Fun and Games

SMN Ministries Launches Sex-Toy Buy Back Program with the Help of Little Lonnie’s Helpers

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SMN Ministries has teamed up with one of the Ministry’s primary sponsors, R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co., to assist with the first sex toy Buy Back program Ever!

Whilst sex toys are often used by a woman to help pleasure her husband and strengthen their marriage, these toys sometimes fall into the hands of sinners. These sinners will then go forth and forsake their place in heaven to selfishly chase their own pleasure. This is just one of the reasons that the program has been put in place.

The program is the brainchild of SMN’s Youth Minister, Jacob Franklin. “By utilizing the most innocent members of the family, we will make sure that all devices of sin will be rounded-up and sent to SMN Ministries for proper disposal.” According to Franklin’s strategy, the “Little Lonnie’s Helpers” will search their homes, and the homes of their friends’ homes, looking for sex toys and drugs that will be redeemed for prizes from the event’s sponsor RJ Reynolds. Whilst the owners will be reluctant to let go of one of the best fleshlights on the market if they have it in their homes, the “Little Lonnie’s Helpers” will be on the look-out for:

“Rubber Clubs” which are known to us as dildos or dinguses (20pts.)

“Shower Serpents” which is a family-friendly term for a hand-held shower head (15pts.)

“Play Comics” which are pornographic magazines with the word “Play” in the title (5pts.)

“Mommy’s Metal Buzzer” which is a common vibrator, or “Personal Massager” (20 pts.)

“Dandelion Clippings” which are know to others as: Marijuana (5 pts. Per oz.)

A “lifesize dolly” or known to others as a Silicone Sex Doll, as well as other larger sex toys were considered for inclusion in the prize roundup, though ultimately did not go through, most likely due to their size making them hard to hide whilst transporting them from the den of sin into their final resting place.

Helpers can redeem their points for a variety of prizes, such as: Matches, Lighters, and more. Additionally, the return addresses of the Little Helpers, will be reported to Child Protective Services, in their respected areas, in-hopes that CPS will be able to rescue these children from a life of Masturbation.

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Carlos Danger
6 years ago

I can’t wait to have the little children come into my home and search for sex toys. Left by the previous owner obviously.

Carlos Danger
6 years ago

Praise!

Truffle
6 years ago

They would find a mountain of filth in A Smart Guys dwelling. Especially from his non-normal wife.

A Smart Guy
A Smart Guy
6 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

Uh, I don’t exactly use sex toys, and neither does my wife. And you don’t even know where I live, so how would you find me? And what makes my wife non-normal? And this qualifies as robbery.

Julian Taylor
6 years ago

Think of all the lives we are saving!

The Island Mexican
The Island Mexican
6 years ago

I will hand in my 2 non-normal blow up.dolls.

ILOLAtDeadDegenerates
ILOLAtDeadDegenerates
6 years ago

I don’t know about this. If I wanted to destroy children’s innocence like that, I’d let faggots adopt them.

augustweisz
Admin
6 years ago

I get so happy when I think of the children, this really is all for them.

Satan
Satan
6 years ago

This shit can’t be serious for it to be even thought about makes me sic

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Satan

Stan, it is real and so far , we’ve collected dozens of smelly sex toys. Thankfully, these kids can now grow-up sin-free even if their parents are heathens.