All loving parents want to raise their children in a masturbation free household and make sure their children grow up free of: sin, STDs, pregnancy and the gay. We all know to remove bedroom doors, spank the gay out of them from time to time, and rub hot sauce on their hands. But which brand of hot sauce is the right one for you and your family? The following brands are SMN approved and have various applications.
Tabasco: The old family favorite is still king in most Caucasian American households. It’s made in the USA on Avery Island, Louisiana. This vinegar based hot sauce will not only give your teenager’s genitals a glimpse into the future of what masturbators face for eternity after death, the vinegar also serves as a disinfectant, helping to maintain proper hygiene.
Sriracha: This chili and garlic mixture has the heat necessary to keep your teenager pure, yet has enough garlic to repel Mexicans. This product will ensure that you can look someone in the eye when you tell him or her that your family does not masturbate, and the garlic means never having to lie by saying your son in-law is a “Spaniard.” An additional benefit is the oriental writing on the bottle, which is a warning label from the Surgeon-General of Japan, pertaining to the risks of masturbation.
Frank’s RedHot: This little number from Missouri is famous for being the main ingredient in the original Buffalo Wing. It is also a perfect replacement for people who don’t like Cajun or Oriental sauces. Put this in your daughter’s underwear drawer and you will never encounter the smell of cat food on her fingers again.
Dave’s Insanity Sauce: When parents of a masturbating teenager need to call 911, they pick this up, instead of the telephone. This is the atom bomb you drop on a chronic masturbating teen. Dave’s ranks highest on the Scoville scale for masturbation avoidance/punishment.
The above topical treatments are guaranteed to keep your teenager sin-free. Remember that you can also apply these products to the food of your teenage son or daughter, giving them what is known as a “hot seat” or “fire ass” which will protect them in case they get raped by a gay.
This is great information. A must read for every parent.
I think should Saint Lonnie ever decide to curse me with children, that I will use a sauce engineered by the fapanese. Sriacha is a mighty fine ornamental sauce and its also my understanding that the garlic will repel lesbian vampires. Praise on High!
I don’t see how this is even relevant. Doesn’t anyone use the Anti-Masturbation Cross anymore?!
It could be useful during the shipping and handling period.
My wayward son decided to test my resolve. Let’s just say he rubbed the tip damn near off.
The guys at the yogurt factory I worked at pranked me once with the Insanity Sauce in my yogurt making strap. It was not a pleasant experience. While I’ve never masturbating, due to the yogurt factory experience, I can say that you do not want the Insanity Sauce anywhere near your sin zones.
*I’ve never masturbated (not masturbatING right now either. Praise Lonnie.)
Hahahahahahah. Fuck you all Go to hell
I keep the mini bottles of Dave’s Insanity Hot sauce in my Church Van to toss on the vagrant Non-Normals who hold up hand printed cardboard signs, at the freeway off ramp, that read “Will Self-Rape for Food” I few drops of the Old Dave’s Insanity Baptismal Sauce and streets are safe for the Normals again.
It rubs the Tabasco on Its skin, Or else it goes to Hell for sin >:D