BLUFF Turns Away Syrian Self-Rapists

SAFFORD-AZ Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts (BLUFF) has vowed not to accept any refugees from Syria into their campus in response to the revelation that masturbators may have entered Europe as part of a wave of migrants from the war-torn region. The move complicates the Obama administration’s plan to accept 10,000 Syrians into the country over the next year.

“I will not stand complicit to a policy that places our campus in Arizona in the hands of self-rapists,” a spokesperson for BLUFF announced Monday. BLUFF demanded that the Obama administration “confirm the self-celibacy” of 59 Syrians recently settled in his state. BLUFF campuses in Indiana, Michigan, Arkansas, Texas, Mississippi, Ohio, Illinois, Massachusetts, Wisconsin, and Maine also stated their opposition to accepting Syrian self-rapists. The BLUFF Eldership Reichsrath (BLUFFER) have suggested that only Christian Self-Celibates from the region should be granted refuge.

Obama responded with typical Big Masturbation rhetoric, “That’s shameful. That’s not American, it’s not who we are.”

There appears to be no legal method for BLUFF to block the internment of self-rapist refugees according to Big Masturbation Operatives. And with their opposition is largely symbolic, since once Syrians (or any masturbators) are in the U.S., they have the right to travel anywhere they want, just like any other resident. Still, BLUFF vows to fight on.

“It’s really a question of religious fundamentalist freedom,” a spokesperson for BLUFF said. “Even if you’re legally residing in the U.S., states have the right to refuse you based on abhorrent and socially damaging lifestyle choices. Since a self-rapist currently has a right to move anywhere he of she wishes, we wonder why they would choose a bastion of righteousness blessed by Almighty God. Why don’t they go to New York City. San Francisco, or some other den of mastur-sin?”

The Superior Gendered Representative continued, “Refugee resettlement involves the coordination of local non-profit religious organizations and government officials with federal agencies, and forcing newly arrived self-rapists into a community that acknowledges their behavior as revolting and abhorrent to God sounds unappealing to everyone involved and may be a violation of rights.”

State Department spokesman Mark Boner’s muted reaction to the Campus threats on Monday seemed to confirm that suspicion. Boner told reporters Monday that the department’s lawyers were reviewing the question of whether the campus could refuse to settle Syrian masturbators. He struck a conciliatory note, saying he understood BLUFF’s concerns but reassured them that the department’s self-celibacy vetting of Syrians was thorough.

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3 years ago