Family Values

SMN Ministries Celebrates 1,000th Funeral Protested

We all know there is no better way to warn people about an eternity in hell then when death is staring them in the face. There is nowhere where this opportunity presents itself better than at a funeral.  At these events you will find: the corpse of a dead person, family members hoping to get rich off of the inheritance, and various other onlookers such as friends, neighbors, and creeps.

Last weekend marked the 1,000th funeral “attended” by members of the STOP Masturbation NOW movement.  As we look back upon this momentous occasion, many in the Ministry have reflected upon their favorite funeral.


“I live in Connecticut, so I felt obligated to protest a few of the Sandy Hook funerals.  The crowds were more vicious than normal, but what really pissed me off was someone invited those liberal pussies from the Westboro Church and we ended up competing against one another.  Needless to say, I out-shouted them and came away victorious.  Other than that, the Sandy Hook funerals were great.”

-Former Deacon of SMN Ministries


“My favorite one was when I attended with fellow SMN member “Pixie” which was the funeral of a military person who killed in Afghanistan.  Given such a long deployment before his death, I knew he must have been close to the world masturbation record when he stepped on that IUD.   Needless to say, his family all had masturbation-rage and the local police had to be called for protection.  I even had to use my sign as a way of defending myself before they arrived.”

-Deacon Larry Thomas


“The best funeral I protested was that of an entire family who were killed in a car-crash.  I was literally killing 4 birds with one stone.  The family only consisted of 4 people and only one of them was a wife. With such a lack of wives and only two results from procreation-only sex, one could only conclude that the father was a vicious masturbator.  After the funeral, I also protested the wake and found their refreshment table to be a cut-above average.”

-Deacon Jacob Franklin


What has been your favorite funeral protest? Feel free to leave your testimonial below in the comments section.

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4 years ago

That’s bullshit

Jade Swain
Jade Swain
4 years ago

you are disgusting.

4 years ago

If God is real he jacked him self off to make the world. But there is no God. Oh and if everyone is made in gods Image, than he must be a fag too. Because it’s true that people hate others, due to their own inner feeling.