Enforcing Martial Harmony 101 – Chapter 36 “The Wonder Plant”

The following story contains a powerful lesson about keeping the passion in marriage alive, as well as an insight into a woman’s soul.

Back in 1996 when I first came to BLUFF and found salvation, I knew nothing of the ​love and harmony that a Same Race Spouse Assignment can provide. My fiancé was overweight, foreign, and her fingers smelled like fish. She was a masturbator.

On our wedding night I came to my wife’s chambers and commanded her to assume the missionary position so that we can procreate. She refused me. I was confused, upset, and I slept alone that night. Having thought that she must have been tired from the wedding, I came back the next night. She refused me again! And the following night as well!

Lost in distress, I went to a senior deacon in charge to get some advice.

“Brother Erich,” – I said – “my wife is not giving it up to me! What do I do?”

“No worries,” – said Erich – “Just hit her over the head with a baseball bat, and take her while she’s still warm.”

“I can’t do that Erich!” – I exclaimed – “This is my wife we’re talking about! I love her!”

“Well, maybe you should go see Brother August ” – Erich said – “he’s a S​enator, he’ll know what to do”.

After I finished telling my story to the Senator, he had this to say.

“It’s very simple Brother Nikita. You hit her over the head with a baseball bat, and take her while she’s still warm.”

“What’s wrong with you people?!!” – I screamed in anguish – “This is my wife! How can you tell me these things!”

“Well,” – said the senator – “the only other thing you can do is talk to Lonnie. He’s a holy man, a modern day prophet, and a former state wrestling champion. If anyone can help you, it’s him”.

Having been granted an audience with Lonnie after 5 days, I was shaking with anticipation.

“Of course I know what to do.” – Lonnie said – “You have to go to the sacred woods, chop down the biggest tree, build a boat, and take it out to the sea, heading North for 3 months. After 3 months you will land on a deserted island. In the middle of the island you will climb a volcano. You will find a nest with a golden egg. After you break the golden egg, a blue bird is going to fly out. The blue bird will lead you to the sacred valley, where you will find the Wonder Plant. Bring it home, dry it, and make tea out of it. Before your wife goes to sleep, put it on a cupboard next to her. She will ask you, what is this? And you will tell her, it’s the Wonder Plant! And as soon as she turns around to look at it, you hit her over the head with a baseball bat, and take her while she’s still warm!”


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Blythe Danner
6 years ago

Serves the both of those to blockheads right. Her for not performing her wifely duties and him for not listening to his elder flock members!

6 years ago


6 years ago

oh good, another rape joke!

6 years ago

OOh OOH and then you take her to your cave and then tell her to wash your cloths and eat the lice on your head too right?