Are All Internet Trolls Masturbators?

B.L.U.F.F CAMPOUND (SAFFORD, AZ)

Workers at the B.L.U.F.F Campound and Uranium Mines in Safford, Arizona announced today that they have proven that all internet trolls are horrible, Godless, masturbating, heathens.

In an exhausting study of internets around the globe, a 16 year inquiry finally ended with the unfortunate suicide of Kalden Ross, lead internet troll investigator. Kalden, who was killed by impalement, left behind a very detailed audio record of analysis of his team’s findings during the last decade and a half:

” Yeah it’s true. It’s all true. The internet is full of trolls, and they are all masturbators. I studied this for a long damn time. I am very familiar with phalluses and penises now. I’m practically and expert. God I am disgusted at myself. Just really. What was I doing? I mean I hated them at first, but then, it was all I could think about. And then the black ones, they sent so many pictures! Why would they do this? What is ****ing wrong with them? Why do they think this is funny! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

(screaming *inaudible* thunking noises, slamming noise)

Well THE JOKES THEM! YOU SEE THIS? THIS **** IS BEING TAPED! ALL OF IT! I DON’T CARE HOW MANY BLACK PENISES I HAVE TO SEE, FEEL , TASTE, I WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS! YOU HEAR ME?! I WILL STOP YOU TROLLS!…”

The rest of the tape is unusable do to the fact that it is encrusted in presumably semen residue.

Kalden Ross’ remains are scheduled to be cremated after an autopsy is performed.

Says Lonald P Childs, head of SMN Ministries, regarding the matter:

” It’s a shame it had to happen like this, I mean, a man died. Yes it is clear the cause of death was impalement during auto-fellatio to Non-Normals homosex pornographic internets, but that doesn’t sicken me any more than it would had he died during auto-fellatio to The 700 Club. Flesh-sin is flesh-sin, and self-sin is self-rape, and if the internets are involved in anyway, then it’s got to be trolls. Trolls are the lowest of the low.

Though we thank Kalden Ross for his efforts, and work, he will not be missed as he was a filthy masturbating heathen. Case Closed. Praise. “