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Attempt to Cremate 500lb Masturbator Burns Down Crematorium

HENRICO-VA (SMNNN)

Alfonzo (last name withheld) died last week of masturbatory semen toxemia, a horrible condition caused by years of shameless and compulsive self-rape, which causes it’s victims to inflate with excess semen due to an over-stimulated sin-center in the masturbatory cortex. Alfonzo suffered from this disease for weeks until he died on September 30, 2014.

In accordance with the (name withheld) family, who are devote Branch Lonvidians, Alfonzo was set to be cremated, as his shameful medical condition rendered him unpure, and unfit to enter the Virginia Lonnistian Mega-Temple in Exeter, VA. Unfortunately the massive corpse of Alfonzo, which weighed in excess of 500 lbs, proved too much for the crematorium to handle, setting the building aflame.
VA fire

” The fire burned white-hot, and 700′ flames could be seen all the way in Watertown, CT.” Said Henrico Fire-chief “Gumpy” Schlomo. ” This whale must have gone up like a Matchlight-log. The roof of the place was on fire, and it was made of ceramic bricks. ”

The fire burned the building to the ground. It is believed that the immense amount of semen in Alfonzo’s corpse accelerated the fire to horrible levels.
VA fire 3

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Jay Goldberg
6 years ago

Praise You Thomas Kelly! Your astute grasp of weights and measures truly shows you to be a Chosen Normal!

Thomas Kelly
Thomas Kelly
6 years ago
Reply to  Jay Goldberg

Aw shucks! Thank you and praise!

LanceHardwoodFAPFAPFAP
LanceHardwoodFAPFAPFAP
6 years ago
Reply to  Thomas Kelly

You look like a fucking paedophile…

This site is so fucked up

lol wtf is this site masturbation is healthy im lolling so hard on this site wtf

Truffle
6 years ago

Self-rape is not healthy and your poor grammar proves this!

Luis
Luis
6 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

Actualy it is a very healthy process it seems that some people are horribly uneducated or at least misinformed and masturbating does not make you dumb. I am a Christian myself and I understand these concepts it seems that you are just a very close minded person, who is grossly misinformed please do some research, and it is not self rape if you are doing this to yourself you are doing it consensually in most cases. You along with all writers of this website really should do some LEGITIMATE research.

Luis
Luis
6 years ago
Reply to  Luis

Also, “Semen toxemia” along with many other, dare it say “retarded” words that you writers add in are merely made up.

Satan
Satan
6 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

And idiotic arrogance proves you belief is wrong as well

LanceHardwoodFAPFAPFAP
LanceHardwoodFAPFAPFAP
6 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

OMG i bet you let your granny fuck you with a strap-on!

Truffle
6 years ago

Lance, you are a HomoGay™ . That is all.

E.G.
E.G.
6 years ago

Ooooooooh, I thought it was a 500 pound masturbator, like an object.