How to “Rescue” your dog from Masturbation

We all know that masturbation advocates claim that Masturbation is “natural” and they back-up that claim by saying that Animals do it. This statement is false, to a certain degree. Most animals do not masturbate, as it is a completely unnatural act. Unfortunately, some animals do masturbate. These same animals also: eat their own feces, kill children, sniff crotches, make loud noises, throw their own feces, have sex with inanimate objects, and so on….

Like with human masturbators, animal masturbators are at the same risks of developing: prostate cancer, getting The Gay, incest, masturbation rage and also contracting the bad AIDS. You may be asking yourself, “How do I protect my pets from the evils of Masturbation.” The answer is simple, but the act of “rescuing” your dog from masturbation requires a vigilant eye, consistency and discipline.

First of all, create a masturbation free environment. No rock and roll music, no secular pornography, no hipster dog food and no feeding after midnight.

Secondly, make sure to discipline your dog if you ever suspect your dog of masturbation or intent-to-commit masturbation. A good beating works best, but you can also withhold food and water, or give your dog some “time out” in a hot car.

Tying your dog’s tail to his/her stomach will create a natural obstruction against masturbation

Lastly, employ preventative measures. Have your dog wear a cone. Throw salt on his “red rocket.” Tie his tail to his/her stomach so your dog’s genitals are obstructed. Place a diaper on your dog and change it regularly.

With a good protestant-Christian environment, good discipline and appropriate preventative measures, your dog should live a happy and healthy life, for years to come.

If you are looking to get a dog, understand that dogs only masturbate, if they’ve been exposed to, or are the victim of: Bestiality. In order to avoid purchasing or adopting an abused dog, make sure to get your dog from a certified “Rescue” agency. Dog “rescues” screen each dog to make sure they are bestiality free. If you encounter a dog that is masturbating, be sure to report the owner to the police or the ASPCA (Animal Self-Rape Prevention & Care Association).