What really caused LeBron James to spend Game 1 on the sidelines.

Masturbation Induced Dehydration symptoms

Masturbation Induced Dehydration symptoms

WEST PALM BEACH, FLA (SMNNN) — Non-normal basketball icon, LeBron James, dodged a bullet last week during the first Game of the NBA Finals in San Antonio, Texas. James, who was forced to ride the bench during the crucial fourth period costing Miami the game, tried to pass the incident off as a normal muscle cramp. However, we at SMNNN dug deeper and here is what was uncovered.

A source close to the NBA let us know that testing was done on James immediately following the completion of NBA Finals Game 1. What was found was no surprise. James did not suffer a standard muscle cramp but was instead found to be suffering from acute Masturbation Induced Dehydration. Masturbation Induced Dehydration (MID), is a underreported condition unfortunately affecting millions of individuals during the warmer months of the year.

“MID is extremely dangerous, especially when it affects active people who are already shedding way too many electrolytes. With one of the complications being a sudden onset of the death that is inevitable to all masturbators, this is not something to play around with. Simply put, LeBron James could have died on that basketball court and masturbation would have been the cause,” said a researcher with the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow who asked to remain anonymous.

“James is a lucky man and really dodged a bullet that day. Here is hoping that he changes his ways before it is too late. Praise.” added the researcher.

As the summer has finally arrived, it is being urged by alternative health officials to be aware of the signs and symptoms of MID as the incidence rate sky-rockets as the temperature rises. MID occurs when the body is sapped of too many electrolytes and other important things due to the combination of normal fluid loss (sweating) and unnecessary and excessive fluid loss (masturbation).

The chart to the right lists the main symptoms that those afflicted with MID commonly suffer. The best prevention is to stay hydrated and to stop masturbating – and if you haven’t masturbated do not start under any circumstances.

As many of the complications, such as blindness, hearing loss and death, are non-reversible it is paramount that MID is not contracted at any cost.

Cathy Redmond, reporting for

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7 years ago

Lets see liberals deny this science!


[…] and then “dies”, he looks identical to a person suffering from late stage MID (Masturbation Induced Dehydration). The crazed appearance and single-mindedness of the “zombies” is also akin to those […]