Money / Science

Study: Masturbation is Directly Related to Lower Wages

(Stop Masturbation Now)—A new study just released by the foundation for a better tomorrow shows a direct correlation between masturbation and lower wages in America. A two year federally funded study of six thousand Americans across various races, ages and genders was completed in which they looked at average wages verses frequency of masturbation.

“We went into it expecting we would see some correlation, but even in our wildest dreams we would have never expected such an effect” Remarked Julian Taylor, lead analyst for the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow, “It turns out not masturbating is more profitable than a college degree when it comes to future wages.”

As you can see by the following chart, the poor masturbate much more than the wealthy.

Capture

Parents, remind your children that masturbation is wrong and can lead to poverty and disease.

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Ken Day
Ken Day
6 years ago

The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow is one of the last great think tanks for conservative and religious thought in the United States. I applaud them for their important work trying to balance the scales from the secular insanity the mainstream media and academia bandy about these days.

adamosbornesmith
6 years ago
Reply to  Ken Day

This website is genius. It is either a total joke, or defies logic to the point of unfounded creativity. Just in case this is serious how you’ve presented this study is laughably uncompelling: Firstly, correlation is not causation. Ice cream sales and murder rates are positively correlated, does this mean ice creams cause murders? Of course not. You haven’t even come close to testing the data. Second have you noticed how there are more poor people than rich people? There is no indication that this study is scaled to income demographic. If I surveyed one rich person, and 10 poor… Read more »

Truffle
6 years ago

I pray all poor people catch the EbolAids and go straight to triple-hells.

A Smart Guy
A Smart Guy
6 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

What’s EbolAids? Some fake disease, and what’s bad about poor people? Oh yeah you’re the guy who milks their cat like a weirdo

Truffle
6 years ago
Reply to  A Smart Guy

You aren’t so smart, ma’am.

A Smart Guy
6 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

I’m a guy

A good chuckle
6 years ago

Is this site for serious? lol so here’s the http://ffabettertomorrow.org/ source of your “study”.

Straight from the site on the main page:

“Welcome to Foundation for a Better Tomorrow! We are a Delaware based, non-profit organization on a mission to improve the lives of Delawareans who have been impacted by mental illness and disabilities. To achieve this we need your help!”

Seems legit, clearly they’re doing research about masturbation.

Truffle
6 years ago

Masturbation is wrong and sinful. The sooner all those commie LIEberals get to grips with the FaithFacts™, the better it will be for all humankind.

A-M
A-M
6 years ago

Then how am I so fucking rich?

Lonnie Childs
Admin
6 years ago
Reply to  A-M

Easy, because you’re not. Obvious internet lie is obvious.

A-M
A-M
6 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Nigga you don’t know me.

Science2
Science2
6 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Your existence is a lie sir. Do us all a favour and remove yourself from the gene-pool so our children will have a brighter future than they have now. And i raped your granny again. still tight as fuck. and yes, she still hates you. very much.

malapropysm
6 years ago

Rich people pay for prostitute.

Science2
Science2
6 years ago
Reply to  malapropysm

No you are paying for prostitutes.

Yppop
Yppop
6 years ago

That’s only because rich people usually have busy schedules and thus have no time to masturbate. You guys are really fucked in the head if you can’t understand that.

Carlos Danger
6 years ago

Non-whites can break free from the chains of poverty if they’d just stop masturbating! Brother Lonnie seeks to share white privilege with everyone! Praise!

A Smart Guy
6 years ago
Reply to  Carlos Danger

racist much?

Science2
Science2
6 years ago
Reply to  Carlos Danger

you again? I will stick by big and tasty love-stick up your ass while i finger your goldfish.