Bruce Danus Saves The Life of a Masturbator

It was a cold, rainy night in Portland, OR; the home of the most masturbators in America, because it is the home of the most hipsters in America. I was waiting for a bus to take so I could preach the good words of Lonnie to a captive audience, when suddenly, I spotted an obvious self-raper, waddling his way towards me. Everyone near me was fearing for their safety also, as I could see them frantically cyber-messaging on their cellular telephones systems, and avoiding eye contact with, what I can only describe as a Planetoid made of skin and semen stains barreling down on us. I knew at this moment, it was up to me to save myself, and if possible, the others around me.

I quickly surveyed the scene, and noticed a small trashcan inbetween the normals and this self-rapist. So, I quickly ran and threw that trashcan in front of this evil Asexual individual, which due to his obesity from only eating at KFC or Pizza Hut, and stroking Satan’s scepter constantly, he was unable to avoid. Crisis averted…or was it?

Bruce Danus stops a self-rapist in his tracks.

Nope. It wasn’t over yet. This Ham Planet of a masturbator simply walked around the garbage can, and the bus was still 10 minutes away, more than enough time for this behemoth to make it half a block. Instantly, my fear for the non-self-rapers at this bus stop kicked in. I called 911 to report a masturbator, and warned them he was half a block from getting on a bus and giving thousands of people Bad AIDS, Syphilis or Ebola from masturbating on public transportation. The police, owned by Big Masturbation, just laughed at me and hung up. This was my fight now. I will NOT let innocent citizen perish at the hands of a chicken choker. I only had one option left now. I slowly reached into my CDC approved Haz-Mat Suit’s pocket, and grasped my Desert Eagle .50 Caliber, ready to stop him from destroying what is left of Portland, and possibly the world.

Artist’s depiction of the masturbator and his destructive capabilities.

Just as the bus arrived, the largest warrior from Big Masturbation came within 5 feet of me, a warrior to end Sodomy like masturbation, and a Deacon for Lonnie Child’s Ministries. This battle was to be an epic thing that will be talked about for centuries. One of us would need to win this battle. One of us would prove whether masturbation was a sin, or a “healthy thing that everybody does”. I knew it would be me, because I have had Lonnie’s Golden Shower of Love, and followed His teachings to the very letter of the law, but on this day, I was wrong…sort of. I forgot the rule “Pride comes before a fall”, and I was feeling very prideful because I knew I was correct in ending masturbation. As I was pulling my gun from my pocket, it accidentally fired, putting a hole in my Haz-Mat suit and my foot, and causing the 600lb masturbator to have a heart attack and die, due to his self-raping lifestyle. I am currently writing this from the hospital, where I got 43 stitches in my foot from the bullet wound,and am under quarantine due to possible Ebola or Bad AIDS exposure, but that evil masturbator was saved from his lifestyle of self-rape and non-stop eating by Lonnie giving him a heart attack, and can only type to you from Triple-Hell.

Police cleaning up the site of a Self-Rapists death.

God and Lonnie Childs work in mysterious ways, but They are here to save us from ourselves. May Lonnie bless you.