Attempt to Cremate 500lb Masturbator Burns Down Crematorium

HENRICO-VA (SMNNN)

Alfonzo (last name withheld) died last week of masturbatory semen toxemia, a horrible condition caused by years of shameless and compulsive self-rape, which causes it’s victims to inflate with excess semen due to an over-stimulated sin-center in the masturbatory cortex. Alfonzo suffered from this disease for weeks until he died on September 30, 2014.

In accordance with the (name withheld) family, who are devote Branch Lonvidians, Alfonzo was set to be cremated, as his shameful medical condition rendered him unpure, and unfit to enter the Virginia Lonnistian Mega-Temple in Exeter, VA. Unfortunately the massive corpse of Alfonzo, which weighed in excess of 500 lbs, proved too much for the crematorium to handle, setting the building aflame.

” The fire burned white-hot, and 700′ flames could be seen all the way in Watertown, CT.” Said Henrico Fire-chief “Gumpy” Schlomo. ” This whale must have gone up like a Matchlight-log. The roof of the place was on fire, and it was made of ceramic bricks. ”

The fire burned the building to the ground. It is believed that the immense amount of semen in Alfonzo’s corpse accelerated the fire to horrible levels.