History / Lexicon / Morals

Pioneers In Anti-Masturbation: Benjamin Franklin


Deep with the annuls of history, there have been great non-masturbators, today we speak of one of the greatest: Benjamin Franklin

In the early 18th century, Benjamin Franklin appeared in a blinding flash of light somewhere in Siam. He emerged from the crater a fully grown bespectacled man. Knowing he was in an Asian country of masturbatory Mexicans, he instinctively flew to Philadelphia, then simply known as “here” he took one look at it, and then wrote a rap-music beat poem about his vision for it’s future. Upon it’s mere utterance, a huge city and iron works appeared.

Such a  miraculous appearance of a majestic and highly industrial city and near-metropolitan area, attracted the leaders of the area, the wicked English! The English, long ago having withered up, and having dressed their armies like sissies, would have none of this strange being upstaging their attempted to slaughter savages and exploit the natural resources of The New World.

The American colonies were rife with masturbation, so much so, that the English had taken to calling the residents Yankee Doodle Dandies, yet one mighty city, the Philadelphia remained staunchly anti-masturbatory, and in mere weeks, it’s citizens, commanded by Benjamin Franklin invented everything we now depend on, including the light bulb, Playstation 4, and cheese-steaks.


Soon the there was some tea or something, and a guy threw a silver spoon at a tower lantern, and war began. The Englishes invaded, but the Benjamin Franklin tech-upgrades and huge assault mechas defeated the mounted lancers and pikemen of the English.

The victorious colonists then quit masturbating, and instead turned their activities to slaughtering the resource-dependent natives.

Benjamin Franklin was rightfully credited with the victory, and then invented prison, and the rest of everything in the world.


Things was tough for the New USA, but that didn’t stop Benjamin Franklin from partying 24-7, and even inventing a way to do the pots without getting “High-Wasted”. He then used this method to talk to God himself, who would in-turn, send mad women to Benjamin Franklin, for a reason forever lost to history.  During this time it was all the rage to have noble women bed Franklin, who being 100% game, successfully impregnated every one of them, making all European royalty his descendants.

The USA would go on to endlessly prosper as the best place in history of all time, forever. As reward for this prosperity he was put on the $100 bill note to forever keep us on our collective USA game.


Sometime in the end of the 20th century, the algorithm that was the downloaded consciousness of Benjamin Franklin’s own mind, ceased to perform it’s regular tasks of analyzing quantum reactions, and instead said ” This is what can be achieved if you stop masturbation, now. “ and deactivated permanently, but not before discovering infinite free-energy cold fusion.

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6 years ago

I would have been honored to procreate with such a fine, upstanding superior male.

A Smart Guy
A Smart Guy
6 years ago

What. The. Fuck. Who was your history teacher?

Black Jesus
Black Jesus
6 years ago

Man my main nigga Franny man I watched him jerk off for 6 hours once man that muthafucker is crazy

6 years ago

Whites have the coolest history.