Family Values

Masturbators Cause Cucumber Recall in California

Our friends at Fox News have reported on a “salmonella outbreak” that has caused the recall of cucumbers in California. While it is true that there has been a mass recall of the unfortunately shaped vegetable in the state, the Big Masturbation media handlers have once again covered up the actual cause of the concern.

“Cucumbers are the number one problem vegetable for female masturbation,” explains Faith Scientist Brother Werner Crawford. “Many people likely assume things like carrots or bananas are bad food items that lead to masturbation, but our biggest battle is with the cucumber.”

According to Brother Crawford, female masturbators seek out the largest and most firm cucumber possible and then defile the vegetable by sending it on a journey into the depths of their sin caves.

“While objectionable, cucumbers used for self-rape in the home are typically discarded or in other cases, eventually consumed by the unclean family members of the masturbator,” adds Brother Crawford. “The real problem begins when more feral masturbators use cucumbers found at farmer’s markets or grocery stores and then return the rancid vegetable to the shelves after they have ruined it.”

Brother Crawford and his team believe the recent problems in California are the result of a rash of public masturbation incidents in the past few weeks.

“Obviously, if people ingest cucumbers that are coated in the diseased residue from self-rapist sin caves, well, they’re going to catch masturbation diseases even if they don’t masturbate,” warns Brother Crawford. “This could be an epidemic that sweeps the entire nation if we are not careful. I can’t stress enough how important it is for lesser gendereds to stop using cucumbers to self-rape.”

Pickled cucumbers, also sometimes known as “pickles”, are not part of the recall because as Brother Crawford states, “They (pickles) are too limp to give even a novice self-rapist the desired amounts of sinful pleasures.”

“It is probably best to avoid cucumbers until this entire mess blows over,” concludes Brother Crawford. “You never know where an object shaped like that has been.”

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James Brown
James Brown
6 years ago

Sounds like Cathy had a bad cucumber experience.

u_went_full_retard
u_went_full_retard
6 years ago

I’m clicking on ‘pray for us’. Cause you guys are clinically retarded and the only person that could save you lunatics is Jesus.

roedygr
roedygr
6 years ago

This is too ridiculous for words. Surely people who use vegetables for masturbation do not serve them unwashed to their families.

Lord Santa
Lord Santa
5 years ago

“journey into the depths of their sin caves” sounds like the worst pickup line ever