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Always urinate as if someone is watching

The SMN Guide to Male Urination

One of the biggest questions that we get here at STOP Masturbation NOW is, “How can I urinate without becoming a sinner?” Rest assured, good man!  There are a number of ways to urinate and still be in good-shape come time for the Rapture. Before we get into the actual […]

by February 16, 2016 9 comments Uncategorized
Rain in Washington D.C. Thought To Be God’s Tears Following Landmark Decision To Allow Gay Marriage

Rain in Washington D.C. Thought To Be God’s Tears Following Landmark Decision To Allow Gay Marriage

SMNNN (WASHINGTON D.C.) Weather.com reports rain and thunderstorms in the Washington D.C. today, following the landmark decision by the Supreme Court to recognize gay homosex marriage and queerosexual unions, and to disobey the Lord and his holy wishes, ultimately ushering in the Rapture, signifying the beginning of the end of […]

Top Five Cultures To Go Extinct From Masturbation

Top Five Cultures To Go Extinct From Masturbation

HISTORY-SMNNN Throughout the 8,400 years man and the entire world has existed, many nations rose from self-sin, and shamed creation, and rightfully so, became extinct. Here is a list of the top five cultures of people to extinct from masturbation: 5) SOME CHINESERS China, largest nation in the Ornament, is […]

by May 20, 2015 10 comments History, Supernatural Disaster, Uncategorized
Ronda Rousey is no Mike Tyson

Ronda Rousey is no Mike Tyson

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Lately there have been a lot of camparisons drawn between Ronda Rousey and Mike Tyson. Ronda Rousey is the current  UFC Women’s Bantamweight Champion where she is an undefeated 11-o. She wins most of her wins by submission and most fights have been finished within minutes.  Mike Tyson had a […]

by April 10, 2015 7 comments Sports, Uncategorized
Is Your Wife, Daughter, or Gay Son Masturbating With Household Items?

Is Your Wife, Daughter, or Gay Son Masturbating With Household Items?

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Masturbation in a home can be a most dangerous thing. Besides the obvious physical dangers you are also inviting Satan to live with you. Well fathers, you need to be on the lookout, wives daughters and the gays are self-raping with household items. As items such as hair curlers, baby […]

In-Depth Interview with Big Masturbation

In-Depth Interview with Big Masturbation

SECRET LOCATION- SOMEWHERE (SMNNN) We at Stop Masturbation Now are pleased to present this interview with an actual high-ranking official of Big Masturbation. Our own Professor Doctor Wizard Cardinal Thomas Kelly interviewed this “person” about the goals of the B.M movement. Thomas Kelly: Hello, welcome. Would you care to explain […]

Shia Labeouf Self-Raped at Art Exhibit

Shia Labeouf Self-Raped at Art Exhibit

Los Angelos, CA- (SMNN) Actor Shia Labeouf, known for movies such as Even Stevens and Transformings 4: Rise of The Batman, told pretty much anyone who would listen, that he was a victim of self-rape at an art exhibition. During the exhibition, Labeouf wore a paper bag on his head […]

Ferguson united in a fireworks celebration.

Masturbators Destroy Ferguson

In the aftermath of the Grand Jury decision to let Officer Darren Wilson avoid charges in the death of Michael Brown, I believe that TRUE JUSTICE was delivered. White Police should never go to trial over killing a violent tribal kid. Just look at Trayvon Martin. That violent negro tried […]

by November 25, 2014 24 comments Celebrity, Uncategorized
Attempt to Cremate 500lb Masturbator Burns Down Crematorium

Attempt to Cremate 500lb Masturbator Burns Down Crematorium

HENRICO-VA (SMNNN) Alfonzo (last name withheld) died last week of masturbatory semen toxemia, a horrible condition caused by years of shameless and compulsive self-rape, which causes it’s victims to inflate with excess semen due to an over-stimulated sin-center in the masturbatory cortex. Alfonzo suffered from this disease for weeks until […]

The Natural Order of the Household

The Natural Order of the Household

Here you will find the new Faith Inspiring poster posted in every classroom on BLUFF campus. This is to remind the student of their place in the world, and their roles as adults and required by Elephatitans 5:1-12: Elephantitans 5:1-12 1 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, and unto […]

by September 28, 2014 15 comments Uncategorized
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