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Suicidal Masturbator Disrupts Travel At Chicago Airports

Travelers trying to use Chicago’s two major airports, Midway and O’Hare, on Friday were met with extreme delays and cancelled flights after a fire at the air traffic control center in Aurora, Illinois. Due to the fire, not only were flights into Chicago either cancelled or delayed, but it created a ripple effect that affected airports across the U.S. and parts of Snow Mexico. As annoying as this incident was, it was made all the more aggravating when it was revealed that a suicidal masturbator was likely the cause of the fire.

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Thanks, masturbator.

Bryan Howard, a 36-year-old contract employee, has been arrested and faces being charged with one felony count of destruction of aircraft or aircraft facilities. The mainstream media is claiming that Howard was “suicidal” and that he set the fire while “attempting to cut himself with a knife”. They explained that he had “cuts on his wrist” when he was found in the burning facility. Of course, Big Masturbation is already covering up the fact that this delusional man was masturbating at the time of the accident.

Faith Fire Marshal, Adam Horton explains, “It’s pretty clear what happened in Aurora today. It is a new trend with masturbators to cut themselves in extreme situations where they need a lubricant. This individual was likely so far down the hole of masturbation depression he couldn’t help himself. Having only seen the preliminary findings, via a friend in the Chicagoland fire safety industry, I think the fire was accidental. I would suspect it will be discovered that this man either slipped on his own blood or potentially on his own semen and knocked something over to cause the fire. Once the smoke kicked up, in his likely weakened and ill condition, he just collapsed until he was rescued.”

Many travelers expressed their rage at their travel plans being cancelled or changed. “Some dude almost died and now I can’t go to this concert I had tickets for in weeks. This is bull***t” emoted Frank Vargas of Cleveland, Ohio. Jenna Thompson of St. Paul, MN was equally upset, “This is incredible. I’m now stranded here and have no way to get home to Chicago. Thanks, Obama.”

As of Friday afternoon, flights had resumed on a limited schedule at both O’Hare and Midway airports. All told, nearly 2000 flights were cancelled outright. This is another stark reminder of the damage just one irresponsible act of masturbation can cause for America.

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scooter mcshooter
scooter mcshooter
6 years ago

Great story Cathy!

Waderssucksdick
Waderssucksdick
6 years ago

haha serious? cut yourself to use your blood as lube? you guys are so stupid… its called spit, why would someone cut themselves to jerk off? I use my spit… maybe you guys are the ones who should cut yourselves… seriously jerking off is normal, animals do it, I’m sure you have done it even though you claim to be a Jesus loving zealot… I’m sure every single person in this world has played with themselves… get over yourselves, get a normal life and stop telling others how to live.

Bruce Reed
Bruce Reed
6 years ago

Pretty serious, I think. Most people tend to be dehyrdrated all of the time. Considering this man was stressed and upset even more so. If he tried to use spit he likely got nothing or just spitfoam which likely wouldn’t lubricate his penis properly. If he was looking to upset his employers, which seems to be the most likely scenario so far, then he was probably pressed for time. It’s one thing to be caught with your pants down, it’s another to be caught masturbating in a control room.

Liam McKey
6 years ago

You spit on yourself, prior to raping yourself? That “agrivated self-rape” which carries a more serious sentance.

scooter mcshooter
scooter mcshooter
6 years ago

You must be some extremely faithful people to selflessly spread this message. I will praise you in celebration!!!!

scooter mcshooter
scooter mcshooter
6 years ago

Hahaha good work. I’ll be back