Teens Renting Storage Units To Engage In Secret Masturbation

Teenagers have found yet another way to engage in risky masturbation behind the backs of their parents, legal guardians and church leaders according to law enforcement officials. An increasing number of teens have resorted to either renting private storage units or, in more desperate cases, breaking into storage lockers in order to fulfill their sinful desires. Authorities have said the areas where Tina’s Law has been put into effect have seen a startling increase of this illicit activity spring up.

“If you see a lone teen lingering around a facility or hear strange noises emanating from a neighboring unit do not hesitate to report this to the manager on duty.” – Jack Phillips

“These misguided young people are letting each other know which storage facilities have relaxed ID policies by way of Facebook or other underground internet portals. We’re asking all storage companies in our jurisdiction to card all people coming in to rent a unit. While that works in theory, we also realize that unsavory types sometimes work the counter at these businesses and simply do not care about the legality of renting a unit to a minor,” said St. Paul, Minnesota police public relations liaison, Jack Phillips. “We learned from the case of John LaDue that teenagers not only could be stockpiling explosives and ammunition in these units but also engaging in other illicit activities under the radar of their parents.”

John LaDue used his storage unit to store weaponry and to plot a massacre in which he intended to kill his family and schoolmates in Waseca, Minnesota earlier this year. Law enforcement officials have not elaborated whether or not LaDue masturbated in his storage facility but Phillips thinks it is likely. “Teens, and especially these punks who shoot up schools, can’t get enough of sexual pornography. We now know what kind of unsavory deeds they get up to while planning their sick fantasies. It’s high time that the parents take some responsibility as Jesus can only do so much.”

Normal citizens who use storage units have been asked to be vigilant and when in doubt, to report any suspicious activity to the manager of the facility. “If you see a lone teen lingering around a facility or hear strange noises emanating from a neighboring unit do not hesitate to report this to the manager on duty. Being watchful is the key,” added Phillips. The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow agree with Phillips’s assessment. Faith researchers have found that by confronting a masturbator while they are looking for their fix, the masturbator is 60% more likely to move on. By yelling “Hey, you!” or getting the manager involved, you could potentially help drive a troubled teen away from Satan’s path and push them towards a more pious life.