Family Values

A Young Girl’s Dilemma – Ask Cassidy

cassidy - askDear, Cassidy.

I’m a 14 year-old girl attending Hickory Woods Middle School in Clydesdale, IL. There’s a creepy boy named Marty Swanson who wears baggy pants, a collar shirt, and has dirty beady eyes. He’s always slurping, wiping at his face, and making strange intestinal sounds in school. In my English class, he sits right behind me and his manners are becoming very irritating.

But that’s not why I’m writing to you for advice. Before we were supposed to line up for gym class today, Marty called my name while I was talking to my girlfriends on the softball team. When I looked at him, I was shocked to see he had a growing lump in his gym shorts. He had popped a boner. I’m glad none of my friends noticed.

What can I do? What if he embarrasses me? Should I talk to the gym teacher? I’ve enclosed a picture of Marty Swanson so you can judge him by his looks.

Very Worried.

borderDear, Very Worried.

Marty is no doubt an unrepentant masturbator. He lacks social skills because of his upbringing and his own devotion to Satan. Pray at him, but always keep in mind that prayer can only help so much. You would do best to publicly shame the boy. Here are a few suggestions.

  • Scream and point at his turgid trousers next time you see him excited.
  • Date a strong bullying type boy in school and ask him to take care of Marty.
  • Make copies of this picture and write up self rape shaming cards and posters to tack up around school and town. On them, write simple phrases like, “Marty Swanson-Self Rapist” and “Marty Pops Boners.”
  • Call and shame him from a pay telephone while disguising your voice.
  • Call the police and file a sexual harassment report against the boy. It is important to call during school hours to place a liability with the heathen public school district where you reside. You may be due a large financial settlement.

I hope this helps. God Bless you and your continued self celibacy.

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Deku
Deku
5 years ago

You are promoting bullying you know that right. Also that boy was also born mentally retarred or something, so he can’t help himself. Smart Guy, I leave the rest up to you.

Saved by the truth
Saved by the truth
5 years ago
Reply to  Deku

Mentally retarded are the worst.

Nigel Covington
5 years ago
Reply to  Deku

Come on guys… he’s a retard who unknowingly is a nuisance to everyone around him. “Promoting bullying” of course this useless loser has it coming. Why do you ask in such a condescending tone? You should shut your gaping hole… its the sex hole located under your noise! Deku you wrote… “he can’t help himself” Yeah we know that, we just don’t care. Look I dunno anything about you, but if you’re anything like that dizzy, flaming homo Richard (below) than you have no right to show up here to shame good people here on this holy site. And if… Read more »

Go fuck yourself in the face
Go fuck yourself in the face
5 years ago
Reply to  Deku

I’ll fucking get a boner wherever The fuck I want

Richard
Richard
5 years ago

That’s fucked the kid possibly has Down syndrome and you guys are encouraging bullying

Philipp B.
Philipp B.
5 years ago

godisdead

Masturbationisgood
Masturbationisgood
5 years ago
Reply to  Philipp B.

God is dead and this website killed him

Ms Millie Tant
Ms Millie Tant
5 years ago

That boy should have his penis cut off in a Sharia court. This was clearly sexual harrassment. This potentential rapist little shit would probably grow up to be a neckbearded men’s rights activist atheist Youtuber. Gross.

Hugh Mongous
Hugh Mongous
5 years ago

Thats hilarious. This can’t be for real. Just.. wow.

Faggot, A.
Faggot, A.
5 years ago

Well holy shit (coincidentally is an apt description for this POS site) I had an idea that you fundamentalist types were fucking deficit in the mental faculties, but this really takes the shit-smeared cake. I could walk through each point, pointing out how absolutely inhuman, inhumane, and so typical of you all this advice is, but any person that has the capacity to slam two neurons together to form a coherent thought knows, despite how basic that thought is, just how incorrect this advice is. I understand though, why you spew this putrid bile some might dare call armchair, stay-at-home-mom,… Read more »

Amy
Amy
5 years ago
Reply to  Faggot, A.

It’s a satirical website

Koldobika (@koldobika2020)
Reply to  Faggot, A.

lol this is a satire/comedy website.

Jocelyn (@JossWJ)
5 years ago

This article and website is a bunch of trash. The kid clearly has downs syndrome. You are awful people to promote bullying

Jesus
Jesus
5 years ago

I think the funniest thing here is that no one understands the humor of the joke

A A
A A
5 years ago

This is satire right? Like, you guys aren’t ACTUALLY that fucked in the head right?….

Brother Nidwin
Brother Nidwin
5 years ago

May be we could use holy handcuffs, the ones with iron torns, so the clearly self rapist can keeps his hands cuffed behind is back to avoid self rape? And if he gets a horrible boner Very Worried would have it easier to help that boy to get rid of it with a kick in balls. Praying very hard for you Very Worried.

the truth
the truth
5 years ago

id love to talk to one of you clowns in real life and dissect this horrid twisted idea that’s self raped your fucking minds your close mindedness disgusts me with no physical proof that living this way is promotional to someones well-being you deserve to have the taste slapped out of your mouth for speaking that way I’m sure everything you did as a marine, killed and who knows what else happens within a platoon your a joke and don’t deserve to be a role model for anyone your life your religion your book (bible) is nothing more then a… Read more »

Deku
Deku
4 years ago

Sup Nigel, heard you were talking shut. I’d live to see what you really look like, not that Google Image phototherapy you have for your profile pick