Dear Lonnie – “How Do I Know If My Toddler is Gay?”

Every once in a while, a wholesome reader will send a message to us here at SMN.ORG to ask a personal question, or to ask for honest advice in a particularly troubling situation. In this case, a housewife from Virginia writes –

“Dear Lonnie,

I am a little embarrassed to ask this, to be honest. I am the mother of four children – one of them that has been

Very HomoGay.

showing signs of a feminine nature that frankly concerns me. Not to go into detail, but he obviously has presented us with a very perplexing dilemma. We are not comfortable with the notion of raising a HomoGay child, and would like very much if you could provide us with some information regarding the signs that point toward one’s child being a big bag of diaper-filled sin flesh.”

We Lonvidians take such questions very seriously, and want to assure parents of the sexuality of their children – and would love to point out a few obvious signs that your toddler may be HomoGay.

1 – Does he always seem to find comfort in sucking on his pacifier? If so, this is definitely something to watch out for. Studies show that children who are addicted to oral stimulation at an early age are 124% more likely to be HomoGay than normal children.

2- Does he seem to be unusually attracted to shiny and dangly objects? If so, watch him closely. Little HomoGays love fancy jewelry and dressing up like women. This may be a sign that he’s developing a crush on designer clothes and gaudy accessories.

3- When he begins to crawl – watch closely for a side to side motion of his bottom as he moves across the floor. A little sway is okay – but a lot is something to be concerned about. Additionally, when he begins to walk, watch him closely to make sure he doesn’t place his hands above shoulder level while listening to music.

4- Turn the radio on and see what he smiles at. Does he seem to enjoy Depeche Mode, or does he coo and giggle to Barbara Streisand? If so, try some musical therapy with manly music such as Johnny Cash or Merle Haggard. This should work in most cases.

This one just screams “HOMOGAY!”

5 – Does he cry a lot? Babies cry sometimes, but if he’s just crying for no reason, it could be a sign that he’s overly emotional. For a man, this is simply not acceptable. If you see this beginning to occur, point your finger in his face and say “BE A MAN. BE A MAN AND STOP YOUR WHINING OR I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT.” If he continues to cry, He’s HomoGay. For sure.

6 – Place two bottles in front of him. One blue, one pink with flowers and giraffes on it. Which one does he reach for? If he goes for the blue one, relax.

7- Is his name Steven or Brad? Studies show that all men named Steven or Brad are HomoGay. If so, change his name as quickly as possible and make him wear a fake moustache for a few weeks to counteract the damage you have already caused.

8 – Tickle him. Does he give off a slight chuckle and brush it off, or does he squeal in a high-pitched voice and giggle like a girl? This is one of the oldest tricks in the books to identifying a HomoGay – it even works on adults.

9 – Place him in front of the television and turn on Bonanza. Is he enthralled, or does he make a pouty face? If he

Is this how he reacts to the classic television show “The Dukes of Hazard?” If so…. read the article. again. You’re gonna need our tips.

pouts, turn on Teletubbies. If he enjoys it, he’s so HomoGay.

10 – Does he show interest in owning a stick horse? If so, you will want to watch him closely for several years to make sure he isn’t riding it inappropriately. If he doesn’t like stick horses, you’re fine. If he’s scared of stick horses, watch him closely and wave a shiny earring in front of his face. ( see #2)

I hope this helps! Good luck, and remember – Hobby Lobby takes all unwanted babies on aisle 3.