Education Department Plans Mandatory Mexican Classes for U.S. Schools




Secretary of Education Arne Duncan speaks to the National Press Club

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move announced yesterday, Education Secretary Arne Duncan unveiled a new proposal to ensure American students achieve early proficiency in Mexican language and culture. 

“We have an urgent challenge. Our educational system will soon absorb millions of children from south of the border. At the same time, our own young people are woefully ignorant when it comes to the culture and language of our nearest neighbor, Mexico,” said Secretary Duncan in a press conference at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C.. 

“It is high time to introduce American students to all of the wonderful things Mexican cultura has to offer, from their colorful language, food, and music. Our ambitious plan, which is to be implemented immediately, will produce results in mere weeks,” Duncan told reporters. 


Secretary Duncan escorts Mexican children to their new school in Columbus, New Mexico

Mass Border Influx Spurs Far-Reaching Plan

The move comes as the Obama administration has given the green light to millions of unaccompanied youth to enter the United States. The majority of new students reportedly come from Mexico and other countries where Mexican is spoken. 

“Time is of the essence as we make arrangements to take in the huge influx of youth from across the border,” remarked Duncan. “President Obama and I have sat down with a roundtable of educators and community organizations to create a go-forward initiative to quickly prepare our own students to live, eat and breath all things Mexican. It’s for the good of all.” 

Duncan went on to praise the immigrant children’s parents for “having the courage to drop their 6- and 7- and 8-year-olds off; to send them here to chase the American dream, to get a better education, to contribute to society. It’s frankly inspiring. We are going to make them feel at home.”

NEA Throws Support Behind Measure


NEA President Lily Garcia

Education activists say the initiative will make the newcomers feel at home by familiarizing U.S. students with their language and culture. National Education Association President Lily Garcia heralded the new plan as groundbreaking. “In a matter of weeks, our students will go from being completely culturally illiterate to being able to welcome their new amigos in their own language. U.S. schools going to get a ‘Mexican makeover’ and the sooner we can do this, the better,” said Garcia. “They’ll be little ‘Mexperts’ in no time.”


President Obama to personally welcome selected newcomers

“It’s about time. Over 89 per cent of high school students can’t even find Mexico on a map,” said Felipe Anfibologia, NEA member and Spanish teacher from the Los Angeles Unified School District (LAUSD). “Basically, 89 per cent of American students are complete idiotas. That is pathetic.” 

Controversial “Sex-Mex” Provision Stirs Controversy

It remains unconfirmed at press time whether controversial plans to include Mexican-style sexual education topics (“Sex-Mex,” for short) will be part of the overall initiative. Proposed areas of teaching include sex games to play at Quinceañera celebrations as well as masturbation instruction. Known as “flicking the bean,” activists say masturbation is a Mexican tradition that must be included in any curricula involving Mexican language and culture. 


Baris Villanueva, Gangs Outreach Director with Council of La Raza

Baris Villanueva, a Chicago-based Gangs Outreach Director for the Council of La Raza, told interviewers that the pathway to success includes sexual self-exploration. “You know, as an oppressed people, our race is proud of maintaining our traditions – traditions that we have been taught to be ashamed of by the gringo. This thing that you call masturbation, bro, it is a normal part of everyday life in the barrio that goes back to the Aztec times. It is as part of Aztlan culture as the tortilla, low-rider or having a neck tattoo in old English lettering. It is in our blood and it’s who we are, man. ¿Me entiendes?” 

“A Trojan Piñata”

Lonnie Childs, director of Stop Masturbation Now Ministries, issued a statement immediately denouncing the plan. “These newcomers may speak Mexican at home or at the bullfights, but in our schools, they should learn to speak proper American with their fellow students. If they’re placed in poorer areas, they’ll have to learn Ebonics,” said Childs, speaking from his rectory in Safford, Ariz. “This new wave of children is nothing more than a Trojan piñata. Once we break it open, we will find that it contains little ‘gifts’ for us like the ebola, the anthrax and quite possibly the bad AIDS.” 

School lunches to include ‘authentic’ Mexican fare such as insects

School lunches to include ‘authentic’ Mexican fare such as insects

“Don’t get me wrong. We have a need for agricultural manpower, great restaurants like Taco Bell, and motion pictures such as Nacho Libre. But all Mexicans coming to this country should be required to take the Stop Masturbation Now Pledge, which has been duly translated into Mexican by our Faithlinguists. It is the only way to keep out communicable disease and the gang violence. Praise.”


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die, gringo, die
die, gringo, die
7 years ago

Hot tamales!

7 years ago

Why do Mexicans work at panda express?