Self-Celibacy in History: Dunkirk

PART OF THE CONTINUING SMN MINISTRIES SERIES OF ACCURATE SOCIAL STUDIES CELIBACY ACTION NETWORK (ASSCAN)

History books are most certainly slanted by the forces of Big Masturbation. In modern times, it’s a literal crime that our precious youth must be forced to incorporate horrible inaccuracies and filth interjected from the pages of their history books onto their faces. It is because of this that the SMN Ministries has begun a series of revisions to these fables to correct inaccuracies using historically based FaithFacts™.

The period after the fall of Poland and before the Nazi Blitzkreeg of France and the other non-normal European low countries is known as the phony war. It was during this time that the inexperienced and defeatist troops of the allied command succumbed to a non-combat malaise characterized by laziness and masturbation. Instead of digging trenches and performing military preparation exercises, the allies garrisoned behind their lines in private and spent their days fondling their privates.

And it wasn’t just the Privates that were doing so. All the way up the rank ladder from buck recruit to the general’s staff, the strategy was not one of aggression against the enemy, but one of a circular containment jerk.

Suddenly, the Nazi attack confused the bewildered and unprepared allies. After dropping their organs and grabbing their socks, they found themselves cornered on the beaches of Dunkirk, Europe.

Nazi loofah wafflers bombed the defenseless allies as they starved and lost almost all hope. For reasons that historians to this day argue, the Nazis did not launch a ground offensive. This was one of the turning points of the war.

If it wasn’t for the quick-thinking seamen of the self-celibate command of allies, who consisted of quick response heroes, the whole of the European continent would have been lost and America would have stood alone against the Huns.

It was with the courageous actions of royal naval and civilian commanders, following the “boot-in-the-ass” approach of Sir Winston Churchill, over a million allied troops were evacuated to Great Britain to fight again another day. That day came hard when the allies, with the leadership the normalized troops of the United States, launched streams of amphibious forces onto the beaches of Normandy during Operation Overlord, better known as D-Day.

The eventual fall of the Third Reich would not have happened without the self-celibate heroism of the Dunkirk operation…more proof that a masturbation-free lifestyle is required for earthly achievement and Heavenly redemption.

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Cassidy Pen
About Cassidy Pen 80 Articles
Cornelius Bartholomew “Cassidy” Pen, a retired US Marine, Actor, and Security Head-Receiver at B.L.U.F.F. Female Intake, now writes for a number of nationally respected news agencies. A winner of the prestigious Bill O'Reily "No-Spin" Award, Cassidy also runs a daytime street ministry to save souls from the sin of self rape. An avid hunter and manufacturer of distilled spirits, Cassidy would probably be found deep in the woods during his free time.
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6 Comments on Self-Celibacy in History: Dunkirk

  1. Holy ball-fondling Jesus! This is the most retarded thing I've seen. In the words of the Virgin Mary, come again?

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  2. You spelled Blitzkrieg and Luftwaffe wrong. Also I'm quite sure masturbation never played any significant role in ww2

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