In my past life as a secular masturbator I was unhealthily infatuated with zombie documentaries. Since being saved by Lonnie Childs and the STOP Masturbation NOW ministries, however, I have come to the realization that zombies are possibly the most prolific self-rapists alive! Zombies, like your typical masturbator, are brain dead. It is a proven faithfact that non-masturbators use a higher percentage of our brains, causing the self-raping zombies to lash out in a fit of jealousy. This is the new normal. Welcome to the wasteland brothers and sisters!
Most non-normals such as masturbators and zombies choose to hang out in groups and inject themselves with marijuana, ellis dee and other drugs. They are also attracted to obnoxious music which explains their obsession with The Burning Man musical masturbation festival and the David Mathews Band.
SPOILER ALERT
There is hope, however! In Zombie documentaries, the normals always prevail in the end. So let us all pray for the apocalypse to set us free of all the dirty masturbating non-normals.
