Masturbation Increase Corelates With Cancer Increase

B.L.U.F.F AGRIBUSINESS- NEVADA (SMNNN)

Cancer has long been thought to be caused by masturbation.

Recent surveys and polls taken by B.L.U.F.F students show the recent increase of sin-caused cancers, to be directly related to the dramatic rise in masturbation rates since 2002, when the survey began.

Masturbation rates have always been historically linked to the rise and fall of civilizations and cultures, and had long been thought be directly related to organic conditions, such as crop failures and lunacy. The new study released by B.L.U.F.F Agribusiness and GMO Development shows a huge rise in both new incidents of sin-based cancer, such as bowel and genitalia cancers, and frequency of masturbation.

Masturbation levels in some parts of the world, such as Japan in the Ornament, may exceed 9000. America’s perversity seems to be rather tame, at a mere 457, but it has been steadily rising since 2002, when it was a mere 5.

Japaneses know no shame!

Both countries have seen ridonkulous rises in sin-based cancers, some being totally new to “science”, but none the less, contrived of pure sin, and are  in the process of being validated by James Lamb, Chief Gay Analyst and prominent ladder owner, head of the validation program. Mr Lamb states:

“The Professor Doctor Wizard will not be fielding any questions today, Suffice to say, validation is a long and complex process. The Professor Doctor Wizard says he requires much, much more cash, perhaps as much as 2000lbs more, before any conclusive results are even attempted to be made. No one gets in to see the wizard! Not nobody, not no how! ”

Surely one would think masturbators would have the decency to take some responsibilty for their actions, sadly, this is not the case, as international masturbation festival of Satanists, The Gathering of the Juggalos, is still going ahead, threatening youths of all sorts.

Still going to Hell.

Says Chadwick Nonormell, noted non-Normal cantankerous coot, and resident of B.L.U.F.F. Arizona:

” Dis is messed up. Y’all’s messed up. Oh damn dey chilrens and dem masturbators! Damn cancer! ”

To what end does this lead mankind? ” Predictions show a 247% infection rate of contagious sin-based, masturbation-related cancers by 2025 at the latest. ” Says Dr Ritcher of B.L.U.F.F Infectious Faith-Based and Sin-Based Disease center. ” This is the beginning of the beginning of the beginning of the end. ”

Take the Pledge! Don’t doom us to double-cancer! Praise!