Han Solo Injured By Masturbation Accident On Millennium Falcon

Han Solo, also known by his Hollywood slave name “Harrison Ford”, was apparently injured in a freak accident on the set of the currently filming Star Wars sequel. As this was a Hollywood production, speculation quickly turned to confirmation that the accident was a direct result of careless on-set masturbation practices.

My anonymous source from the closed set of the film explained, “Han Solo was entering the Millennium Falcon to begin preparations to film a new scene. Someone, probably one of the actors playing a Wookiee, left a hatch door open after hiding in there to do the deed. Mr. Solo didn’t see the hatch and smacked his leg into the door hard enough he was knocked down and had to be taken to the infirmary.” Incidentally, I can no longer reach my anonymous contact and the GPS search on their cell phone seems to place them about six feet underground on some remote Northern California ranch land. Strange.

Since I was unable to get any further information from the Star Wars set, I contacted the Galactic Care Facility where Solo is being treated for his injuries. I got a brief comment from his physician, a Dr. Tuu Wonbea. “Solo. Healing. Bacta Tank. 72 Hours. Status: Non-critical.”

It is unknown at this time if the injury to Han Solo will affect the filming schedule of the Star Wars sequel as the clamp has been tightened on the closed set after this incident. One can speculate from Dr. Wonbea’s assessment, that at worst it will only set this film back a few days.

Han Solo is also known for his acting work in the futuristic thriller “Girls” from 1919; as well as his uncredited cameo as “Rude and Armless Soldier” in 1922’s “Foolish Wives”.

Cathy Redmond, reporting for StopMasturbationNow.org.

Cathy can be reached via her own netsite or on Facebook‘s netsite.


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Shove yourhandinanus
7 years ago

You are the reincarnation of satan die

han solo fan#1
han solo fan#1
7 years ago

lets all pray for a speedy recovery for Mr. Solo. And i hope the wookie with the hairy palms rots in hell for his sins. There should be a force field around the millennium-falcon to keep those dirty wookies out, much like the fence on the boarder to keep those ungodly mexicans out of our country.

7 years ago

Comedy gold. When will we see you on Comedy Central?

Darth Vader
Darth Vader
6 years ago

I sense a disturbance with this whole site