Disciples

POT KILLS: Chasing The Marijuana Dragon

POT KILLS: Chasing The Marijuana Dragon

The following is the story Grandpa Shalavin told me about the dangers of marijuana when I was a little kid. 2,000 years ago when Jesus first discovered America, 3 masturbators were walking through the forest. Suddenly a big shadow passes over their heads and a big dragon lands in front of them. […]

by September 17, 2020 28 comments Disciples, History, Morals, World
Born after 1980? You’ll have no idea what this device is.

Born after 1980? You’ll have no idea what this device is.

WEST PALM BEACH, FLA. – If you were born after 1980 you’ve probably never seen this device before, and you likely don’t even know what it was used for.  But if you were born in the age of self-control, you’re parents may have made you wear this, and if so, […]

by September 4, 2020 26 comments Disciples, Morals, Self-Rape Prevention
MASTURBATION RAPE METHODS

MASTURBATION RAPE METHODS

The goal of masturbation is to achieve climax alone by stimulating ones genitals combined one of the following rape methods. 1.) Fantasizing about another person or person(s). In doing this you are raping that person. You have no right to be thinking those thoughts. Even if you are married and […]

Prostate Cancer And Other Masturbation Related Diseases

Prostate Cancer And Other Masturbation Related Diseases

MASTURBATION IS A TOP TEN CAUSES OF DISEASE Aches, Heart Disease, Paralysis and Suicide: When sexual organs are handled it causes a rush of blood to these parts, and causes oxygen depletion in other organs of the body, because they are left with a less amount of blood than they […]

Good Guy Pat Sajak

Good Guy Pat Sajak

by March 14, 2020 3 comments Celebrity, Disciples, Morals, Trending
Tim Tebow Convicted of Murder

Tim Tebow Convicted of Murder

Superbowl winning superstar quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, Tim Tebow has been convicted of first degree murder and sentence to life without parole.  Brother Lonnie has called for the public to withhold judgment until all the facts are known.  In his statement Brother Lonnie cautioned against judging God’s favorite white […]

Imagine a world without self-rape.

MASTURBATOR REFORMED

ISLAND MEXICO (SMNNN) Often, we here at Stop Masturbation Now Ministries are asked just how successful are we at converting heathen, self-rapist, foreigners into useful, upstanding, God-fearing, productive members of society. Today, we lambast the nay-sayers, and sinning unbelievers, who mock us so readily, and often, with the masturbatory drivel, […]

Repeat this affirmation daily and be at peace my Brothers and Sisters.

Miracle: Lonnie’s Celestial Intervention Prevents Parishioner From Self-Raping!

A miracle has occurred this week, as Stop Masturbation Now founder and American Hero, Lonnie Childs, has intervened to save the immortal soul of a parishioner known simply as ‘Thomas’. ‘Thomas’ was asleep in bed when a miracle sent by Lonnie Childs awakened him in order to alert ‘Thomas’ to […]

We stand with Lonnie!!!

Introducing Brother Lonnie’s Approved Prosthetic Limbs For Masturbatory Amputees

In a world where masturbation has run rampant, more and more people are having their arms or hands amputated due to masturbation injuries and diseases. While we do not approve of the activities that self-rapists involve themselves in, we do still care about the human species and the blacks, so […]

by January 11, 2015 20 comments Disciples
Brother Lonnie Approves New Program For Converted Homogays

Brother Lonnie Approves New Program For Converted Homogays

As a former homogay I spend many a restless night thinking back on my past lascivious lifestyle while praying long and hard to fight the temptations to return to the homogay cabal. After fifteen minutes of rest I begin praying long and hard again. As I was gripped in the […]

by December 23, 2014 10 comments Disciples, Family Values, Politics
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