Ban the Term “Diddly-squat”

In this week’s “Ranting Towards Redemption With Brother Cassidy” column, I provide insight toward the use of a phrase that I find highly unacceptable due to its offending nature. My dear friends in Christ Through the Lonaldian Way, as many of you are aware, I minister to troubled youths and local bums in my town’s downtown area. My goal is to save souls from the evil clutches of the self-rape devil. I preach to all who will listen the righteous word of Brother Lonnie.

I had an unpleasant experience at the Gas ‘n Grab, a nondescript gas station and overpriced grocery shack where I purchase me copenhagen and other take-alongs for my jaunts into the forest to hunt and check on me shine op. It turns out that Friendly Betty, the usual cashier at the establishment, was out of town tending to her father, who sadly is not doing well. Pull out and please activate your smartphone Prayer App toward Friendly Betty.

Today, the cashier was Jenni, a willowy tart having three-colored hair and a tongue ring. Many know her type. She gyrates her panty-lined rump when she walks emulating “back-it-up” sex action, enticing boys (and maybe girls) to yearn for sexual entry. Her cutesy mannerisms and low cut blouse fills young minds with confusion. She is the walking definition of the term, “near occasion of sin.”

But being the pleasant and fair-minded person I am, I greeted her and made small talk regarding Faith. Granted, I should have known about Jenni based on her appearance. After all, a tongue ring has only one purpose, to stimulate the head and veiny shaft of an stiff penis while dolling out oral copulation. From the looks of Jenni, that ring has “copped” plenty of miles.

When I told her the whereabouts of my preachin’ corner, Jenni replied, “I’ve only been here a month…I don’t know diddly-squat where anything is.”

I find the phrase “diddly-squat” to be offensive and I told the shift manager. “Diddly*” means to “diddle” or flick rub one’s own sin stick or devil bean. “Squat” is the act of bending at the knees to lower the posterior just above the ground, usually to lift something low or, if lacking conventional facilities, to discharge poopy.

The term “diddly-squat” should be banned from B.L.U.F.F. campuses and all of society. I have already filed the required paperwork to petition the eldership for action. Join me, my dear brothers and sisters. Do not use the phrase “diddly-squat.” Please contact your local B.L.U.F.F. Eldership Administration. With the support of the B.L.U.F.F. Faithful, I have great confidence that the term “diddly-squat” will be expurged from the B.L.U.F.F. Normals Dictionary of Decency.

* Some may be familiar with the television show, “The Simpsons,” where the godly neighbor character uses the term.