Big Masturbation

Bruce Danus Saves The Life of a Masturbator

It was a cold, rainy night in Portland, OR; the home of the most masturbators in America, because it is the home of the most hipsters in America. I was waiting for a bus to take so I could preach the good words of Lonnie to a captive audience, when suddenly, I spotted an obvious self-raper, waddling his way towards me. Everyone near me was fearing for their safety also, as I could see them frantically cyber-messaging on their cellular telephones systems, and avoiding eye contact with, what I can only describe as a Planetoid made of skin and semen stains barreling down on us. I knew at this moment, it was up to me to save myself, and if possible, the others around me.

I quickly surveyed the scene, and noticed a small trashcan inbetween the normals and this self-rapist. So, I quickly ran and threw that trashcan in front of this evil Asexual individual, which due to his obesity from only eating at KFC or Pizza Hut, and stroking Satan’s scepter constantly, he was unable to avoid. Crisis averted…or was it?

Bruce Danus stops a self-rapist in his tracks.

Bruce Danus stops a self-rapist in his tracks.

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Nope. It wasn’t over yet. This Ham Planet of a masturbator simply walked around the garbage can, and the bus was still 10 minutes away, more than enough time for this behemoth to make it half a block. Instantly, my fear for the non-self-rapers at this bus stop kicked in. I called 911 to report a masturbator, and warned them he was half a block from getting on a bus and giving thousands of people Bad AIDS, Syphilis or Ebola from masturbating on public transportation. The police, owned by Big Masturbation, just laughed at me and hung up. This was my fight now. I will NOT let innocent citizen perish at the hands of a chicken choker. I only had one option left now. I slowly reached into my CDC approved Haz-Mat Suit’s pocket, and grasped my Desert Eagle .50 Caliber, ready to stop him from destroying what is left of Portland, and possibly the world.

Artist's depiction of the masturbator and his destructive capabilities.

Artist’s depiction of the masturbator and his destructive capabilities.

Just as the bus arrived, the largest warrior from Big Masturbation came within 5 feet of me, a warrior to end Sodomy like masturbation, and a Deacon for Lonnie Child’s Ministries. This battle was to be an epic thing that will be talked about for centuries. One of us would need to win this battle. One of us would prove whether masturbation was a sin, or a “healthy thing that everybody does”. I knew it would be me, because I have had Lonnie’s Golden Shower of Love, and followed His teachings to the very letter of the law, but on this day, I was wrong…sort of. I forgot the rule “Pride comes before a fall”, and I was feeling very prideful because I knew I was correct in ending masturbation. As I was pulling my gun from my pocket, it accidentally fired, putting a hole in my Haz-Mat suit and my foot, and causing the 600lb masturbator to have a heart attack and die, due to his self-raping lifestyle. I am currently writing this from the hospital, where I got 43 stitches in my foot from the bullet wound,and am under quarantine due to possible Ebola or Bad AIDS exposure, but that evil masturbator was saved from his lifestyle of self-rape and non-stop eating by Lonnie giving him a heart attack, and can only type to you from Triple-Hell.

Police cleaning up the site of a Self-Rapists death.

Police cleaning up the site of a Self-Rapists death.

God and Lonnie Childs work in mysterious ways, but They are here to save us from ourselves. May Lonnie bless you.

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Truffle
5 years ago

Brother Bruce, took a bullet for the flock. A true American hero!

The Fat Man
The Fat Man
5 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

I didn’t die

Truffle
5 years ago
Reply to  The Fat Man

No, because you’re not the fat masturbator in question. You will die, though, because you’re fat and you masturbate.

A Smart Guy
A Smart Guy
5 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

I think I know who I am

A Smart Guy
A Smart Guy
5 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

Just because he’s fat means he won’t die now and you won’t, what if tomorrow you got ran over and died, before him?

Truffle
5 years ago
Reply to  A Smart Guy

Smart Guy, I live within the confines of the BLUFF compound. We don’t have motorised vehicles here.

Lonnie Childs
Admin
5 years ago
Reply to  A Smart Guy

Stop being so dumb, fat guy.

A Smart Guy
A Smart Guy
5 years ago
Reply to  A Smart Guy

Oh, damn, my autocorrect typed I think I Know who I am, instead of “I think you know who I am, and truffle, motorized vehicles aren’t the only vehicle that can kill, my cousin found that out the hard way

Truffle
5 years ago
Reply to  A Smart Guy

How did he die? From masturbation palsy, no doubt.

A Smart Guy
A Smart Guy
5 years ago
Reply to  A Smart Guy

Nope, a fucking horse

Truffle
5 years ago
Reply to  A Smart Guy

A zoophile. Well now, why doesn’t that surprise me. Discustarding!

Lonnie Childs
Admin
5 years ago
Reply to  A Smart Guy

He fornicated with a horse and subsequently contracted masturbation palsy into his brain. Seen it a million times.

Science
Science
5 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

I would shoot him right in his left eye. with my penis MMMMHHHH

annabelle
annabelle
5 years ago

43 stitches from a 50 Cal bullet? All of this sounds very false. First. Who walks down the street in a haz mat suit. Second, you can put a desert eagle in your pocket unless you have crazy deep pockets. Third. 43 stitches is more than what it takes to SEW THE AVERAGE PERSONS ARMS BACK ON. cmon who runs down the street walking it…. let’s tell a more convincing story guys….

Dingin JUngus
Dingin JUngus
5 years ago

hail jesus christ, the lord almighty

Science2
Science2
5 years ago

LOL! FAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAFPAFPAFPAPFAP! SEXY BITCHEEEEES!!!!! YOU WILL NEVER BEAT S C I E N C E!!!! 666