Science / Supernatural Disaster / Weather / World

Is Masturbation Destroying The Climate?

SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN)

A chilling result of a study, released by Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts, and The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow, entitled: “Masturbation Residue And It’s Effects On The Global Climate “ outlines the direct impact of the masturbator and it’s filth, on the peaceful, God-fearing innocent peoples of the world, and all of God’s creation.

MRFP at 100X magnifications

MRFP at 100X magnifications

The Masturbation Residue Film Particle, or MRFP, is the pollutant that clogs both air and water, and has been proven to cause Downs Syndrome, Abnormalness, and Australianism. This minuscule particle is what happens to sexual fluids after a heathen self-rapes, and it evaporates into the air and dissolves into the water supply. MRFP have also been speculated to cause all known types of epidemic cancer.

In addition to extreme toxicity, the MRFP have been found to physically alter the properties of air itself, making it impossible to regulate heat correctly, and thus ruining the climate indefinitely.

Ridiculous and terrifying weather scenarios depicting El Ninos, Polar Vortexes, Sno-Pocalypse, Fire Tsunami, and even Fire-Tsunami-Sharknadoes have been simulated at B.L.U.F.F Computational Science Center and Animal Rendering Center, to within 75% accuracy.

Most Lonvidians and Normals need have no concern, as they are heavily entrenched in their Lonnie Childs approved bunkers, and are impervious to the weather, but heathens and non-normals are advised to panic heavily, and purchase immense quantity of bottled water and K-Rations.

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Cassidy Pen
4 years ago

When will the peoples and governments of the world unite to end the tragic scourge of self rape? Do they not cherish this planet in which we live and raise our precious children?

Lonnie Childs
4 years ago

How many more supernatural disasters does this world need to endure before the sheeple WAKE UP to the very real DANGERS of self-rape! Praying now.

ripharambe101
ripharambe101
3 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

are Ya’ll just mentally disabled or something, have you guys never heard of a natural disaster that doesn’t involve religion, and or claimed to be true acts of God. Its called science and it explains a lot about why things happen on earth and masturbation isn’t really involved in any of it… so take hint please.

Nips Comeoff
Nips Comeoff
3 years ago
Reply to  ripharambe101

The website is a parody thing.
Here are some words of “encouragement”

https://i.reddituploads.com/f848b0db3f7946ffac03702222414438?fit=max&h=1536&w=1536&s=5476bf3bb5e917c4f3385f6a1896fb63

comment image

No, it isn’t porn that carries a virus, just something to laugh at 🙂

Big_D_Dmitrievich
Big_D_Dmitrievich
4 years ago

Omfg, this is too good!! The only people who masterbate are the ones who aren’t brave enough to go out and conquer the pussy, so thus they masterbate since they lack the proper skills to get a slice for themselves. I mean come on… Its the 21st century, I can go and get laid any day or time that I want, but do I go and f*** everything with a heartbeat? No, I do not, and I don’t masterbate either. My point is people, do you know how many people would have to be jerking off on an everyday basis… Read more »

Big_D_Dmitrievich
Big_D_Dmitrievich
4 years ago

Also, the term “Self-rape” is nonexistent. There is no such act, nor has there ever been, nor will there ever be. Allow me to explain why… Rape: [reyp] Noun Unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the conscent of the victim. The definition of rape alone discounts the nonexistent term “self-rape” that you people have tried to create, reason being because whenever some dipshit*t decides to jerk it… Its a personal choice that they made… Read more »

Ariel Dekalo
4 years ago

you people are insane…. wake up see nature for what it is. jesus isnt nature. he was a man. you are all humans.

Liam McKey
4 years ago

Big D is wrong! Consensual sex requires two or more people to consent. Rape only requires the consent of one person, The Rapist. By masturbating, you are the only person consenting; hence, you are the rapist and you are raping yourself.

Why do you care about my name?
Why do you care about my name?
2 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

You do realize you just proved yourself wrong, right? See masturbation only needs one person, meaning one consent, much like how in a threesome all 3 people must consent, it isn’t rape because as the only person in the sexual act you are the only person needed to give consent. Your logic here is basically saying that by making yourself food and eating it your being force-fed, masturbation is a choice that any person can do or not do by their own free will, needing only their consent

Preacher
Preacher
2 years ago

even though I hear your point I’m not sure you’re right

Vincent Vega
Vincent Vega
4 years ago

the only thing cancerous here is the bullshit thats strewn about this entire website . theres so much made up shit here i think my IQ dropped a little . guess what , people masturbate . its natural . and its no one elses buisness but theirs , and if youre a parent and you shame your kids for doing it , then shame on you for lying and teaching them the wrong thing . thankfully im an atheist so i dont have to live my life on my knees , cause man thats pathetic . heres a suggestion :… Read more »

heeey hoooo
4 years ago

That isn’t a picture of a MRFP. Maybe you were thinking about a Tardigrade?
http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/ap130306.html

Not a close minded Christians
Not a close minded Christians
4 years ago

I wonder how much the owner of this site ears by getting close minded Christians come to this site and view his ads everyday.
Nice use of those uneducated idiots you are making.

It’s like a cult where the master is going to ditch them all eventually after getting what he wants.
Keep up the good work.

Brother Obama
Brother Obama
4 years ago

Masturbation is funnnnn

lolsls
lolsls
4 years ago

test

Abraham
Abraham
4 years ago

Is this allso true when i masturbate with Jesus in mind

Simon Carlsson
4 years ago

This shit is amazing. Haven’t had a good laugh like this in a while. Now let’s go masturbate.

New Cam
New Cam
4 years ago

Good job, you not only made up your own cause to the apocalypse but also reference an article with no grounds to stand on. Also you can’t cause Australianism as it is the act of being loyal to the Australian government it falls under the same category as believing in and being loyal to god.

Holy Ghost
Holy Ghost
4 years ago

I think I just caused a tsunami in Japan

Ryan Park
4 years ago

LMFAO

Trillop
Trillop
4 years ago

lmao. The comments attempting to debunk your sarcasm *almost* validate the claims therein. It is beyond mindbending that there are those who will not only take a pro/con stance, but will attempt to turn it into a political debate.

For the author: What is your evidence that the image isn’t a 100x magnification of a parasitic trollbait (PTB)?

…well done, friend.

Lucas
Lucas
4 years ago

I imagine that self-rape might be a thing for someone with schizophrenia.

Your Dad
Your Dad
4 years ago

Everything causes climate change.. Me writing this is changing the climate..

Nunya Bidnez
Nunya Bidnez
4 years ago

I just wanted everyone to know that this is very serious! I live in Seattle, and every time I’ve gotten the horrible and dirty urge to touch my girl parts, I wind up ejaculating fluid all over my bed! That’s disgusting! Worse, it starts to rain every time! I just wish I could keep these horrible urges to myself. =(

Alex
Alex
4 years ago

The Masturbation Residue Film Particle doesn’t exist… That is a picture of a Tardigrade.

Anacoluto
Anacoluto
4 years ago

Reading all this bullshit makes me wanna masturbate. See ya! 😉

David Dee
David Dee
4 years ago

Is this the Onion or are you people phuckin serious?

You can't be serious
You can't be serious
4 years ago

What kind of retarded shit is this, what the fuck? By the way, that’s a picture of a Paramacrobiotus kenlanus. It has nothing to do with masturbation.

Thanks for giving me cancer you fucking primates.

Unscrupulous
Unscrupulous
3 years ago

how about you start sucking my dick so i’ll no longer masturbate? how about that?

Wankie
Wankie
3 years ago
Reply to  Unscrupulous

Does this mean that messin with my winkie is killing to polar bears?

Commie
Commie
3 years ago

Masturbation Residue Film Particle? Are you guys nuts?

Help the soul who runs this site
Help the soul who runs this site
3 years ago

This website makes me so sad. You are literally lying to people with fake pictures. The picture in this article that you falsely portray as an MRFP is a Tardigrade. YOU are sinning. You’re articles make no sense. If anyone reads this and believes anything on this site PLEASE know this site is total misinformation. None of it is true. This person is very lost and needs serious help. Do not believe anything on this site! All lies. The creator of this site is not a person who understands or respects God. Or this site is created for entertainment/comedy purposes.… Read more »

Your friendly neighborhood gay
Your friendly neighborhood gay
3 years ago

Alright, so the person who wrote this article is obviously really fuckin stupid. He apparently claims to be a powerful wizard, so I won’t take anything seriously from him. And just a heads up to all of you bigoted idiots commenting about self rape, masturbation is one of the most natural things on this planet,it’s not causing climate change its not creating natural disasters and it isn’t giving us diseases. If you had a working cell in your brain you would realize that touching your dick/vagina (which has no connection to plants/animals etc.) Won’t do anything to change the climate… Read more »

David Allistor
David Allistor
3 years ago

The picture of the MRFP is actually a Tardigrade, also known as the water bear which is a micro-animal that is known for being the most resilient organism on the planet. I thought Christians didn’t believe in science

That guy who knows the real truth, not these lies
That guy who knows the real truth, not these lies
3 years ago

How about i say that the MRFP is actually the tardigrade, a miniscule creature that poses nl harm to any living being, and can survive in the vacuum of space? Please, look it up and discover the real truth about this. STOPLIES.ORG

Ellie
Ellie
3 years ago

I can’t believe I’m posting here. People have been masturbating since the dawn on humanity. What makes it cause disasters now?

jhon778
2 years ago
Reply to  Ellie

lol genious, focus and think again will ya?