Is Masturbation Destroying The Climate?

The Answer Is Yes!

Texas maybe? Or Burbank? Or ANYWHERE! Thanks Masturbation!


A chilling result of a study, released by Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts, and The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow, entitled: “Masturbation Residue And It’s Effects On The Global Climate “ outlines the direct impact of the masturbator and it’s filth, on the peaceful, God-fearing innocent peoples of the world, and all of God’s creation.

MRFP at 100X magnifications
MRFP at 100X magnifications

The Masturbation Residue Film Particle, or MRFP, is the pollutant that clogs both air and water, and has been proven to cause Downs Syndrome, Abnormalness, and Australianism. This minuscule particle is what happens to sexual fluids after a heathen self-rapes, and it evaporates into the air and dissolves into the water supply. MRFP have also been speculated to cause all known types of epidemic cancer.

In addition to extreme toxicity, the MRFP have been found to physically alter the properties of air itself, making it impossible to regulate heat correctly, and thus ruining the climate indefinitely.

Ridiculous and terrifying weather scenarios depicting El Ninos, Polar Vortexes, Sno-Pocalypse, Fire Tsunami, and even Fire-Tsunami-Sharknadoes have been simulated at B.L.U.F.F Computational Science Center and Animal Rendering Center, to within 75% accuracy.

Most Lonvidians and Normals need have no concern, as they are heavily entrenched in their Lonnie Childs approved bunkers, and are impervious to the weather, but heathens and non-normals are advised to panic heavily, and purchase immense quantity of bottled water and K-Rations.

About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

37 Comments on Is Masturbation Destroying The Climate?

  1. When will the peoples and governments of the world unite to end the tragic scourge of self rape? Do they not cherish this planet in which we live and raise our precious children?

  2. Omfg, this is too good!! The only people who masterbate are the ones who aren’t brave enough to go out and conquer the pussy, so thus they masterbate since they lack the proper skills to get a slice for themselves.
    I mean come on… Its the 21st century, I can go and get laid any day or time that I want, but do I go and f*** everything with a heartbeat? No, I do not, and I don’t masterbate either.
    My point is people, do you know how many people would have to be jerking off on an everyday basis for it to effect the world’s climate… A Ridiculous Amount of individuals, too many.
    If there is any truth to this statement, which I doubt since it has Libtard written all over it…
    Wake up people, don’t jerk it, if you want that feeling go and find you a woman to love. Lmao
    Studies show that climate change, aka global warming/cooling are nothing but a myth created by the democratic party in order to try to gain more power over civilians… its true, look it up.

  3. Also, the term “Self-rape” is nonexistent. There is no such act, nor has there ever been, nor will there ever be.
    Allow me to explain why…

    Rape: [reyp] Noun
    Unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the conscent of the victim.

    The definition of rape alone discounts the nonexistent term “self-rape” that you people have tried to create, reason being because whenever some dipshit*t decides to jerk it… Its a personal choice that they made themselves, so they are not a victim of rape, since no such act took place.
    You guys are why people hate and mock Christian folk, your weak minded, your “anti-masturbation cross”… that is a sick form of child abuse and people can lawfully sue you for creating such a device to place a child in.
    Do you know why you could be sued…? Because if your sick enough to place a child in that device you are unlawfully restraining the child with a from of bodily restraint when no crime was committed, which is equal to holding the child hostage if revealed in a court of law… did you think about that??? Because its the truth!! Child Protective Services can lawfully take away your children if you placed them in that device, and they should if you do.
    I’m not insulting anyone, I’m being brutally honest, using legal terms, and informing you of a crime being committed if your device is used on any human, regardless of age, ask a Law Enforcement Officer… they will tell you exactly what I have…

  4. Big D is wrong! Consensual sex requires two or more people to consent. Rape only requires the consent of one person, The Rapist. By masturbating, you are the only person consenting; hence, you are the rapist and you are raping yourself.

    • You do realize you just proved yourself wrong, right? See masturbation only needs one person, meaning one consent, much like how in a threesome all 3 people must consent, it isn’t rape because as the only person in the sexual act you are the only person needed to give consent. Your logic here is basically saying that by making yourself food and eating it your being force-fed, masturbation is a choice that any person can do or not do by their own free will, needing only their consent

  5. the only thing cancerous here is the bullshit thats strewn about this entire website . theres so much made up shit here i think my IQ dropped a little . guess what , people masturbate . its natural . and its no one elses buisness but theirs , and if youre a parent and you shame your kids for doing it , then shame on you for lying and teaching them the wrong thing . thankfully im an atheist so i dont have to live my life on my knees , cause man thats pathetic . heres a suggestion : KNOW YOUR FACTS BEFORE YOU WRITE ” ARTICLES ” ON MASTURBATION ETC . stop confusing kids and teenagers , the only thing unnatural here is your perception of it .

  6. I wonder how much the owner of this site ears by getting close minded Christians come to this site and view his ads everyday.
    Nice use of those uneducated idiots you are making.

    It’s like a cult where the master is going to ditch them all eventually after getting what he wants.
    Keep up the good work.

  7. Good job, you not only made up your own cause to the apocalypse but also reference an article with no grounds to stand on. Also you can’t cause Australianism as it is the act of being loyal to the Australian government it falls under the same category as believing in and being loyal to god.

  8. lmao. The comments attempting to debunk your sarcasm *almost* validate the claims therein. It is beyond mindbending that there are those who will not only take a pro/con stance, but will attempt to turn it into a political debate.

    For the author: What is your evidence that the image isn’t a 100x magnification of a parasitic trollbait (PTB)?

    …well done, friend.

  9. I just wanted everyone to know that this is very serious! I live in Seattle, and every time I’ve gotten the horrible and dirty urge to touch my girl parts, I wind up ejaculating fluid all over my bed! That’s disgusting! Worse, it starts to rain every time! I just wish I could keep these horrible urges to myself. =(

  10. What kind of retarded shit is this, what the fuck? By the way, that’s a picture of a Paramacrobiotus kenlanus. It has nothing to do with masturbation.

    Thanks for giving me cancer you fucking primates.

  11. This website makes me so sad. You are literally lying to people with fake pictures. The picture in this article that you falsely portray as an MRFP is a Tardigrade. YOU are sinning. You’re articles make no sense. If anyone reads this and believes anything on this site PLEASE know this site is total misinformation. None of it is true. This person is very lost and needs serious help. Do not believe anything on this site! All lies. The creator of this site is not a person who understands or respects God. Or this site is created for entertainment/comedy purposes. I can’t even tell that is HOW unreal this information is. Kids please dont believe any of this site it will contaminate your soul.

  12. Alright, so the person who wrote this article is obviously really fuckin stupid. He apparently claims to be a powerful wizard, so I won’t take anything seriously from him. And just a heads up to all of you bigoted idiots commenting about self rape, masturbation is one of the most natural things on this planet,it’s not causing climate change its not creating natural disasters and it isn’t giving us diseases. If you had a working cell in your brain you would realize that touching your dick/vagina (which has no connection to plants/animals etc.) Won’t do anything to change the climate of the earth or make a hole in the ocean or some stupid shit like that, and hey if you think masturbation is that bad why don’t you try it before shitting all over it…don’t knock it before you try it right, anyways. And hey Thomas Kelly, if you’re such a powerful wizard and hate masturbation that much, why don’t you just stop it with your wizard powers huh?? Haha…ugh you guys are so stupid…

  13. The picture of the MRFP is actually a Tardigrade, also known as the water bear which is a micro-animal that is known for being the most resilient organism on the planet. I thought Christians didn’t believe in science

  14. How about i say that the MRFP is actually the tardigrade, a miniscule creature that poses nl harm to any living being, and can survive in the vacuum of space? Please, look it up and discover the real truth about this. STOPLIES.ORG

  15. I can’t believe I’m posting here. People have been masturbating since the dawn on humanity. What makes it cause disasters now?

Comments are closed.