Celebrity

Pregnant Mila Kunis To Men: Stop Masturbating!

Mila KunisWEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMMNN) Pregnant actress Mila Kunis, most notably known for her prescient role in the film ‘Knocked Up’, spoke out recently with a message for men around the globe. During her appearance on the DeKalb, Illinois public access program “Reflections”, Kunis spoke out loudly against the evils of masturbation from a female point of view.

“First off, guys, stop masturbating. It’s not cute and it’s actually really dangerous. Also, you men have no idea what it is like to be a woman waiting for her spousal assignment and having to constantly fight off the urge to explore the sin cave. Thankfully, I was assigned to Ashton and we immediately began the process of having procreational sex. And you can clearly see the result just by looking at me today.”

Kunis went on to advocate that all people, men *and* women, need to refrain from masturbation. “You will eventually be assigned the proper spouse and, believe me, it is worth the wait. Before Ashton was assigned to me, I meandered through life directionless. However, my strength in resisting the urge and peer pressure paid off as I can now devote my life to Ashton and his needs.”

Pregnant Ms. Kunis then feigned anger at the host for “not believing that masturbation is wrong” and tore off her microphone and flipped a table. She then laughed, took the handheld microphone from host Steve Brubaker’s hand and went into a seven minute and twenty-one second diatribe that we have a brief excerpt from:

“You think masturbation is cool? Have you ever tried to shove a watermelon into your sin cave? Believe me, friends, it’s not cool. I had a friend do serious damage to her body trying a similar stunt in a moment of misguided passion. She is now sterile and nothing can be done for her. She will now live a lonely and childless life because of her mistake. Don’t be like her. Save yourself for your assigned spouse.”

Mila Kunis is also known for her voice acting work as the character “Lisa” on the animated adventure program “The Simpsons”. Kunis recently became the assigned spouse of notable actor Ashton Kutcher and is pregnant with his child.


Cathy Redmond, reporting for StopMasturbationNow.org.

Cathy can be reached via her own website or on Facebook.

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Leonard Chimball, Jr.
7 years ago

Praise! Such a well-written and informative piece!!!

Buttface
Buttface
7 years ago

Hear, hear!

Lolfaggot Miso
7 years ago

She is’nt Mila Kunis, it’s the pictures of Emma Stone. Also, Mila Kunis did’nt even played in “Knocked up”, it was Katherine Heigl. And finally, Mila Kunis never spoke against masturbation, it’s a theme in a lot of her movies. She is a really sensual and erotic woman, a lot of nude pictures of her are on internet.

Buttface
Buttface
7 years ago
Reply to  Lolfaggot Miso

I pray that you find jesus soon. 🙁

Bono Reznor
Bono Reznor
7 years ago
Reply to  Lolfaggot Miso

It is on Lonnie’s netsite so it is confirmed Faith Fact. I don’t believe your Big Masturbation fueled distortions.

+turbator
+turbator
7 years ago

I love her to piss over my mouth while fapping with her

fapfapfapfapfap
fapfapfapfapfap
7 years ago

You people are impressively ignorant. First of all, the pictures aren’t even of Mila Kunis but of Emma Stone. Second, Mila Kunis did not even act in the movie Knocked Up, it was Katherine Heigl. Third, she doesn’t voice Lisa in The Simpsons, she voices Megan in Family Guy. I would also like to see references for the ridiculous things you say she said, because I cannot imagine she would say any of that. You all say that since it’s written by this “Lonnie” nutcase that it is fact…do you people not know how to do your own research and… Read more »

Jeff
Jeff
5 years ago

Obviously satire. Chill.

SelfRaper101
SelfRaper101
4 years ago

omg i love this website