Lifestyle / Self-Rape Prevention / Trending

Seven Things You Can Expect When Quitting Masturbation

KEY LARGO, FLA. — For those serious about taking their physical, emotional and spiritual health back into their own hands, here are seven great things you can expect after quitting masturbation once and for all.

1. Increased self-confidence. Since masturbation results in self-doubt, self-loathing and general disorientation, your focus as well as your self-image will improve greatly once you stop. You’ll have more energy and will go through your daily life beaming happiness, self-assurance and serenity. You will also have fewer chances of being involved in a fatal motor vehicle accident.

Increased self-confidence

Increased self-confidence

2.  Increased stamina and vitality. The psycho-sexual impact of self-abuse is terrible. Giving it up is essentially a win-win all around. Your partner will thank you from permanently refraining, and you’ll have no need for The Viagra or Horny Goat Weeds any more.

Increased stamina and vitality

Increased stamina and vitality

3. Better eyesight. The majority of masturbators have to be prescribed coke-bottle glasses by the time they reach the 9th grade. Apart from eating carrots, it has been shown that
deficient vision can be reversed – at least partially – by ceasing the act of self-rape.

Better eyesight

Better eyesight

4. More and better romantic dates. Since you’ll be spending far less time beating the bishop, it goes without saying that you’ll instantly start attracting the opposite sex. Get out of the friend zone and into the end zone!

Date night - every night!

Date night – every night!

5. Trust. Your friends, family members, co-workers and yes, even your pets will trust you more because they will instinctively sense that you are not raping them in your mind.

Trust

Trust

6. Decreased risk of disease. Some of you may have masturbation-related diseases already. But if you don’t and you stop, your chances for getting The Herbies, The Gnat Bread, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome or The Bad AIDS are greatly reduced if not eliminated.

Decreased risk of disease

Decreased risk of disease

7. Taking the Divine Sacrament of FaithGasm™. This holy and divine rite, used by Brother Lonnie’s followers to achieve the highest mortal level of bliss, is only open to those who have eliminated ejaculatory masturbation from their lives and accepted Lonnie Childs and his Holy Word into their life. It allows Lonnie’s followers to obtain a most sublime taste of the paradise they have earned.

0011faithgspot

Masturbation – not even once. FaithGasm – Every. Single. Time.

Yes, it sucks to be you, masturbators. Stop it now and take your health and your life back, today!

From the desk of:

Prof. Milton H. Grits
Director of The Modesty in Media Project
Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts™

With kind encouragement and assistance from
Sister K. Truffle
B.L.U.F.F. UK

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Darkblitzfrenzyscooter mcshooterIama manTruffle Recent comment authors
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Truffle
Member

No.7 makes abstinence from self-rape so worthwhile. A FaithGasm™ is the purest form of euphoria, anyone can experience with Lonnie’s love. I am blessed with multiples.

Praise!

Iama man
Guest
Iama man

nice cult you got here but i think i’m gonna continue masturbation with my girlfriend. I suggest everyone who believes this stuff, should go pleasure themselves right now. It’ll help you feel better.

Truffle
Member

We are not a cult, for tax purposes. However, we are C hristians, U nited by, L onnies, T eachings.

Praying AT you!

Darkblitzfrenzy
Guest
Darkblitzfrenzy

what does that spell? CULT.
you have made a grave mistake Sister Truffles, you, Lonnie, and the rest of his followers now that we know the true nature of your operation!

Truffle
Member

That is just typical of a masturhater with a single digit I.Q. to read between the lines. Quit self-raping and you’ll give yourself a chance of returning to normal!

scooter mcshooter
Guest
scooter mcshooter

I just masturbated 7 times. I might go rape my black blow up doll now.

Truffle
Member

Congratulations, you just received a one-way ticket to triple hell, non-transferable. No need to pack your non-normal doll, Satan has plenty to occupy you with. Savage!