Foreigners

Masturbation Is the Pits – How Many More Innocents Must Suffer?

"Did I do that?"

In Britain it is not illegal to self-rape while operating a motor vehicle.

Tragedy struck the village of Leeds, West Yorkshire this week, when a masturbating father was too busy pleasuring himself with the base gratification of self-rape to notice that his daughter, a toddler, had walked behind his reversing car – a judgement lapse that was to prove fatal! Why does it always seem to be the innocents who are made to suffer at the hands of unrepentant masturbators? Angel Pitts should have had her whole life ahead of her – birthdays, school camps, Bible College, being assigned a SRAS to cherish and obey – but instead she lays dead at the end of a driveway because Britain’s anti-masturbation laws are a joke, and her father, Scott Pitts, was too busy giving himself an Atheist handshake to pay due attention to his surroundings.

‘Great’ Britain has long been a hive of Atheists who have sought to water-down morality laws and the family unit in order to accommodate their own lewd nocturnal activities. Naturally, the rejection of God has led to the massive liberalisation of masturbation laws on the benighted isle, all in the name of progressivism and bolstered by the magical thinking of the Atheism and ScLIEnce religions. It is actually a small wonder that more infants have not perished in the lead-up to these tragic events.

Angel’s mother, Megin Pitts, revealed today that her daughter’s service will be held on Thursday the 26th of June at Cottingley Cemetery according to Leeds Atheist tradition, by throwing empty beer cans into the open casket until they have collected enough to ferry her spirit into the next world of Atheist Hell. Megin wishes attendees to  know that guests are to suit-up in Disney fancy dress, as is befitting of a shindig, and that this is a strictly ‘bring your own keg’ event. Meanwhile, America has much to learn from the spiritual decline of liberal Britain, and what this has meant for the livelihood of young people living there. A dangerous President like Barrack Hussein Obama could lead us down the path to Big Masturbation yet…

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thodder94
8 years ago

It’s sites like this that are so full of shit that make me angry. “‘Great’ Britain has long been a hive of Atheists who have sought to water-down morality laws and the family unit in order to accommodate their own lewd nocturnal activities” I’m pretty sure Christians have a pretty fucked up idea of a moral high ground. I think many of you hard core believers have broke several laws from the bible “Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. Because they have cursed their father or mother, their blood will be on their… Read more »

Philip
8 years ago
Reply to  Julian Taylor

I

5318008
5318008
8 years ago
Reply to  Julian Taylor

1) “ou seem to be quite ignorant about [our] beliefs”
2) “In fact Catholics may as well be Satanists as far as we are concerned.”

Is there anything to add? This site is so funny.

A Warrior of Archangel Michael
A Warrior of Archangel Michael
8 years ago
Reply to  5318008

Julian…you are a special kind of stupid, aren’t you? You say that us Catholicsmight as well be Satanists, yet you follow that up with stating you believe and folloe the Bible. Who the fuck do you think created the Bible? Your whackjob cult leader? No. Surprise, surprise, it was Catholics, along with a couple other denominations, at the Council of Nicea in 325AD. Now doesn’t that just chap your ass and make look like the hypocrite you are? LOL

So do you have to be clinically insane to be a follower of a cult like you’re a member of?

nope2
nope2
8 years ago
Reply to  Julian Taylor

i’m just thinking about one thing. How not believing in your god, makes people perverts. I’m seriously wondering about it.

The Dagda
The Dagda
8 years ago

You have stated, “In England it is not illegal to self-rape while operating a motor vehicle”. Actually, it is highly illegal to masturbate* while driving a motor vehicle; the offender would be charged with “Driving without due care and attention”. This could lead to a fine of up to £5000 and a driving ban. I ask myself, if you are wrong about such a fundamental issue such as this, what else could you be wrong about? *I won’t use the term “self-rape”, as the definition of rape is: “Unlawful sexual intercourse (by force) with another person without that person’s consent”.… Read more »

nope2
nope2
8 years ago
Reply to  Julian Taylor

well. I think word “force” is used to describe that victim does not agree with it, so rape breaks her/his right for free will. This makes your answer pretty… stupid, regardless of your view at this topic.

lotsofhandlotion
lotsofhandlotion
8 years ago
Reply to  Julian Taylor

So by that definition wouldn’t self-rape be your hand beating you off without your consent? My hand knew I wanted it. My mouth said no but my eyes said yes.

pete
pete
8 years ago
Reply to  Julian Taylor

I’m sorry but you are clearly preaching out of your ass here! Please learn the proper definitions of words in the English language before you correct others, it’s simple there are dictionaries online. By force means against someone’s will or without consent. Henceforth while they are asleep or drunk then it is also by force. Self rape is impossible unless during possession by a daemon which as I thoroughly repute the existence of God is also impossible!

John Wayne
John Wayne
8 years ago

This is so God damn funny “Atheist handshake” you silly Christians crack my shit up! Please don’t stop what you’re doing! Lol

gmk
gmk
8 years ago

God, i just discovered this website, and im laughing my ass off, seriously, it’s fucking hilarious, keep up the work dude.

helitra
helitra
8 years ago

Ooooh, how many fanatics in the name of god.
Self rape??? WTF?
Thanks god (yeah, i say GOD) that they are and always be minority and thus without power to do any real preaching to wide audience.

Fucking idiots
Fucking idiots
8 years ago

I know right, its obviouse that the people on this site just make shit up as they go along.

Milord Brockhurst
Milord Brockhurst
8 years ago

I have to disagree with your correspondent, Mr The Dagda. There is no law in the UK specifically banning masturbation while driving, although he is correct that one may be prosecuted for ‘Driving without due care and attention’. Personally, I always drive with care and attention, especially when masturbating. I enjoy both activities immensely, and pulling off a skilful manouvre while pulling oneself off doubles the pleasure of each – resulting in fourfold ecstasy.

I am not a catholic, but I do like football (i.e. soccer). I am also an admirer of the metric system. Please pray for me.

A Warrior of Archangel Michael
A Warrior of Archangel Michael
8 years ago

Julian…you are a special kind of stupid, aren’t you? You say that us Catholicsmight as well be Satanists, yet you follow that up with stating you believe and folloe the Bible. Who the fuck do you think created the Bible? Your whackjob cult leader? No. Surprise, surprise, it was Catholics, along with a couple other denominations, at the Council of Nicea in 325AD. Now doesn’t that just chap your ass and make look like the hypocrite you are? LOL

So do you have to be clinically insane to be a follower of a cult like you’re a member of?

masterbate everyday
masterbate everyday
8 years ago

how is it “self rape”? Rape means sex against one person, forcing another person into sexual activities against their consent. But when someone masturbates, they obviously consent to it.

masterbate everyday
masterbate everyday
8 years ago

im going to masturbate after i write this

Builder
Builder
8 years ago

Couple of questions, can you please explain to me the source for you accusation against this man? And can you please tell me where the picture that accompanies this story is from please?

don'tbeaasshat
don'tbeaasshat
8 years ago

How In the hell did you people get masturbation from his sad story. Look up angel Pitts on Google. Seriously it’s sad and people were really sad. No where does it say he was masturbating. I fairly sure this website is a troll so just putting it out there to anyone getting butt hurt, they are probably trolls so just leave this ignorant site.

religiousjerker
religiousjerker
8 years ago

Village of Leeds? Self rape?
This website is chuffing hilarious.
Hahaha

Fuck off
Fuck off
8 years ago

Leeds is a city, not a village. I dumb, ignorant, toss pots

Tesa Hayashi
8 years ago

Oy………………………..

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8 years ago

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