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Theme Park Roller Coaster Catches Fire, Collapses; Masturbation Likely Cause

In yet another incident of “roller jerking“, the Colossus roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain park in Valencia, California received major fire and structural damage on Monday. Although the park was closed at the time, speculation is that an extreme tier masturbator snuck into the park and walked up to the peak of the coaster track. There, this alleged deviant most likely masturbated while getting an additional thrill from the view at the top of the recently closed coaster. From there, officials differ on what may have happened to cause the blaze.

Six Flags posted on their official Twitter for the “Magic Mountain” park that “Contractors were working on disassembly of ride. Ride has been closed for renovation since August 17.” and that allegedly no one received injuries in the fire and subsequent collapse.

Faith Structural Engineer Nathan Singleton, F.C.E. disagreed with Six Flags’s assessment. “Any contractor worth their salt would not allow something like this to happen during the dismantling or renovation of a structure such as ‘Colossus’. I realize that they (Six Flags) are likely spinning this for public relations reasons, but this fire has all of the makings of a masturbation accident. It’s ‘Faith Civil Engineering 101’ that masturbator seed is highly toxic and flammable. I suspect that at some point in the 12 hours preceding the fire, a thrill seeker ‘christened’ the track of the coaster with their sin seed. After that, all it took was one spark from a machine dismantling the ride and the next thing you know it’s a wildfire. Considering how caustic semen is in general to wood and metal, the collapse was not even necessarily related to the fire. These kinds of things happen all of the time because of poor sanitary conditions at theme parks and the type of deviant teenagers that are drawn to those types of places.”

‘Colossus’ was undergoing a renovation into a new coaster called ‘Twisted Colossus’ and the project has a completion date of 2015 according to the park’s official website. It is unknown how far back this incident will set the renovation project.

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Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago

I love you Cathy Redmound I want to FUCK MY OWN FATHER RIGHT IN HIS PEE HOLE! And after an hour or two I WILL LURE CHILDREN INTO MY VAN TO MAKE CHILD PORNOGRAPHICS!

Praise.

Truffle
7 years ago
Reply to  Jimmy

Jimmy, I’d like to speak to your SRAS, please. That’s no way for a married man of 14 years, to behave…or are you lying and in fact a HomoGay™ savage?

Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago

Shut up bitch I’ll let you know when I’m done fucking my dog. Why don’t you suck you thumb or Korean Jesus until I require your fluffing services. And when you’re done I’ll get back to MAKING BESTIALITY PORNOGRAPHICS!

Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago

Suck your thumb or Korean Jesus. It’s hard to type on my phone while I’m WATCHING CHILD PORNOGRAPHICS!

Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago

You see Fluffle the reverend and others fucked with me and now I’m going to continue to watch homogay porn until my peen is raw!

Lonnie Childs
Admin
7 years ago

Roller Coasters are made in Sweden and we all know about their liberal attitudes towards masturbation. Praying now.

bet4band
7 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

hi lonnie

Korean Judah
Korean Judah
7 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Lonnie i bet you smack one out everynight dude and id love to fuck the shit out of Cathy Redmond

Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago

Shut up Connie don’t disturb me when I’m trying to fuck a cat, trying to FUCK THIS PUSSY until I start to go soft. Until then shut up bitch!

Truffle
7 years ago
Reply to  Jimmy

What on Earth has gotten into you, Jimmy!? I believe you need a good exorcism! Satan has a firm grip on you now.

Praying with all my holy lesser gendered being, in your general direction!

Truffle
7 years ago
Reply to  Cathy Redmond

I try my best, Cathy. We are reprogrammed to never give up on the victims of self-rape, as much as they abuse and threaten us, as Jimmy has done to us both.

Korean Judah
Korean Judah
7 years ago

I hope you guys know i love you Korean Jesus and jimmy the rest of you guys are fucking retarted “oh masturbation is bad well i love madturbation you guys are crazy as fuck like you guys are all Christian or what ever you dumbfuck a are but god kind of created madturbation where else would man get it from you idiots

Korean Judah
Korean Judah
7 years ago

Lonnie’s gay