Theme Park Roller Coaster Catches Fire, Collapses; Masturbation Likely Cause

In yet another incident of “roller jerking“, the Colossus roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain park in Valencia, California received major fire and structural damage on Monday. Although the park was closed at the time, speculation is that an extreme tier masturbator snuck into the park and walked up to the peak of the coaster track. There, this alleged deviant most likely masturbated while getting an additional thrill from the view at the top of the recently closed coaster. From there, officials differ on what may have happened to cause the blaze.

Six Flags posted on their official Twitter for the “Magic Mountain” park that “Contractors were working on disassembly of ride. Ride has been closed for renovation since August 17.” and that allegedly no one received injuries in the fire and subsequent collapse.

Faith Structural Engineer Nathan Singleton, F.C.E. disagreed with Six Flags’s assessment. “Any contractor worth their salt would not allow something like this to happen during the dismantling or renovation of a structure such as ‘Colossus’. I realize that they (Six Flags) are likely spinning this for public relations reasons, but this fire has all of the makings of a masturbation accident. It’s ‘Faith Civil Engineering 101’ that masturbator seed is highly toxic and flammable. I suspect that at some point in the 12 hours preceding the fire, a thrill seeker ‘christened’ the track of the coaster with their sin seed. After that, all it took was one spark from a machine dismantling the ride and the next thing you know it’s a wildfire. Considering how caustic semen is in general to wood and metal, the collapse was not even necessarily related to the fire. These kinds of things happen all of the time because of poor sanitary conditions at theme parks and the type of deviant teenagers that are drawn to those types of places.”

‘Colossus’ was undergoing a renovation into a new coaster called ‘Twisted Colossus’ and the project has a completion date of 2015 according to the park’s official website. It is unknown how far back this incident will set the renovation project.