Science

Have You Been Touched By The Hand of God?

 

We here at Stop Masturbation Now Ministries often hear the dribble from masturbators that “Too much build-up of sperm in your system is un-healthy.” While that is partially true, it is not entirely true.

Have you ever wondered why nobody dies from too much build-up? After all, people die if they have too many marijuannas in their system. Why don’t they die if they have too much sperm in their system? The answer is simple. If you have too much seminal fluid built up in your body, God will relieve you of it.

You heard me correctly. If your levels of seminal fluid are dangerously high, God himself will touch your soul in such a way that your body releases its seminal fluid. This is a spiritual experience that happens during your dreams. Afterwards, you wake up and find that your fluid has been released from your body.

Because God is touching your soul, there is nothing homogay about the experience. While you may work your body like a two-stroke motor for release of your fluid, God simply pushes a button on your soul and the job is done. Nobody touches your sin-stick, not you, not God, not some other guy. Most non-masturbators who experience this often report dreaming of beautiful and alluring same-race women, during these dreams.

If you are considering masturbation, I encourage you to consider allowing the hand of God to do what comes naturally.

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Nigel Covington
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Dear Mr. McKey, I’m very pleased to see you cover this subject matter. Not many journalists today are willing to cover such a sensitive topic. As I’m sure you no doubt remember from the days of your youth before marriage, maintaining one’s abstinence until after being wed to your same race / opposite gender Christian wife is at times very difficult. I’ve known a few good Christian friends from my college days who’s build up of God’s holy seminal procreation fluid proved to be so overwhelming that they lowered themselves to self-rape. A couple of these friends who felt they… Read more »

Jimmy
Guest
Jimmy

Lemmy (liam), please stop the charade. We all know that you are a world famous sin stick masseuse. Take off that silly, jism stain encrusted cowboy hat, shave and come on over and suckle my sin stick. Hopefully we can get cathy REDMOUND to clean up and truffle to revive my flaccid sin stick. Once that’s done, I’m going to want to explore your sin cave. Also, you need to work on your kagels, you been loosening up quite a bit lately…

Mark sharpe
Guest
Mark sharpe

You really need to get a grip on life and stop living in a dream world. You talk complete and utter bullshit. Who gives a shit. We are animals created by evolution. We live to eat sleep and breed. Part of breeding is self masturbation. We have raised above our urges to some extend the main one being racist sexist homophones that we used to be, well some of us have anyway. They are the people that need to change not the people who fight for equal rights and same sex marriages and interacial couples. They are the people I… Read more »

Jimmy
Guest
Jimmy

*you’ve been loosening…

Liam McKey
Guest

Thank you Nigel for your words of support, from one journalist to another.

satan
Guest
satan

I MASTURBATE DAILY

John
Guest
John

I had this and pornhub open at the same time. You sure as hell know what I did…

Mark sharpe
Guest
Mark sharpe

Whilst it is true that nobody has died from ‘build up’ is certainly isn’t the Lord that takes it away. It actually gets recycled by the body and absorbed and reused. I despise this for two main reasons. Firstly you are preaching something completely fake and secondly it could have serious effects on someone’s mental state. What’s to say someone hasn’t read this and felt disgusted and horrified with themselves, so much so it makes them spiral into depression so bad that they end up doing something Un thinkable. Thinking in your ridiculous and frankly abhorrent frame of mind surely… Read more »

lol
Guest
lol

I like turtles

lol
Guest
lol

masturbation is good for me from edward

NeverTouchedMyDevilStick
Guest
NeverTouchedMyDevilStick

God as touched my dong and masturbated for me. What should I do now?

Liam McKey
Guest

Did you really report our holy netsite to the Internet police?

Hebrew Sage
Guest
Hebrew Sage

I love this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8gp9RcToi8

You got 2 hands. You should use ’em to pray.

Maxwell Frenchroast
Guest
Maxwell Frenchroast

imgur sent me here therefore imgur is your God, but not my God

Alex
Guest
Alex

It was non-consensual.

ISIS
Guest
ISIS

God touched me with his hand. He fucking jerked my hard cock.