FITZROY CROSSING, AUSTRALIA — (SMNNN) A group of children loyal to the growing “Stop Masturbation Now, Australia!” movement took over a radio station in Fitzroy Crossing last week. The gang of children, aged 6 to 11, who refer to themselves as “Childs Youth” in a nod to our savior, Lonnie Childs, swarmed the building that housed the radio station late Thursday night.
The hyper-intelligent children had previously cased the radio station by taking lessons from the station manager, Angela Crabtree, and learned all that they needed to know to get the station live. Crabtree added, “Once we were taken over and they took off their horrifying masks, I immediately recongized them from the classes I taught a few weeks earlier. Once they explained their ultimate intentions for the station and wore me down over the next 52 hours with passages from the King Lonald Holy Bible, I was completely on board with their agenda.”
The children also had cased Crabtree’s living quarters which were attached to the radio station. They gained entrance by going through Crabtree’s unprotected backdoor and then raiding Crabtree’s stash of bottled cat milk and Communion wafers. It was also reported from sources that they ate some chicken fingers. After sating their hunger, the Childs Youth gang found the adjoining door to the radio station and burst in, easily overpowering Crabtree and her board operator; the only two people in the building at the time.
“I was quite angry as they stopped my 24 hour Air Supply marathon only four hours in and started ranting about masturbation and it’s dangers”, said Mrs. Crabtree. “However, after several of them force fed me their faith facts I slowly began to realize the importance of their message.”
As the station was privately owned by Crabtree, the entire surrounding area has been fortified by the Stop Masturbation Now, Australia! members and an application has been submitted to alter the license issued to the station. Once approved, the Stop Masturbation Now, Australia! movement will have an effective new campound in the Kimberely region.
“I’m pretty excited,” added Crabtree. “I went from having a boring life playing soft rock to a bunch of heathens to helping these great young minds help spread the word of a modern day prophet. Praise!”
The new Stop Maturbation Now, Australia! controlled radio station is broadcasting at Radio 936 AM to those within range of Fitzroy Crossing.
Cathy Redmond, reporting for StopMasturbationNow.org.