Tom Cruise to Star as Lonnie in Upcoming Film “Passion of Childs”

After many years of following the false faith of Scientology, the A-list actor has shocked Hollywood by proposing his candidacy for the lead role in the upcoming film “The Passion of Childs”. Directed by a brilliant mind of Myron Danus, the movie details the early years of modern day prophet and the spiritual genius behind Stop Masturbation Now movement – Doctor Lonald “Lonnie” Childs.

“It would be an honor and a privilege to portrait my hero and savior,” Tom told Nikita Shalavin. “Masturbation has destroyed my personal life by causing me to divorce the only woman I ever loved, and that other woman I married to make the first one jealous. It almost ruined my career.”

In preparing for the most important role of his life, the hunky actor has switched to a diet of White Castle burgers and cat milk to gain the 73 lb he needs to play Lonnie. He has also agreed to go through a controversial Homogay Conversion therapy, to make sure that he tests negative for the Gay before the filming begins.

“Masturbation is a huge problem in Hollywood,” Tom admitted. “Once it made you gay, all you’re doing is having rough unprotected anal with complete strangers. It’s a miracle that I didn’t catch prostate cancer in some dirty bathroom stall. If this film can help kids realize the dangers of self-rape and stop before it’s too late, my sinful life was not in vain. I’m very grateful to Brother Lonnie for giving me this amazing opportunity. And Nicole… well she can just suck my balls ….[laughs]”

All of us here at BLUFF are thrilled to see Tom in good spirits and on a path of righteousness. We wish him all the very best in his upcoming audition.

– Nikita Shalavin
Cultural Attaché and Homogay Converter at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts – BLUFF