17 Things to Do While Under “Stay At Home” Orders

As more and more states are issuing “Stay At Home” or “Shelter In Place” directives the average American is finding themselves out of work and with far too much time on their hands. Many heathens are boasting they are “working from home” while they are really just watching sinful pornographics and drinking beer all day.

Fear not, pious follower of Lonnie Childs! Our Lord and Savior has generated a list of 17 ways you can safely (and sanely) pass the time until the dreaded masturbation disease, COVID-19, is eradicated by Lonnie’s team of faith scientists.

1. Read the King Lonald Holy Bible. If you are “staying at home” with your family, we’re sorry. However, you can take this time to convert any non-followers of Lonnie Childs while you have them as a captive audience.
   
   
2. Visit StopMasturbationNow.org. Your faith reporters here at SMN will be bringing you breaking masturbation news and additional news straight from the COVID-19 free mouth of Lonnie Childs.
   
   
3. Gamble on WWE television shows. As professional wrestling is somehow the only “sport” still running on TV, now is the time to wager your hard-earned cash and become financially set in post-COVID America.
   
   
4. Pray at masturbators.
   
   
5. Pray at the vile, masturbation disease COVID-19.
   
   
6. Write a fan letter to Idaho State Senator August Weisz.
   
   
7. Sit your family down and make them watch the entire run of 80s TV show “ALF” in one sitting. This can also be used as punishment if anyone speaks during any reading of the King Lonald Holy Bible in your home.
   
   
8. Use the internet to spread the Holy Word of Lonnie Childs. Just about any comment thread anywhere can turn into a discussion about the sins of masturbation if a True Believer tries hard enough.
   
   
9. Get a degree in Masturbation Law from BLUFF.
   
   
10. Each day scrub your entire front door down with bleach. We know masturbators are refusing to “shelter in place” and are outside congregating in groups. They are likely also spreading COVID-19 and general masturbation residue on the outsides of the homes of True Believers. Remember, if you see someone outside they are confirmed masturbators and are up to no good.
    
    
11. Invest in the stock market. Anti-masturbation companies, such as Philip Morris International, are currently at record lows. Invest now, so you can reap the benefits after Easter Sunday when President Donald Trump plans to declare American “open for business” again. Time is short, so you must act soon.
    
    
12. If you have a cat, now is the time to make your own “microbrew” cat milk. Unfortunately, due to hoarding and stress on the supply chain, we can’t meet all of our current outstanding orders at this time. However, now would be the time to “take matters into your own hands” and keep your family healthy and full of cat milk.
    
    
13. Set an alarm to wake you up every hour on the hour so you can go wash your hands with soap and warm water for 20 seconds. Better safe than sorry!
    
    
14. Play any of the four video games approved by Lonnie Childs.
    
    
15. Teach your neighbors about the risks of masturbation by loudly reciting the King Lonald Holy Bible on a balcony or through an open window. Lonnie can’t wait to see your videos go “viral” (no pun intended) on the internet like the ones of the people singing in Italy.
    
    
16. Build your own scale model of BLUFF out of the many rolls of toilet paper you hoarded after Lonnie’s directive in October 2019 warning about COVID-19.
    
    
17. Pray at masturbators.