ejaculations shall be shouted from the rooftops. “We came, we saw, and we came again” is our holy utterance and motto. Join us for our annual Easter circle jerk. Since we substituted it for communion, we hear more “Oh God” utterances from the congregation than ever. Our youth outreach is unparalleled in church history with millions attending to worship with our hands and members extending a warm… Read more »

Bigkkm
Bigkkm
3 years ago

Seedier members.
I”m dying here.

MetroTek
MetroTek
3 years ago

Have we considered scientifically proven benefits of masturbation?