Tina's Law

Masturbation Made Illegal In All 50 States

The scourge of masturbation is now on its death throes as the efforts of Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs and a recent decision by the Supreme Court has made “Tina’s Law” mandatory in all 50 states. “Tina’s Law”, named after black singing sensation Tina Turner has made masturbation illegal with fines, imprisonment and forced registration on the sex offender list.

Brother Lonnie has been long ready for this day and has already made appointments to the Council of Morality which enforces Tina’s Law. Members of the council include non-masturbating hipped-hopped rhymer MattyB, Christian TV superstar Josh Duggar, former Patriots kicking sensation Adam Vinatieri, the ghost of John Wayne, August Weisz and other lesser known deacons.

NFL kicking sensation on short list of candidates for South Dakota's Council of Morality

NFL kicking sensation now on the National Council of Morality.

We are aware that this news will be met with skepticism and outright lies from the agents of Big Masturbation so we encourage you to take the “Tina Challenge”.  Go masturbate in front of a police officer and see what happens.

Christians are encouraged to spy on their family, friends and neighbors in order to monitor their masturbation habits and to film any acts of self-rape to be turned over to the Council of Morality as evidence of criminal activity.  The Council will view said footage many, many times and feverishly pray long and hard to best determine a proper punishment.  After fifteen minutes of rest they shall watch the footage again while praying long and hard again to make sure the ruling is just.  Brother Lonnie’s Christian Unified Militia or CUM for short will then carry out the sentence in accordance to the Council’s wishes.

In a prepared statement Brother Lonnie spoke to the faithful: “Since I was a youth of 15 when mother caught me masturbating to a picture of black singing pop superstar Tina Turner I have dreamed of nothing else but the eradication of masturbation. Today that dream is a reality.  This is for the children of America.  From now on when parents consider masturbating it is my hope that they think of their children.  Tina…we did it! Praise!”

 

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Jimmy
Jimmy
5 years ago

Carlos, how can you be a “former lifelong Echo & the Bunnymen fan”? Does that mean that you’ve died and returned? On a side note, are you going to be attending this week’s circle jerk? I’m going to be standing next to Liam (aka Lemmy from Motorhead) he needs a little bit of added support what with the mess we made on his hat and everything, please tell him that it still looks good on him and DON’T mention that jism residue that the dry cleaners couldn’t quite get out, he’s super sensitive. I’ll be stroking his sin stick, but… Read more »

augustweisz
Admin
5 years ago

I cannot wait to judge all these masturbators!

augustweisz
Admin
5 years ago
Reply to  augustweisz

Typical, you didn’t even read the article.

Jimmy
Jimmy
5 years ago
Reply to  Carlos Danger

Carlos, I want to peel off that sexy eye patch and skull fuck you in your eye socket. I think that you would have more brains in your skull with my swimmers floating around your skull than you’ve got now!

Praise

Liam McKey
5 years ago

I feel better knowing that law enforcement now has the tools necessary to rid this country of masturbators.

Sarah
5 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

The fuck is wrong with you?? Of you don’t like peoplte masturbating then kill yourself (please chose this option) or get he fuck out believe me when I say no body will miss you lol

Jimmy
Jimmy
5 years ago

Are you a judge augustweisz?

Jimmy
Jimmy
5 years ago

I feel better with a nice warm load of my jism in my own tummy.

Jimmy
Jimmy
5 years ago

That is NOT my post trolls!

Merle Chimball
Merle Chimball
5 years ago

Praise! I am a soldier of CUM and I stand united ready to punish the sinning self rapists. I have bene watching masturbation videos of family members all day for the last few weeks as preparation for my role in CUM.

Jimmy
Jimmy
5 years ago

Merle, you look like you just got off of the movie set of “DELIVERANCE 2”! If i see you at the circle jerk tonight I’m going to make you squeal like a pig while i rape your fat cracker ass!

Praise

iMasturbate
iMasturbate
5 years ago

This website is just one big sick fucking joke. “CUM” I mean really? CUM?

Truman
Truman
5 years ago

I came to this website

Cliff Burton
Cliff Burton
5 years ago

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IDbe4Y9Mr4 I saw the gap again today, While you were begging me to stay. Take care not to make me enter If I do we both may disappear. You know that I will choke until I swallow… Choke this infant here before me. What is this but my reflection? Who am I to judge or strike you down? But you’re pushing and shoving me. [8x] You still love me, you still love me but you didn’t need to shit on me. You still love me, you still love me and she didn’t mean to pushit on me. Rest your trigger… Read more »

NotTina
4 years ago

This is a joke, right? Oh my god, y’all have issues if this is what you think is wrong with the world.