SAFFORD, ARIZ. — Here at Stop Masturbation Now, we eschew the practice of ejaculatory orgasm as a wasteful and sinful release. Our mission is to educate you of its negative physical and spiritual consequences. Ever since Onan spilled his seed upon the ground, men have been shooting putty with their sin stick and women have spent a lot of time spelunking in their sin caves. The results are just about everything that’s wrong with society – which we have covered in countless other articles and posts.
In addition to being one of the top ten causes of disease, masturbation can precipitate severe psychosexual impairment, not to mention a heap of shame and ridicule from others, from your partner and most importantly, from yourself. It will sap your vitality and decrease your longevity. Fertility in women also suffers from masturbation. Studies by the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow have researched these topics in depth and copies are available on request from the Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts™ library for a small fee.
We understand the impulse to self-rape can be strong in some individuals. It is those to whom we extend a loving hand and help them quit their repulsive addiction. Bear with me as I explain the weird but simple trick Brother Lonnie’s followers use to obtain blissful ecstasy – in a safe and Biblical manner.
Some time after his conversion and enlightenment, Brother Lonnie Childs discovered something far better than coaxing yourself into ejaculatory orgasm. His deep understanding of man, God and nature led him to formulate a magical experience heretofore unrivaled in other systems of belief and sexual practices: the FaithGasm™.
Members of Brother Lonnie’s covenant use this practice – a very gift of the Holy Spirit – whenever they want to attain a taste of the true paradise they have earned. Other faiths and churches have come close, but none has achieved this unparalleled aroused state of euphoric grace. To be sure, many of our flock are able to attain multiple FaithGasms at one time.
Brother Lonnie’s methods include specialized breathing techniques, careful channeling of spiritual energy, “pressing the collection plate,” and hitting the fabled F-Spot. However, this is proprietary information and only taught to students enrolled on B.L.U.F.F. campuses in Arizona, Idaho, Ohio as well as in the U.K. and The Netherlands. These experiences dramatically enhance one’s relationship with God and with oneself, and we are living proof.
Masturbation – not even once. FaithGasm™ – Every. Single. Time.