3 Songs You Never Knew Were Anti-Masturbation Anthems

Johnny Cash's Feelings About Big Masturbation

Every once in a while in the world of popular music, a rebellious artist is able to sneak something past the liberal controlled Government and Big Masturbation censors. Even in the case of two of the songs featured in this article, the artists were able to get the message through after being heavily censored by their Big Masturbation controlled record labels. Regardless, I’m sure the average non-normal masturbator has no idea the songs playing while they are committing their filthy acts are actually condemning them.


3. Phil Collins – In The Air Tonight

Phil Collins was previously the drummer and sometimes vocalist for some random hippy jam band from the 1970s called “Genesis”. Around the late 1970s, Collins stumbled out of his drug induced haze and decided that Genesis was wrongly taking a Biblical name to promote their depraved druggie music. Collins then, wisely, decided to record his own solo album of original material that he ended up calling “Face Value”. Collins wastes exactly zero time letting his listeners know this is a huge shift for him with the lead-off track, “In The Air Tonight”.

Phil Collins Has A Message For Big Masturbation
Note the Anti-Masturbation Disc that Collins is wearing in his pants.

“In The Air Tonight” details an experience Collins had walking in on another, unnamed, famous musician at one of the final Genesis concerts before he went solo. “I was there and I saw what you did, saw it with my own two eyes” is the really telling line that shows that Collins is not hesitating to throw this masturbator under the bus and out him for the deviant that he is. One can speculate that Collins is stopping just short of ratting out an otherwise wholesome and perceived anti-masturbation advocate with the line “But I know the reason why you keep your silence up, no you don’t fool me.” It has been rumored since the song’s release that the individual Phil Collins caught self-raping was none other than alleged Christian musician Carman Licciardello.

Shame Bus
All aboard! The Shame Bus is leaving the depot.

#2. Elvis Presley – Hound Dog

In the 1950s you could not get more American than Elvis Presley. He was American, a normal and shot a bunch of people while serving in the American War Machine. It’s nearly inconceivable that something this Great American Hero had his strong hands on could get him censored by the Big Masturbation controlled entertainment industry. Alas, the troubled recording of the song “Hound Dog” was just the beginning of dark times for Presley as the Nation slid further down into the muck that was the 1960s and 1970s. Mr. Presley, the ever proud American, even justifiably faked his death and moved to his own sovereign island nation in the Pacific Ocean to avoid the slide into depravity that came once again in the 1990s.

Elvis Presley and Richard Nixon
Elvis Presley (right) with Great American and “Man Who Should Still Be President” Richard Nixon.

Elvis originally went into the studio and recorded a version of “Hound Dog” with the same music but slightly different lyrics. The song, originally titled “Masturbator”, was submitted to his record label who instantly rejected the song as “not fitting the morals of our company”. This reasoning confused Presley as the song was a staunch anti-masturbation thesis that was filled with lyrics condemning a fictional masturbator. Needless to say, the core of the song was left intact, especially the part about the masturbator, I mean “dog”, not being “high class” and “no friend of mine”. The official explanation given to Presley’s management was that the switch to the dog metaphor was better because “nobody gives a damn about dogs.”

Corn Dog
However, everyone gives a damn about corn dogs because they are delicious.


1. Johnny Cash – The Man Comes Around

Johnny Cash wrote this song about Lonnie Childs. Just listen to the whole thing. I’ll wait.

Johnny Cash Has Had It With Your Masturbation
While you listen, stare at this image which is Johnny Cash’s succinct message to Big Masturbation.

“When The Man Comes Around”, originally titled “When Lonnie Childs Comes Around”, was a volley directed at the Big Masturbation controlled music industry from Cash in his final days. As Cash was ailing during the recording of the American IV album, he gave in rather quickly to the label’s demands that he make changes to the song; however, Cash, ever the craftsman still gets the point of the song across by only changing the name “Lonnie Childs” to “The Man”. The censors were none the wiser and as Cash stated, “Lonnie Childs is ‘the man’, so this works, whatever.” One other minor change was the ending narration where the phrase And I looked and behold: a pale horse. And his name, that sat on him, was Death. And Hell followed with him.” was originally “And I looked and behold: a pale man. And his name, that God gave him, was Lonnie. And Senator Weisz followed with him”. It is speculated that  this change was forced by the liberal entertainment industry due to Cash’s known association with Big Masturbation lifelong enemy, President Richard Nixon.

Johnny Cash And Nixon
Big Masturbation’s message is quite clear, be friends with Richard Nixon and get your art censored.


About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

11 Comments on 3 Songs You Never Knew Were Anti-Masturbation Anthems

  1. Some friends learned the hard way that saying something about Carman without his permission brings down the wrath of 50 year old women across America and “Richard from Microsoft Security” gets involved… and no one wants that.

    I’m guessing that is why Phil Collins stopped short of naming Carman Licciardello in his song. But we all know the truth.

    Also, I too like corndogs. A lot.

  2. “Hear the trumpets, hear the pipers.
    One hundred million angels singin’.
    Multitudes are marchin’ to the big kettle drum.”

    This pretty much describes what happens everywhere Lonnie Childs goes. If you’ve ever been blessed to be part of one of his auditorium revival meetings you know what I mean. Praise!

    • Amen Brother Pasty, keep beating those drums, beat them extra hard for Lonnie! Praise on high!

  3. “It’s nearly inconceivable that something this Great American Hero had his strong hands on” wasn’t his own dick

  4. I’ve masturbated three times today. In retrospect I’ve concluded that there is no such thing as “self rape” and that you people must be pretty bored to be pushing this kind of ridiculous and abusive propaganda. Pro tip: god wouldn’t have given us thumbs if he didn’t want us to twiddle the ol’ padiddle every once in a while!

    • Dearest Mr. Bater, God gave us thumbs to hold the bible, not to invade our sin-zone, let’s all pray for this non-normal, incestuous, self-raping, unholy man! Praise on thumbs!

  5. Can I book tickets to Elvis’ nation online or do I have to go through a travel agent? Are there any erotic toy stores on this island? I really prefer not to pack my vibrator as sometimes the plug has issues in foreign countries and TSA so it seems easiest just to buy a cheap vibrator for the duration of my stay,

  6. Please, you can have your websites and your prayer circles, just don’t bring timeless American music heroes into all of this. Not everyone shares your views, and we’d like to think that they weren’t walking around with Tambourines used as anti masturbation disks shoved in their pants all the time.

5 Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Music Misconduct: Elvis Presley – Hound Dog (1956) - Conservative Cathy
  2. Music Misconduct: Phil Collins – In The Air Tonight (1981) - Conservative Cathy
  3. Music Misconduct: Johnny Cash – The Man Comes Around (2002) - Conservative Cathy
  4. Music Misconduct: Phil Collins – In The Air Tonight (1981) - Conservative Cathy
  5. Music Misconduct: Johnny Cash – The Man Comes Around (2002) - Conservative Cathy

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